A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"
And his lovely wife replies, "I don't idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
Conversation in the afterlife.
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
I froze to death.
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
So, what happened?
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up again!!
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.
Her firend saw this and said, “Hey, that’s a good idea! What is that you put over your cigarette?”
The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”
“A condom? Where do you get those?”
The lady with the cigarette told her that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. Then the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said “Yes”, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”
The old lady thought for a minute and then said, “One that will fit a Camel!”
Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to the other side...
While in a forest, a man is seen by a bear, who quickly starts chasing him! While running for his life, the man starts yelling, "Please God! Save me!"
God, then responds, "Why should I save you?" You have never talked to me until today!"
The man then asks, "Well, at least make the bear into a good Christian!"
The bear then gets on his knees, puts his paws together, and says, "Thanks God for this meal that I am about to receive!"
After a Panda finishes eating at a restaurant, the waiter bring his check, but the panda stands up, shoots the waiter, and starts to run out the door.
A woman, then, can’t help but yell, “How could you to this!?!”
The running animal responds, “I am a Panda! Look it up!”
The woman, who is now confused looks up the word Panda in a dictionary and reads:
Panda: An Asian mammal who eats shoots and leaves.
A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "Why ya driving so fast for boy? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."
The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"
The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.
Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bob was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bob soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bob spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee. When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bob said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"
At an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled...
"Would all the married men,
please stand next to othe one person
who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.
Ten were Ducks fans, one was a fan of the Los Angeles Kings.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the Kings fan gave a truly touching speech saying he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others.
The Ducks fans applauded.