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Thread: I hate hard butter and sidewalk pedestrian traffic jams.

  1. #91
    1st Scoring Line Drunken Crunker's Avatar




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    Quote Originally Posted by The Velvet Merkin View Post
    If you could be a woman for a month, what would the first thing be that would do after playing with your boobs and the giant lesbian orgy?

    Pretend I was crying, bat my eyelashes, and get my way out of a speeding ticket.

    Are you surprised that the military hasn't found a way to make marshmallows in to weapons yet?

    Actually I have heard the Canadian military is working hand-in-hand with Lockheed Martin on on adapting a potato gun into a marshmallow M31 submachine gun....

    (stay tuned - but you didn't hear it from me.)


    What is your dream car?



    If a slice of Canadian Bacon and American cheese had sex would Adam Deadmarsh be of the offspring? (Just say Yes)

    YES!!





    Crista Flanagan Playboy Photos: Mad Men Actress Strikes Naked Pose


    did playboy pick the wrong person?

    Shouldn't they be showing us this?


    I like this picture of her as well...


    I'd let her eat crackers in my bed! :


  2. #92
    The Velvet Merkin
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    What is your next move if you are Dean Lombardi?


    What didn't you do this weekend?


    The Velvet Merkin would like you to work the phrase "My work is done soon here" in to normal conversation twice today. Please report back with your progress.




    Do you have a problem with rampaging elephants in your kitchen?


    do you own or rent?

  3. #93
    1st Scoring Line Drunken Crunker's Avatar




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    Quote Originally Posted by The Velvet Merkin View Post
    What is your next move if you are Dean Lombardi?



    It's going to be extremely tough to do though. I don't see Chicago trading him unless as a last resort, and then if they do I'm sure they would prefer it to be out east.

    What didn't you do this weekend?

    Eat corn chips and masturbate.

    The Velvet Merkin would like you to work the phrase "My work is done soon here" in to normal conversation twice today. Please report back with your progress.

    First time I used it it went smooth as silk. The target recipient wasn't even aware that I had dropped the phrase and our conversation continued on according to plan... feeling embolden for my second effort, I approached and then inappropriately groped a strange woman at a bus stop - again while repeating the above instructed mantra... "My work is done soon here"... I was savagely slapped and quickly arrested for sexual harassment... I'm just glad Canadian prison have WiFi.


    Do you have a problem with rampaging elephants in your kitchen?

    Not in my kitchen no - just in my sun room and guest outhouse.



    do you own or rent?
    My house-servant? I own. A young Eskimo boy named Englebert. Sometime when he doesn't do as he is told I beat him with a cane.

  4. #94
    The Velvet Merkin
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    What in on your bucket list?

    How many days of the 90 days sentence do you think that Lindsay Lohan will actually spend behind bars?

    Do you think Tom Barrasso was ever called a Barr******* as a kid? (If you can't figure out that word remove the last vowel from Tom's last name and add the name of Courtney Love's band)

    What is your favorite form of contraception?

    Do you think the guy from The Clash ever figured the answer to his question of "Should I stay or should I go now?"

  5. #95
    1st Scoring Line Drunken Crunker's Avatar




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    Quote Originally Posted by The Velvet Merkin View Post
    What in on your bucket list?

    Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, visit Humboldt County, California, and learn how to speak Chichewa.

    How many days of the 90 days sentence do you think that Lindsay Lohan will actually spend behind bars?

    3 years.

    She's going to go hardcore, join the Aryan Brotherhood and shank someone.




    Do you think Tom Barrasso was ever called a Barr******* as a kid? (If you can't figure out that word remove the last vowel from Tom's last name and add the name of Courtney Love's band)

    I would bet dollars to donuts that he has been.

    What is your favorite form of contraception?

    Hmmm... What is that?

    Do you think the guy from The Clash ever figured the answer to his question of "Should I stay or should I go now?"
    I don't think so. I believe he is in an eternal struggle of attempting to leave, only to at the last moment say to himself, "Damnit! you know what... I should stay!"

  6. #96
    The Velvet Merkin
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    Why isn't Panama by Van Halen the National Anthem for the country of Panama?



