January 17th, 2013, 12:06 PM #121
So an atom walks into a bar and peeps ask him how he's been.
He tells them, "Well, I been having a bad day. I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?" One of the bar patrons asks him.
"Yeah," the atom replies, " I am positive."
January 17th, 2013, 01:54 PM #122
A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
January 17th, 2013, 02:45 PM #123
a Termite walks into a pub and asks, "where is the bar tender"?
January 18th, 2013, 01:56 PM #124
One day James Bond comes across a chicken and he decides to introduce himself.
"Hello, I am Bond, James Bond."
The chicken smiles and replies, "I am Ken, Chick Ken."
January 18th, 2013, 05:59 PM #125
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. **** those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on Tabasco and canned chilies.
JUDGE TWO: When did Summer's Eve come in Tabasco flavor? I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a ******* grenade in my mouth, pull the ******* pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my ******* mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my ******* shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. **** it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the ******* 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
January 21st, 2013, 03:15 PM #126
A medical student, who has to work with cadavers, realized that his anniversary with his stripper girlfriend was coming up.
He then decided to giver her a hand from one the cadavers he had been working with.
So he went to his girlfriend's work and gave her the hand wrapped inside a box.
The girlfriend opened the box and with disgust asked, "How could you give me this time of thing!?!
"Well," he responded, "Because this strip club has a hands off policy!"
January 22nd, 2013, 08:39 AM #127
Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?"
Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!"
Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the KINGS game."
January 22nd, 2013, 09:21 AM #128
So Descartes walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender then asks him, "Would you like a drink?"
"I think not," Descartes replies.
He then disappears.
January 24th, 2013, 08:19 AM #129
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup???
Anyone can roast beef...
January 26th, 2013, 04:21 PM #130
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passionbuilds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'