December 9th, 2012, 07:31 PM #91
Lamaze...yet another example of men paying to be completely and utterly emasculated.
Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Bullets are cheap. Life is priceless.
December 10th, 2012, 03:54 AM #92
A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."
He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
He says, "Speaking!"
December 10th, 2012, 05:14 AM #93
A farmer had three lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up. The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?" The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.
The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.
The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck."
The farmer shot him.
December 13th, 2012, 12:39 AM #94
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.
December 15th, 2012, 09:41 PM #95
This happened at the kettle today...
Two old ladies...one sweet and the other...well...a cranky old gal...
One set the security system off at the store i ring at and I overheard the two talking by the kettle...
SOL: Every time i go in that store...the alarm goes off...
COG: I think you need to change your mouthwash...
December 19th, 2012, 08:05 PM #96
Did you hear that Santa Claus got arrested for pimping on the Las Vegas Strip???
He kept pointing to the girls yelling "HO! HO! HO!"...
December 20th, 2012, 08:13 AM #97
3 guys are sitting around talking about their favorite holiday.
Guy1 "Man, I love Easter. Easter is when we gather around the table, I carve the turkey and eat pumpkin pie for dessert!"
Guy2 "That's not Easter! Easter is when the family gathers around the tree and exchange presents!"
Guy3 "Your both wrong! Easter is the celebration of the resurrection of jesus christ. 3 days after he's killed, Jesus rises from the dead. He heads to the front of the cave he was entombed in, steps out into the sun...
and if he sees his shadow we have two more weeks of winter!"
December 20th, 2012, 09:42 AM #98
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
December 20th, 2012, 03:49 PM #99
a young Indian boy was asking his father how ever one in the tribe got their names. The father said, "well my son. We pick the names by taking the child our of the wikiup, holding it over our heads, chanting and praying to the great spirit for a vision, and we name the child after the first sight the Great Spirit shows us. I'm Grey Wolf, your mother is Blue Snow Bird, your brother is Painted Horse, and your sister is Dancing Leaves" ...... "Why do you ask this question Two Dogs ****ing"?
December 20th, 2012, 07:50 PM #100
An attractive lass from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
To the surprise, and perhaps delight of the dealers and all the gentlemen seated around the table, she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, held the dice above her head and shook them yelling, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
She tossed the dice, and as they came to a stop, she jumped up and down excitedly and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers and a few of her fellow gamblers, grabbed her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."