    What you ever been to San Diego? (It's where happy happens!)




    Did you have a treehouse as a kid?




    What is your favorite animal that's not a common household pet?

    Is there a question that you wish The Velvet Merkin would have already asked but mysteriously hasn't?

  7. #97
    1st Scoring Line Drunken Crunker's Avatar




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    Come take a cyber tour with Drunken Crunker to his home town of Victoria - the capital city of British Columbia, Canada!

    Wohooo!!

    You excited???


    ok.. strap in, hold on, and let's go!!!!

    A brief history of Victoria.

    In 1841 James Douglas was charged with the duty of setting up a trading post on the southern tip of Vancouver Island, upon the recommendation by Sir George Simpson that a second line of forts be built in case Fort Vancouver and the other lower Columbia River valley forts fell into American hands (see Oregon boundary dispute - you durty Americans!!!). Charged with this task, Douglas founded Fort Victoria, on the site of present-day Victoria, British Columbia. This proved beneficial when in 1846 the Oregon Treaty was signed, extending the British North America/United States border along the 49th parallel from the Rockies to the Strait of Georgia.

    With the discovery of gold on the British Columbia mainland in 1858, Victoria became the port, supply base, and outfitting centre for miners on their way to the Fraser Canyon gold fields, mushrooming from a population of 300 to over 5000 literally within a few days. Victoria was incorporated as a city in 1862 and in 1865, Esquimalt (Victoria municipality) was made the North Pacific home of the Royal Navy, and remains Canada's west coast naval base.

    Victoria is located on the southern tip of Vancouver Island about 100 kilometres (62 miles) from the city of Vancouver on the BC mainland and is accessible by ferry and plane. Victoria is also quite close to the United States, about 100 kilometres (62 miles) from Seattle by airplane or ferry and 40 kilometres (25 miles) from Port Angeles, Washington by ferry.







    Steve Nash, 2-time Most Valuable Player in the National Basketball Association, grew up in Victoria. As did Michael Saunders, outfielder for the Seattle Mariners and baseball pitcher Rich Harden of the Texas Rangers. Olympic Games athletes Silken Laumann, Ryan Cochrane, and Simon Whitfield reside or were born in Victoria.

    Victoria was the first city location of the cross Canada 2010 Winter Olympics torch relay that occurred before the start of the 2010 Winter Olympics.

    The Victoria Cougars are perhaps the most famous sports franchise the city has known, winning the Stanley Cup as members of the PCHA in 1925. The team then moved to Detroit under the name of the Detroit Cougars before the team changed its name to the current Detroit Red Wings of the NHL. Today a Junior 'B' team of that name plays in the Vancouver Island Junior Hockey League. There was also a team called the Victoria Cougars in the Western Hockey League, but they are now the Prince George Cougars.



    I have lived off and on in Victoria since the age of 11 and currently live and work in downtown Victoria. So first stop on our tour is my place of business.

    Here is the view from my office.

    Parliament buildings at night (10 minute walk from my house.)







    If you were looking straight ahead you may have noticed a building w/ lots moss on it. This ladies and worms is the Empress Hotel - one of the more prestigious hotels in town and is on the next corner to where I work - which is here;






    The second stop on our journey is a little place I like to meander upon when I'm not working. In fact I often enjoy taking my Mommy and Grandmammy to this place here where I score lots of "awww you're such a sweetheart!" brownie points.

    *fist pump*

    Butchart Gardens









    Next is one of my most favouritist place to visit; the Royal London Wax Museum, which houses the fantastical and fantasy inducing "Hall of Horror!!" and includes depictions of real implements of torture such as the rack and the guillotine.!!! "BwaHahaHa!!"

    The "World of Wax" originally opened in 1961 in a street level location of the Crystal Garden at the corner of Belleville and Douglas. Displaying some ninety figures, this attraction established North America's first exhibition of Josephine Tussaud wax figures. By the Year 2000, the Royal London Wax Museum had an inventory of some 300 wax figures that had been sculpted in England, the most recent of which is "The woman of the Century"











    It should be noted that living on an island I generally get to see lots of sea life. Next stop on the tour, my good friends McNally and Billy Jean;







    I also went to school here in Victoria attending the University of Victoria... (which reminds me - I still owe them money - "Doh!")


