January 28th, 2013, 12:56 AM #151
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"
Confucious say: ''Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk."
There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.'' The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.''
A blonde sees a posting on a bulletin board that says, "Cruise -- Only $5."
She goes to the address on the back and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.
The other blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome.
While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?"
"Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours."
"I can die a happy man. Godbye my love."
And the man peacefully passed away.
Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other three."
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Please remove your blouse, says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.
When she is ready, the doctor says, "OK, big breaths."
"Yeth," she replies, "and I've had them thinth I wath thixthteen!"
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,
"Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
Q: Why did the man put condoms on his ears during sex?
A: He didn't want to get hearing aids.
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a herd of elephants with sunglasses on?
A: Nothing, she didn't recognize them.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?" God asks her.
"Lord," she says, "I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples," she says.
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you," the good Lord tells her.
"What's a 'man', Lord?" she inquires.
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressivetendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?" she asks.
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
January 28th, 2013, 01:53 AM #152
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. ''You don't want to try these techniques at home.''
''Why not?'' asked someone from the back of the audience. ''I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,'' the expert explained.
''She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'''
The voice from the back asked, ''Did it save time?''
The expert replied, ''Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.''
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.
''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''
"You remind me of a famous movie star."
"Really? Which one?"
What did the father say to his blonde daughter?
''If you're not in bed by 11, come home.''
A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"
The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"
The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"
"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.
"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the plane and sat down in first class.
A few minutes later, a flight attendent came up to her and told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move from the seat. She refused. The flight attendent was persistant, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here, I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class."
The flight attendent was getting frustrated. Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move.
Another passenger who overheard the conversation asked the attendent, "How did you get her to move?"
The flight attendent replied, "I told her that first class doesn't stop in Detroit."
Did you hear the one about the good-looking woman who went on a fishing trip?
She came home with a red snapper.
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
January 28th, 2013, 03:14 AM #153
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.
The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!''
"Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.
Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!''
And off she went.
The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''
A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket.
"What is that?" she asks.
"Those are my golf balls."
"Is that like tennis elbow?"
The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go camping for the weekend. The brunette brings food so they can eat, the red head brings water so they can drink and the blonde brings a car door, so if she gets hot she can roll down a window.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do guys and ceramic tiles have in common?
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for the rest of your life!
A guy walks down the street and trips over an old oil lamp. As he picks it up, a genie pops out and says, "I will grant you one wish."
The surprised man says, "I want to live in a mansion in Hawaii, but I am afraid of boats and planes, so I want there to be a bridge from here to there."
The genie sighs, "That's too much work. Sorry, can't make it happen."
The man says, "Fine, then I want to understand women."
The genie replies, "Would you like two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem was that she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks?
Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, b***h?"
How do you keep a blonde at home?
Build a circular driveway.
Two men drink in a bar.
One man says, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?"
The other man says, "No. Is that true?"
"Yes," says the first man. "If you drink too much, you start talking c**p and drive terribly."
January 30th, 2013, 06:48 PM #154
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A. Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
January 30th, 2013, 11:12 PM #155
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket for a car with Amaheim Ducks stickers all over it.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked-Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
So I called him a piece of horse ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a ****--my bus was just turning the corner.
GO KINGS GO!!!!!
January 31st, 2013, 12:31 AM #156
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"
Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."
The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big bloobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."
Last edited by vindogla; January 31st, 2013 at 12:35 AM.
February 4th, 2013, 08:00 PM #157
So these two Disney characters are in a bar and they start discussing Mickey Mouse and how he seems down lately.
"Hey, have you noticed how sad Mickey is these days?"
"Yeah, he's having problems with Minnie."
"I think I've heard about it. He's sad because she went crazy, right?"
"No. You got it wrong. He's upset that Minnie's ****ing Goofy!"
February 13th, 2013, 08:45 PM #158
A wife being the romantic sort, decided on Valentine's Day to send a text to her husband at his office...
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send
me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking,
send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
A few minutes later, she received a reply... "I am on the toilet. What should I do?"
February 14th, 2013, 01:40 PM #159
Daniel had three girlfriends, but couldn't decide which one he should marry, so he gave each one $5,000 to see how each of them spent it, and to help him make his decision. The first redhead used the money to get a total makeover, telling Daniel that she wanted to look pretty for him because she loved him. The second redhead went out and bought new golf clubs, a DVD player, a big-screen TV, and a stereo. She gave these things to Daniel and told him she bought them for him because she loved him. The third redhead took the money and invested it, doubling her investment and returning the original $5,000 to him. She told him she had invested for their future because she loved him.
Daniel thought for a long time about how each of the gorgeous redheads had decided to spend the money, and finally decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
February 14th, 2013, 01:45 PM #160
A man goes to the store to buy Valentine's cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounds him. He mutters out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-wives?"
A clerk, standing in the next isle, overhears the man and says, “Yes sir, we do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really... you must be kidding me right?"
"No sir,” replies the clerk... I wouldn't kid you. Just hop over to sporting goods and ask for 'Bullets'..."