April 2nd, 2013, 09:15 PM #181
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
April 2nd, 2013, 11:19 PM #182
A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A dumb-ass Ducks fan in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
May 11th, 2013, 11:56 PM #183
So there was this drunk wandering late at night and looking for something on the floor. A cop then sees him and asks him what he's doing. The drunkard tells him that he dropped his keys.
The officer looks at him and asks, "Do you think you dropped them here?"
"No," said the drunk. I am sure that I dropped them in that alley over there, but the light is better out here."
May 12th, 2013, 06:52 AM #184
Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their 6 year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know 6 year old boys donít like church at all.
Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God. "Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, suck a pin in her son's right butt cheek. "GOD!!!!" Cried little Johnny.
"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on. But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question "Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked.
Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek. "JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Yelled Johnny.
And once again the pastor replied "Very good." Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. "What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"
But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!"
May 12th, 2013, 05:38 PM #185
So some dude was complaining to some of his friends that he thinks that his roommate is gay. He didn't seem very happy about it.
Then one of his friends asked him, "Well, what makes you think that he is gay?"
Said dude then thought about it and responded, "Well, for one thing, he always gets off when I blow him."
May 20th, 2013, 08:03 AM #186
Lisa came to work one day, limping something awful. One of her co-workers, William, noticed and asked Lisa what happened.
Lisa replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
William said, "I never knew you played hockey."
Lisa, then said, "Oh I don't play. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I got mad and put my foot through the television."
May 20th, 2013, 08:10 AM #187
Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman all die and meet in heaven. God is sitting in his chair waiting for them. God says to the three legends, gentlemen before I let you in, you must tell me what you believe. "Mario we'll start with you, in what do you believe?"
"I believe hockey is the greatest thing in the world and the best sport in history". To that God says "take the seat to my left". God then turns to Steve and says, "Steve, in what do you believe?"
To which Steve replies "I believe to be the best, you've got to give every ounce you've got!" To that God says "take the seat to my right".
God then turns to number 99 and says "Wayne, tell me what do you believe?" To which Wayne replies "I believe you are sitting in my seat."
May 20th, 2013, 10:04 AM #188
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly jersey we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive teal thing with the shark on it?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
“That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest jersey we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that jersey, his guide dog bit me."
May 24th, 2013, 10:24 PM #189
There were two friends in Los Angeles. Both of them were drunks.
One of them was happy, while another sad.
The happy one asked the other, "Tell me, what's buggin' ya?"
"You see, when I come home drunk, my wife locks a door. I
have to walk the streets for many hours, and get into trouble
with Los Angeles police. They want to get rid off me at work. Nothing to
"You know, I had that problem in the past, but found a solution.
I start undressing naked at the stairways, and press a bell button.
When my wife opens a door, I throw my clothes inside. She becomes scared
of the possible scandal, so she lets me in."
"You know, I gonna try it."
A few weeks later the two drunks meet again and the sad guy is even worse
"What happened? Did you try my advice?"
"Let me tell you. I undressed, pressed the button. The door
opened, I threw all of my clothes, and then doors closed.
Then I heard, "Next stop: Staples Center."
May 24th, 2013, 10:58 PM #190
"Bah! It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he
stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn and watered it naked?"
"Probably, that I married you for your money," she replied.