    .....anyways...where was I?....


    oh yes, UVIC!





    ...which incidentally is known infamously for having a plethora of these hopping around.



    ...and in fact the University is quite concerned about the amount of them on campus and are looking for loving and cuddly homes to relocate them if anyone on LGK is interested.




    Continuing on... Every BC Day weekend, the Victoria Symphony mounts Symphony Splash, an outdoor event that includes a performance by the orchestra sitting on a barge in Victoria's Inner Harbour. Streets in the local area are closed, as each year approximately 40,000 people attend a variety of concerts and events throughout the day. The event culminates with the Symphony's evening concert, with Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture as the grand finale, complete with cannon-fire from Royal Canadian Sea Cadet Gunners from HMCS QUADRA, a pealing carillon and a fireworks display to honour BC Day.









    As a kid growing up I liked to pretend I was a soldier and play "army." One of the best places for a kid growing up playing this game was Fort Rodd Hill; a 19th-century coastal artillery fort that is managed and presented to the public by Parks Canada, and is open almost every day. This is the next stop on the DC tour.









    On a hot summer day, if you don't have the luxury of being out on the ocean in your boat, come take a dip with me here at our next location, the local watering hole known as the Sooke Potholes.









    Another great thing to do on a hot sunny day is make your way down to Beacon Hill Park. It is the central city's main urban green space. Its area of 75 hectares (185 acres) adjacent to Victoria's southern shore includes numerous playing fields, manicured gardens, exotic species of plants and animals such as wild peacocks, a petting zoo, and views of the Strait of Juan de Fuca and the Olympic mountain range. The sport of cricket has been played in Beacon Hill Park since the mid-nineteenth century and each summer, Beacon Hill Park plays host to several outdoor concerts, and the Luminara Community Lantern Festival












    A few other neat things to do in Victoria when you come visit me;

    Thunderbird Park

    This park is home to many totem poles (mostly Gitxsan, Haida, and Kwakwaka'wakw) and other First Nations monuments. Also located in the park are a carving studio, St. Anne's Schoolhouse (built 1844), Helmcken House (see later in thread), and Mungo Martin House (Wawadit'la), a traditional Kwakwaka'wakw "big house" built in 1953 by Kwakwaka'wakw Chief Mungo Martin. (Worlds greatest name? I say yes!)








    Helmcken House

    Over 150 years ago, in a land far far away, (channeling my CBGB and going for a dramatic feel here) a young English doctor, by the good name of John Sebastian Helmcken, traveled from his pious home in England, around the fearsome Cape Horn to the young Hudson Bay Company located at Fort Victoria. It was here as Victoria’s first academy-trained doctor, he quickly rose in rank and became prominent in the small colony. His status grew further when he betrothed the eldest daughter of Governor Sir James Douglas. A surgeon by skill with the Hudson's Bay Company, he went on to become a statesman and helped negotiate British Columbia's entrance into confederation with the Dominion of Canada.

    In 1852, he built a log cabin with three rooms for his new wife. Over the years it expanded to 10 rooms as Mr. and Mrs. Helmcken quite enjoyed doing the 'funky monkey' and it became home for their seven children for 87 long and illustrious years. In 1941, it was opened to the public as a museum and is recognized as the oldest house in British Columbia still on its original site.







    Emily Carr House

    Emily Carr, one of Canada's greatest artists and most loved authors, was born in Victoria in 1871, a few months after British Columbia ended its term as a British colony and became a province of this new country of Canada. One of Canada's greatest and most loved artists, Carr painted both the landscape and native villages of Western Canada in a unique and modern style that was rejected during its original time of production. After years of travel throughout the forests of British Columbia, failing health caused her to remain close to home where she wrote seven books based on her life. Today Emily Carr is highly regarded throughout the world and considered a national icon in Canada up there with Don Cherry, Wayne Gretzky and Tom Greene.



    As it was in 1867




    Craigdarroch Castle

    Built in the 1890s by coal baron Robert Dunsmuir who was the richest man in nineteenth century British Columbia.

