A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked.
The lady was insulted.
"You Americans are so rude." she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said.
The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?”
The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant. You are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
Bob and his family, including his mother in law, went to Jerusalem on a vacation. During the vacation, the mother in law suddenly died. So Bob went to the American consulate and asked how much it would cost to send the body back to the U.S so he could make arrangements for a burial. The man at the consulate told him that it was very expensive, about 5000 dollars, which is why when most people die here, they get buried here for 500 dollars.
The man thought about it and said that he really wants to send the body back.
The man in the consulate told Bob, "You must really love his mother in law since you are willing to spend that much more money."
"No, that's not true!" says Bob. "You see, I know of a moment many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, who on the third day was resurrected. I do not want to take that chance!"
A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.
After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty bucks and get out."
"I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in Los Angeles if you have no money?"
"Listen, Doctor", says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."
JACKSONVILLE FL (AP) -- Jacksonville Jaguars football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Gus Bradley immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
At the company water cooler, this woman was bragging about her children's world travels: "One son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India."
My quip, however, stopped her short. "What is it about you," I asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
So at the pearly gates, three men walked in, one of them Italian, one of them Asian, and one of them Black.
The Italian fellow says, God, I was discriminated in my youth, please let me in. And God replies, yes, all you have to do is spell GOD.
So the fellow spells out G-O-D and gets let in.
The Asian fellow then walks up and says that he was also discriminated and asks to let in.
God then tells him yes, and asks him to spell G-O-D. He does and gets in.
Then the Black fellow walks up and tells God that he has been discriminated too.
God tells him that there is no discrimination in heaven and then asks him to spell Czechoslovakia.
An elderly couple go to a doctor. The man says, “We want to know if we’re making love properly. Will you look at us?”
The doctor says, “Go ahead.” So they make love.
The doctor says, “You’re making love perfectly. That will be $70.00.”
They come back six weeks in a row, and do the same thing.
The seventh visit, the doctor said, “What are you coming here like this for… I told you you’re making love properly.”
The man says, “She can’t come to my house, I can’t go to her house. You charge us $70.00. The Holiday Inn cost us $80.00, and we get back $60 from Medicare.”
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Yessh! SShomebody sshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thissssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's weenie is being exhibited for the entire world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Ohhh NOOO...They got my girlfriend too!"
So a couple find themselves walking and suddenly a spaceship lands and an alien couple walks out. The human and alien couple then talk about life and when they reach the topic of sex, they are surprised at how similar their sex lives are. So the two men decide to try and experiment and switch wives.
When the alien takes off his clothes, he pulls his ears and his thing grows to two feet.
The human woman tells him that she can break that thing. So the alien pulls his ears again, his thing grows two more feet, and they have the best sex of their lives.
The next day, the human man asks his wife, "How was it?"
His wife says, "It was great. How about your night?"
"Strange," the man replied, "While she was riding me, she pulled at my ears, and kept on yelling, it's broken! It's broken!"
In San Jose...a doctor is finishing a house call... Just before he leaves...he tells Mrs. Torres that her husband needs to move to a warmer climate...
About five minutes later...she says "I don't have the heart to do it...but...if you want to do it...there's a gun behind the kitchen door..."