So these two old guys were talking about the possibility of ending up in a coma or just bed ridden. And one them says, "I never want to end up in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and liquids."
So the other guy, gets up, throws all the booze down the drain, and unplugs the television.
Old horrible joke but here goes. "Rhianna walks into a bar or that's what Chris Brown told me."
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Me and my wife used to be deeply in love, but after we bought a water bed, we started to drift apart.
Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but then he was no oil-painting, either. After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.
"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife," replied the Reverend.
Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.
The pastor looked at Tom's wife and gave him $45 change.
At a fancy bridal reception, one of the guests passes gas. The groom, then, gets upset, and says, "How dare do you fart in front of my wife!"
"Sorry," the man said, "I didn't know it was your wife's turn."
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
What's worse than raining cats and dogs???
Hailing taxi cabs...
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bat...h.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. After all, it WAS the captain's parrot.
One stormy day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean...of course, the parrot was adrift on this same very piece of wood with him. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day...then another...and then another.
After almost three days the parrot finally says, "OK, I give up. Where the hell is the boat?"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemo sabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running..."