February 24th, 2013, 04:46 AM #171
A Ducks fan and a Kings fan are bungee-jumping one day. The Kings fan says to the Ducks fan. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The Ducks fan thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The Ducks fan jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the Kings fan notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Kings fan isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the Kings fan misses him. The Ducks fan falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the Kings fan finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The Ducks fan says, "No, the cord was fine...but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
The Kings fan is thinking..."I can make billions...so long as those Ducks fans don't get wise to this scheme..."
February 25th, 2013, 06:17 PM #172
Here's one for St. Patrick's Day.
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman were sitting in a tavern in New York City one evening.
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, 'tis nothin'," said Paddy Cavanaugh, the Irishman. "In me favorite pub back in County Cork, the moment you set foot In the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, All the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, They'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you, Paddy ?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
February 25th, 2013, 07:21 PM #173
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has the Ducks?
New Jersey got the first pick!!
February 26th, 2013, 12:45 AM #174
The other day I bought an Opera car...
It went very Faust...
February 28th, 2013, 04:51 PM #175
What do the three balls of a pawn shop mean???
2 to 1 you'll never get it back...
March 3rd, 2013, 11:13 AM #176
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong he said nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if had lost him. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed. To my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Today the Kings lost, but at least I got laid.
March 8th, 2013, 10:11 AM #177
A blond Ducks fan calls her husband (a Kings fan) at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blond wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
March 8th, 2013, 11:58 AM #178
For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans; instead he substituted hickory nuts. Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes; he frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?" "I can't lie to ya," Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc."
March 10th, 2013, 12:27 AM #179
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
March 12th, 2013, 06:22 AM #180
about a year ago I was watching my wife come down the breeze way in the barn with a broom in her hand. I smiled and asked her where she was taking off to again.