October 18th, 2013, 09:41 PM #261
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got!"
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he says... "All right. Get in..."
October 21st, 2013, 04:43 PM #262
9 Months Later...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, errr, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!, Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
October 29th, 2013, 11:35 PM #263
Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 , you have
to be single and #2 , you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween
November 15th, 2013, 02:04 PM #264
Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
November 15th, 2013, 02:29 PM #265
Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that, "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.
She continued, "Now take off my skirt." He removed her skirt.
"Take off my bra." which he did. "And now Johnny, please take off my panties."
When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!"
November 15th, 2013, 03:16 PM #266
Do you know why birds fly upside down over Vancouver??? Nothing worth ****ting on in the whole city
November 21st, 2013, 07:07 PM #267
An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section :
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
Call me at...... 8250-0327
November 25th, 2013, 08:20 AM #268
It's time to recycle those leftover holiday fruitcakes. That's right, you can have your cake and use it too*. Just consider the possibilities:
Barbecue (cheaper than the ones made with inferior brick).
Saw in half and use as bookends.
Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them on enemy.
Teach your dog to play dead FOR YEARS.
Bed warmer (heat to 350ºF).
Ice pack (chilled for 12 hours).
Christmas tree stand.
Scratching post for your cat.
Salvation Army kettle stand weight.
Slice to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
Use as sand bags during flood season.
Use to fix glitches in Obamacare
Use to stabilize nuclear reactors in Japan
Floor and/or roofing tiles.
*User assumes all liability for busted toes, hernias, and other medical ailments resulting therefrom.
Last edited by King Ludwig; November 25th, 2013 at 08:34 AM.
November 25th, 2013, 08:56 AM #269
December 14th, 2013, 02:35 AM #270
Just before Christmas, there was an smart Ducks Fan, a kind Canucks fan and Santa Claus traveling in an elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a 5 dollar bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??
Santa of course, the other two don't exist!