"When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a ****. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You ****ers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes."
"Buy a pizza, get a free pizza oven. Offer not valid at Mitch's Pizza."
this shirt says 'dry clean only', that means it's DIRTY
"I've got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fishsticks in s**t! (That's, that's actually kind of gross, you know? After that joke I always clarify that I'm just jokin'. I do not know how much tartar I actually have. I believe it's the average amount. If we all took a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the f***in' middle)."
"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place?... Do you keep my documents in order?... Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan ******ing lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' s**t."
"I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes."
i saw a commercial for an above ground pool that was 30 seconds. why was it 30 seconds? because that's the maximum amount of time i can picture myself having fun in an above ground pool. after 30 seconds, i would be like, what do i do next?