January 15th, 2014, 03:14 AM #291
A couple were golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix the damage.” Of course, this only made his wife more nervous and she teed up and shot it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost us.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“No, actually I wanted to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem. It’s the least I can do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.
“I want a house in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done.” The genie replied.
“And what’s your wish, genie?”, the husband asked.
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.”
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for six hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband anyway?”
“He’s 35,” she replied.
“And he still believes in genies. That’s amazing.”
January 15th, 2014, 05:23 PM #292
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding
officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring
colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the
courtesies (gin and tonic & cucumber sandwiches that protocol
decreed,) the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain
Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of
this Office. His talent is simply boundless”.
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was
surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked
specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than
three foot tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three
expeditions behind enemy lines”. “I've represented Great
Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the
history of..." Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never
mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a
January 18th, 2014, 02:14 PM #293
January 23rd, 2014, 05:27 AM #294
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building. He was wearing a short-sleeved T-shirt, so he stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down. The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants to let the chicken stick its head out. The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
January 26th, 2014, 03:11 PM #295
What has 6 balls and screws you twice a week?
January 26th, 2014, 03:25 PM #296
An Irishman is in a pub about as drunk as it’s possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good
Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, and he keeps falling down.
He falls down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times while getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door and one of the guys says,
“We brought your husband home.”
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
January 29th, 2014, 05:53 AM #297
I was talking with a Ducks fan about reincarnation...
The Ducks fan said that he wanted to come back as a jackass...
I had to set him straight...and after a short pause I said...
"Things like that don't happen twice in a row..."
January 29th, 2014, 07:34 AM #298
January 29th, 2014, 09:27 AM #299
Joke of the Day
Ok, I've been literally working on this joke for the past 3 days and I think I've finally perfected it.
What do the Kings and a vagina have in common?
They don't score during a period!
January 29th, 2014, 09:30 AM #300