What did the Dr say to the midget?
You'll just have to be a little patient.
What is brown and sticky?
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
"Hockey won't hold still to give you a better look. You wouldn't want it to anyway. It's the action that makes the possibilities endless."
A young man is walking through his neighborhood when he sees a sign in front of a house that reads "Talking Dog For Sale, Inquire Within." Curiosity gets the best of him and he knocks on the door of the house. An old man answers the door and asks if he's there to see the dog.
"Yes, sir," said the younger man. "But is it really a talking dog?"
The old man replied with a smile, "Go around back and see yourself."
The young man walked around the side of the house, through the gate, and found a beautiful German Shepard sitting on the porch. He walked up to it and looked at it for a little while. The dog just looked back. Even though he felt silly, the young man eventually broke the silence.
"Umm... hi. Can you talk?"
"Absolutely," the dog replied. "What can I do for you?"
The young man was understandably shocked. "Oh my God," he exclaimed, "How can you talk??"
"Well," the dog replied, "As a young pup I discovered I could understand and perfectly immitate the sounds of humans. It wasn't long before I was having full conversations with the people around me. I was eventually discovered by the CIA and was integral in taking down some of the leading terrorists around the world. I could go anywhere, and nobody would suspect that I could understand or relay what was being said. I traveled the world, and received countless medals and accomidations for my service to this great country. But after several years, I began to grow wary. We dogs don't age as well as you humans, and I had to retire. I came home, fell in love, and had a beautiful family that now has a family of its own. I now spend my days relaxing here in the sun, and couldn't imagine having had a better life."
The young man was dumbfounded. He ran back around the house where he found the old man.
"You have a talking dog!" he exclaimed.
"Yep," replied the old man.
"That is AMAZIMNG! How much do you want for him?"
The old man thought for a few seconds. "Ten bucks."
The younger man was caught off gaurd. "Ten bucks?" he asked. "You have a talking dog and you're selling him for ten bucks?"
"Yeah," said the old man, "because he's a ****ing liar! He hasn't done anything but eat **** his whole life!"
Last edited by FishMonger; October 25th, 2012 at 11:27 AM.
Once these 3 friends went on a trip together during Spring break, but they didn't have a lot of money so could only afford one hotel room with one bed. They decided it wasn't an issue. So all 3 sleep in the same bed.
The next morning, the guy on the left, and the guy on the right wake up with major hard ons. And then the guy in the middle wakes up, and says, "I just had a dream were I was skiing."
So there is this guy, who walks in a bar (how many jokes start like this?) who leans to a man next to him, smiles, and asks him, "Would you like to hear and accountant joke?" The guy next to him, who is 6'2 and 225 pounds, and an accountant, mind you, say, well I am accountant, do you really wanna make jokes about people like me?
Then the second guy says, God no, if I do, I will then have to explain it twice.