    Rising 87 stairs up through the 4 1/2 stories, the Castle was designed by Portland, Oregon architect, Warren H. Williams who died only four months after construction began on the Castle. Built in the Romanesque / Chateauesque style popular among the very rich as an architectural style favourable to one's fortune.

    Furnished lavishly in the 1890s–1900s period, the 39 rooms occupy over 20,000 square feet. The Entrance Hall and Dining Room are paneled with rich golden oak imported from Chicago whereas the Drawing Room features hand-painted and stenciled ceiling decoration with lions' heads, garlands, birds and bouquets. Its windows represent the largest and finest in-situ collection of residential stained glass in Canada. And the Castle's tower provides a panoramic view of Victoria.

    As fascinating as the castle is, it is all the more intriguing once one hears of the history of the Dunsmuir family: its rise from humble beginnings to the pinnacle of wealth and power in western North America and its ultimate tragic ending... "duh duh duh!!!"

    Dunsmuir, the patriarch, died in April 1889, more than a year before the Castle was completed. After his death, his sons, James and Alexander, assumed the melancholy task of finishing the Castle for their widowed mother. Later they sued their mother for her share of their father’s estate. Ten months after her death in 1908, Craigdarroch was sold and the contents were auctioned off.

    For sixty years, the Castle housed various public institutions including a WWI Military Hospital, Victoria College for twenty-five years and school board offices.

    The Castle is open to visitors year-round.






    Hatley Castle and Gardens and Royal Roads University

    In 1906, B.C.'s Lieutenant Governor, James Dunsmuir who was of Scottish ancestry, purchased the property and commissioned renowned Canadian architect Samuel Maclure to build a 40-room home in the Scottish baronial style, a Gothic revival style popular in the Edwardian period. The Dunsmuirs also created many beautiful formal gardens using the services of renowned American garden designers Brett and Hall. They named their estate "Hatley Park" in the tradition of the grand European private estates. The castle became a landmark and was home to the Dunsmuir family until the estate was eventually sold to the Government of Canada.

    At the outbreak of World War II, plans were made for King George VI, his wife Queen Elizabeth, and their two daughters, Princesses Elizabeth and Margaret, to reside in Canada. Hatley Castle was purchased by the federal government in 1940 for use as the King's royal residence. However, it was decided that having the Royal Family leave the UK at a time of war would be too big a blow to morale, and the family stayed in London.

    When plans for the use of the castle as a royal residence fell through, the estate was converted into a naval training facility. It existed under a number of names, but from 1948 was known as Royal Roads Military College, named for the Royal Roads body of water which forms the entrance into Esquimalt Harbour from the Strait of Juan de Fuca, lying to the east of the facility. The college was closed in 1995 and subsequently leased to the Province of British Columbia. That same year, the castle and grounds were designated a National Historic Site by the Canadian government.

    In September 1995, Royal Roads University was opened as a public, degree-granting university and still stands as such now. It leases the campus from the Department of National Defence for $1 per year and assumes all stewardship responsibilities related to the site including the cost of site management, operations, heritage preservation and restoration, and educating the public about the site's history and natural attributes.








    Fisgard Lighthouse.


    Located in Fort Rodd Hill. Is the first lighthouse on Canada's west coast and is still in operation. There hasn't been a keeper here since the light was automated in 1929, but every year many thousands of visitors step inside a real l9th century lighthouse, and capture some of the feeling of ships wrecked and lives saved. Built by the British in 1860, when Vancouver Island was not yet part of Canada, Fisgard's red brick house and white tower has stood faithfully at the entrance to Esquimalt harbour. Once a beacon for the British Royal Navy's Pacific Squadron, today Fisgard still marks home base for the Royal Canadian Navy.

    Inside the building are two floors of exhibits, dealing with shipwrecks, storms, far- flung lights, and the everyday working equipment of the light keeper a century ago. Right next to the tower stirs on the second floor, a specially-made video evokes the loneliness and isolation that was the lot of the l9th century keeper and drunken crunkers alike.







