August 28th, 2013, 09:18 PM #231
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frigín bike.
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didnít take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
August 28th, 2013, 09:32 PM #232
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "I hope you rot in hell!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten b*****d!"
The judge stops and says to the man in the back of the courtroom . . . "Sir, I can understand your anger and
frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The man stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that sonofa*****,
and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
August 29th, 2013, 04:29 AM #233
There was a lawyer who subpoenaed this young fellow as his prinmcipal witness...and the kid hardly got in the witness chair when the shyster lawyer started firing questions at him...
"Do you have any occupation???"
He said "WHAT???"...
"Do you have any occupation??? Any jobs???"
He said, "No!"...
"Does your father have any occupation???"
He said "Nope..."
"Then who supports your family???"
He said "Nobody..."
"Are you telling me that your father doesn't support the family???"
He said "Nope..."...
"Then according from what I heard...your father is a no good...lazy bum...isn't he???"
The kid said..."Go ask him yourself... He's the foreman of the jury..."
September 6th, 2013, 09:36 PM #234
I was sitting innocently at a bus stop wearing my vintage KINGS cap and minding my own business when this fat broad wearing an Ucks jersey decided to add in her two cents... She pointed at my cap and said..."You must have went to school, Stupid..."
I immediately stuck up for our beloved Kings and retorted..."Judging from that jersey...you came out stupid too..."
September 6th, 2013, 10:28 PM #235
An Irishman and an Italian entered a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking, the Italian stole three chocolate bars.
As they left
the store, the Italian said to the Irishman
"Man I'm the best thief. I stole three chocolate bars
and no one saw me. You can't beat that."
The Irishman said, "You want to see something better?
Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and the Irishman said to the shopkeeper
"Do you want to see magic?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Yes."
The Irishman said "Give me one chocolate bar."
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.
The Irishman asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
Then he asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked "But where's the magic?"
The Irishman replied "Check in my friend's pocket,
and you'll find all three chocolate bars."
You just CAN'T beat an Irishman...........
September 6th, 2013, 11:41 PM #236
When I was at the resort last weekend with my wife, we went to the beach, and the lamented the fact that we didn't bring any drinks. So I went to our hotel room to grab a cooler and some beers and saw that one of the maids was still there cleaning the room.
"Excuse, me?" I was wondering, can we drink on the back," I asked the maid.
"Sure!" But you have to wait until I finish cleaning two more rooms.
September 7th, 2013, 01:19 AM #237
September 7th, 2013, 02:14 AM #238
I asked my friend from Winnipeg if he have a good Summer?
He replied, "Yes. We had a great picnic on that one afternoon!"
September 19th, 2013, 07:43 AM #239
Duck in a Pub
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a dry-waller."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ."What the f... would they want with a drywaller??!"
September 19th, 2013, 07:44 AM #240
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!