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Thread: The bad (or even good) joke thread!

  1. #121
    Dolphins Hate Sharks! orpheus's Avatar




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    So an atom walks into a bar and peeps ask him how he's been.

    He tells them, "Well, I been having a bad day. I lost an electron."

    "Are you sure?" One of the bar patrons asks him.

    "Yeah," the atom replies, " I am positive."
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    Only by living absurdly is it possible to break out of this infinite absurdity.
    -Julio Cortazar

  2. #122
    Registered Redophile King Ludwig's Avatar




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    A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve.

    Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

    A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
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  3. #123
    All Star x-wingcamewest's Avatar




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    a Termite walks into a pub and asks, "where is the bar tender"?
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  4. #124
    Dolphins Hate Sharks! orpheus's Avatar




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    One day James Bond comes across a chicken and he decides to introduce himself.

    "Hello, I am Bond, James Bond."

    The chicken smiles and replies, "I am Ken, Chick Ken."
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    Only by living absurdly is it possible to break out of this infinite absurdity.
    -Julio Cortazar

  5. #125
    Registered Redophile King Ludwig's Avatar




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    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. **** those rednecks!

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on Tabasco and canned chilies.
    JUDGE TWO: When did Summer's Eve come in Tabasco flavor? I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    FRANK: You could put a ******* grenade in my mouth, pull the ******* pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my ******* mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my ******* shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. **** it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the ******* 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
    FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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  6. #126
    Dolphins Hate Sharks! orpheus's Avatar




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    A medical student, who has to work with cadavers, realized that his anniversary with his stripper girlfriend was coming up.

    He then decided to giver her a hand from one the cadavers he had been working with.

    So he went to his girlfriend's work and gave her the hand wrapped inside a box.

    The girlfriend opened the box and with disgust asked, "How could you give me this time of thing!?!

    "Well," he responded, "Because this strip club has a hands off policy!"
    Only by living absurdly is it possible to break out of this infinite absurdity.
    -Julio Cortazar

  7. #127
    Registered Redophile King Ludwig's Avatar




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    Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?"

    Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!"

    Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the KINGS game."
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  8. #128
    Dolphins Hate Sharks! orpheus's Avatar




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    So Descartes walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender then asks him, "Would you like a drink?"

    "I think not," Descartes replies.

    He then disappears.
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    Only by living absurdly is it possible to break out of this infinite absurdity.
    -Julio Cortazar

  9. #129
    Registered Redophile King Ludwig's Avatar




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    What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup???

    Anyone can roast beef...
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  10. #130
    Part IV. A new begining.. empire's Avatar




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    Sensitive Man

    A woman meets a man in a bar.

    They talk; they connect; they end
    up leaving together.

    They get back to his place,
    and as he shows her around his
    apartment.
    She notices that one wall of his
    bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
    cuddly teddy bears.
    There are three shelves in the
    bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
    cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
    in rows, covering the entire wall!

    It was obvious that he had taken
    quite some time to lovingly arrange them
    and she was immediately touched
    by the amount of thought he had
    put into organizing the display.

    There were small bears all along
    the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
    length of the middle shelf,
    and huge, enormous bears running
    all the way along the top shelf.

    She found it strange for an
    obviously masculine guy
    to have such a large collection of
    Teddy Bears,

    She is quite impressed by his
    sensitive side.but doesn't mention this to him.
    They share a bottle of wine and
    continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
    thinking,

    'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
    could be the one!
    Maybe he could be the future
    father of my children?'
    She turns to him and kisses him
    lightly on the lips

    He responds warmly.

    They continue to kiss, the passionbuilds,
    and he romantically lifts her in
    his arms and carries her into his bedroom
    where they rip off each other's
    clothes and make hot, steamy love.
    She is so overwhelmed that she
    responds with more passion,
    more creativity, more heat than she
    has ever known.
    After an intense, explosive night
    of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
    they are lying there together in
    the afterglow.
    The woman rolls over, gently
    strokes his chest and asks coyly,
    'Well, how was it?'
    The guy gently smiles at her,
    strokes her cheek,
    looks deeply into her eyes,
    and says:








    'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
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