****. Yes. Absent are the stepandfetchbots. Exiled is every bit of robot genitalia. And someone even told the Transformers to empty their bladders before the movie. Just about everything terrible that has come to annoy the living **** out of fans from the last two movies is gone. What’s left? Pure unadulterated Michael Bay for two hours and forty minutes. You read that right. Robots, cars and explosions for two hours and forty minutes. If that sounds terrible to you, then seriously, what the **** are you doing even thinking about seeing a Michael Bay movie? If you’re still holding out hope that Bay has discovered such subtle nuances as “story”, “character” or “dialog” then I’ve got a bridge to sell you. Those ain’t his bag. Bay is the reigning king of blowing **** up, and here he manages to outdo even himself. And if that’s what you want out of TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON then you will clap and giggle like a three year old tasting ice cream for the first time.
Bay attacked this thing like he had something to prove, and let’s face it, he did. After the complete and utter mess that was TRANFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN - a film for which even his most devoted and diehard fans wanted to see him on the receiving end of a CALIGULA wedding scene re-enactment – he needed to come back and be all the Bay he could be. And boy howdy, did he. But not only did he make a better film than the second (by a wide margin) he managed to make an even better film than the first. The first film wowed us with giant robots; this film wows us with giant robots going positively medieval on one another while tearing apart an entire city doing it.