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Thread: The bad (or even good) joke thread!

  1. #31
    Registered Redophile King Ludwig's Avatar




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    A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the hay crop to fertilize it. The kid says, "Hey, Pop - I learned in college that there is an easier way to do everything."

    They go into town and get some dynamite. They're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the manure into the hay field. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. Ba-Booom!

    The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She lands in the hay field. They go running up to her. "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you alright? Are you alright?"

    She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Phew! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"
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  2. #32
    Registered Redophile King Ludwig's Avatar




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    A magistrate is speaking to three juvenile delinquents brought before him for a misdemeanour. He ask the first teen why hes there.

    He replies, For throwing peanuts in the lake.

    The judge asks the second teen why hes there.

    He replies, For throwing peanuts in the lake.

    The judge asks the third teen why hes there.

    He says, Im Peanuts.
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  3. #33
    Dolphins Hate Sharks! orpheus's Avatar




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    Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death?

    He couldn't find any dloob...
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  4. #34
    Dolphins Hate Sharks! orpheus's Avatar




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    So there was this great orator, Patrick Henry, who also had a hard time keeping a certain orifice in check. So he would go around giving speeches and passing gas, so much that he got a reputation.

    And one day, when they threatened to take his freedom away, he got up and spoke, "Give me Liberty!! Or pull my finger!!"

    They decided to give him freedom because no one wanted to pull his finger and release any of that reputation.
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  5. #35
    Registered Redophile King Ludwig's Avatar




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    After the Clowe incident, I heard one of my fellow Kings fan brethren state that Im ending it all as soon as I can. I thought that he was going to do himself in and not what he actually did. He changed his last name from Clowe to King at around 10:15 this morning.


    He told Judge Brown I dont want my last name associated with that San Jose Sharks clown any longer.


    The judge smiled and after it was all over took Mr. King aside and told him: I can understand where youre coming from, my friend. My last name used to be Avery.

  6. #36
    Registered Redophile King Ludwig's Avatar




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    I'll tell this one on myself... This happened four years ago...

    I was ringing for THE Salvation Army at my favorite Smith's and one of the courtesy clerks came up to me and said..."There's a dead pigeon in the parking lot... What should I do???"

    Without missing a beat...I told him to "Go to the deli and tell them to fire up the rotisserie..."

    For some strange reason...he wouldn't look me in the eye after that...

    What was even worse...the Smith's had an inspection that day and one of the inspectors was behind me at the time... I didn't know this until I heard the laughter behind me...

    He told me that "That was wrong on so many levels...but it was funnier than hell..." Then he put a 20 in my kettle and thanked me for giving him something to laugh at...
    Last edited by King Ludwig; November 1st, 2012 at 03:57 AM.
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  7. #37
    Registered Redophile King Ludwig's Avatar




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    A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

    "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

    She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

    To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

  8. #38
    Dolphins Hate Sharks! orpheus's Avatar




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    There were these construction workers who were working on a house, but they ran out of supplies. So they asked the Asian guy if he could get more supplies, and he said yes.

    So he went out to the street and when he saw people coming close, he hid in a corner, and when they passed, he jumped out and said, "Suplise! Suplise! Suplise!"


  9. #39
    1st Scoring Line ucsdguy1's Avatar




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    Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button?



    Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
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  10. #40
    Registered Redophile King Ludwig's Avatar




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    There was a boy in kindergarten who was an Anaheim Ducks fan. One day, he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced counting! I got all the way up to 10, but most of the kids messed up around 6 or 7!!!"

    His mom said, "Good, that's because you're an Anaheim Ducks fan."

    The next day he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced the alphabet! I got all the way to the end, but most of the kids got messed up around "s" or "t"!"

    His mom said, "Good, that's because you're an Anaheim Ducks fan."

    The next day, he came home and said "Mommy, guess what, they measured us today and I'm the tallest person in the whole class!!! Is that because I'm an Anaheim Ducks fan, too?"

    And his mom said, "No, dear, that's because you're 25 years old."
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