    Galloping Goose Trail

    The Galloping Goose Trail is named for a gawky and noisy gas rail car that used to carry passengers between Victoria and Sooke in the 1920s.

    The first rail tracks were laid on Island soil in 1893, with the opening of the Victoria & Sidney line. The trail, now a regional park, is built upon the abandoned rail beds and trestles of the former railway.

    The Galloping Goose Regional Trail travels almost 60 kilometres through nearly every landscape on Southern Vancouver Island. You can walk, jog, cycle or ride a horse past some of British Columbia's finest scenery. Many of the areas are level and paved, and as such are suitable for wheelchairs, roller blades and youngsters on bikes, the trail is an important artery for commuters cycling to their office in downtown Victoria.









    Victoria Chinatown


    The Chinatown here is the oldest in Canada and second only to San Francisco in North America. Its history goes back to the mid nineteenth century and to this day remains a unique place for Chinese-Canadians, Victoria residents and tourists alike. Chinatown also is host to the infamous Fan Tan Alley; It was originally a gambling district with restaurants, shops, and opium dens. Today it is a tourist destination as it contains many small shops including a barber shop, art gallery, Chinese cafe and apartments. It is most famous for being the narrowest street in Canada. At its narrowest point it is only 0.9 metres wide. If anyone here remembers the movie Bird on a Wire, this is the alley where the motorcycle chase scene was filmed














    ... well kiddies.. that concludes my tour for today.

    Please stay tuned for next week when I take you on a tour of my kitchen and teach you all how to make traditional homemade Canadian Maple Syrup.

    Until then, this is DC signing off - wishing you a day full of sunshine, hugs and kisses... and may your poutine curds be extra cheesy!
    Last edited by Drunken Crunker; July 22nd, 2010 at 12:59 PM.

  8. #98
    Problem Philly? CardiacKid56's Avatar




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    Awesome tour DC! Thanks!

  9. #99
    1st Scoring Line Drunken Crunker's Avatar




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    Quote Originally Posted by The Velvet Merkin View Post
    Why isn't Panama by Van Halen the National Anthem for the country of Panama?

    The VM makes sense. I don't why it isn't but I sure know it should be.


    What you ever been to San Diego? (It's where happy happens!)

    I have been to San Diego as a kid. I remember the San Diego zoo where I think I got to ride an elephant and the San Diego Sea World where I got a real big memorial cup as a souvenir.... I also got sunburnt and a tummy ache from pigging out on too much candy


    Did you have a treehouse as a kid?

    I did! It was really cool! My step-dad was a carpenter so he built me one. It even came equipped with gun holes where I could stick my plastic M-16 out of and pretend to shoot down those dirty Germans. As I got a little older I was given a bow and arrow set. I used to set up hay bales around the yard and shoot them full of arrows from my secret tree fort.... I'd spend hours upon hours hiding away in that magical tree fort....



    .... i hate being a grown-up





    What is your favorite animal that's not a common household pet?



    Is there a question that you wish The Velvet Merkin would have already asked but mysteriously hasn't?
    What does the Drunken Crunker want to be when he grows up?

    Answer: A fireman, an astronaut or a fluffer for female participants.

  10. #100
    The Velvet Merkin
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drunken Crunker View Post
    What does the Drunken Crunker want to be when he grows up?

    Answer: A fireman, an astronaut or a fluffer for female participants.
    A fluffer for females!? The Velvet Merkin is disappointed that he didn't think of that.




    What would Drunken Crunker call such a profession?
    Would it be called a Kitty Warmer? a Kitty hot pad?




    Does Drunken Crunker have an all time favorite adult film star?




    What is Drunken Crunker doing this weekend?



    Is there a movie that will put tears in Drunken Crunker's eyes whenever he watches it?


    Has Drunken Crunker ever had the pleasure of shooting a water balloon launcher?


    Why is a hamster considered a pet. If one tried to snuggle with a hamster a hamster would **** them up. Would the Drunken Crunker agree with The Velvet Merkin than a hamster should be considered "Live Art" or a decoration over being a pet?
    Last edited by The Velvet Merkin; July 23rd, 2010 at 09:01 AM.

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