December 20th, 2012, 09:49 PM #101
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this...but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"
December 20th, 2012, 10:00 PM #102
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she’d stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you’ve been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
December 23rd, 2012, 11:35 AM #103
A couple checks into a hotel next to a railroad station. The only room left in town.
The man goes out to take a walk, the woman lies down to take a rest. All of a sudden, a train goes by at about 100 miles an hour and the vibration from the train knocks her out of bed… Ten minutes later, another train comes by so close that the vibrations knock her out of bed again.
She calls down and complains to the manager. She says, “What kind of hotel is this? A train came by so close that the vibration of the train knocked me out of bed TWICE!”
The manager sarcastically says, “I’d like to see that!”
She says, “Come on upstairs,”
He comes up. She says “Lay down in that bed for a minute.” He lays down.
Just about then her husband walks in. “What are you doing in that bed?”
He says, “Believe it or not, I’m waiting for a train.”
December 24th, 2012, 01:42 PM #104
Just in time for Christmas. A new Muslim pull string doll is on the market. But nobody knows what it does or say's because nobody has the balls to pull the string
December 25th, 2012, 08:53 PM #105
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Johnny, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
Johnny thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at Johnny in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
December 25th, 2012, 11:26 PM #106
A guy walks into a bar and approaches a very attractive blonde. "I bet I can tell you your exact birthdate-- month, day, and year," the guy says to the blonde.
"How are you going to do that?" asks the skeptical gal. "I can do it just by feeling your breasts," answers the guy.
"Seriously? You can tell the day I was born just by feeling my breasts!"
"I've done it many times, and I haven't been wrong yet. If you don't think I can do it, why don't you prove me wrong?"
"Well, I don't think you can do it," says the blonde, "so go ahead and try."
So the guy begins to rub and massage the blonde's breasts. After a good two minutes have gone by, the blonde says, "OK, let's see how smart you are. When do you think I was born?"
Without missing a squeeze, the guy replies, "Apparently yesterday."
December 27th, 2012, 04:29 PM #107
A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued"...and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said "I’ve already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.
Twice I’ve asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
December 27th, 2012, 10:11 PM #108
At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home.
Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
December 31st, 2012, 10:19 AM #109
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Anaheim Ducks fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Ducks fans, too. Not really knowing what a Ducks' fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Ducks fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Kings fan.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Lucy why she is a Kings fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are Kings fans, and I'm a Kings fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?" A pause, and a smile.
"THEN," says Lucy, "I'd be a Ducks' fan."
January 1st, 2013, 12:58 AM #110
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to Ducks fans for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that Ducks fans are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."