Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
This morning I was beaten up by a woman...I was in an elevator when this busty woman got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards.
A testimony to true friendship is...
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
I once went to France, got drunk on champagne, and fell in love with bubbles.
At least, I think bubbles was her name.
5 Reasons I'm glad I'm not a p*n*s.
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an a**hole.
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"
Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"
And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"
And Little Johnny replied, "Freaking homework and tests!"
Little Johnny’s parents recently retired. His mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so his dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, he asked how she was doing with it.
"Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
"How come?" Johnny asked.
"Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was
that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact:
“Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be
proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Georgia.”
A man is in his local library browsing the aisles of books.
The librarian asked him if he needed some help finding any thing.
Man: "Do you have any books on how to commit suicide?"
Librarian: "Yes we do." she looked into his eyes and said: "But I wont check it out to you."
Man: "That is very nice of you. You don't want me to kill myself, do you?"
Librarian: "No it's not that. I don't think you would ever bring it back."
An Anaheim Ducks fan was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ducks fan shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the Ducks fan turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the Ducks fan flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"