Thread: The bad (or even good) joke thread!

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the hay crop to fertilize it. The kid says, "Hey, Pop - I learned in college that there is an easier way to do everything."

They go into town and get some dynamite. They're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the manure into the hay field. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. Ba-Booom!

The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She lands in the hay field. They go running up to her. "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you alright? Are you alright?"

She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Phew! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"

A magistrate is speaking to three juvenile delinquents brought before him for a misdemeanour. He ask the first teen why he’s there.

He replies, ‘For throwing peanuts in the lake.’

The judge asks the second teen why he’s there.

He replies, ‘For throwing peanuts in the lake.’

The judge asks the third teen why he’s there.

He says, ‘I’m Peanuts.’

Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death?

He couldn't find any dloob...

So there was this great orator, Patrick Henry, who also had a hard time keeping a certain orifice in check. So he would go around giving speeches and passing gas, so much that he got a reputation.

And one day, when they threatened to take his freedom away, he got up and spoke, "Give me Liberty!! Or pull my finger!!"

They decided to give him freedom because no one wanted to pull his finger and release any of that reputation.

After the Clowe incident, I heard one of my fellow Kings fan brethren state that “I’m ending it all as soon as I can”. I thought that he was going to do himself in and not what he actually did. He changed his last name from Clowe to King at around 10:15 this morning.


He told Judge Brown “I don’t want my last name associated with that San Jose Sharks clown any longer”.


The judge smiled and after it was all over took Mr. King aside and told him: “I can understand where you’re coming from, my friend. My last name used to be Avery.”

I'll tell this one on myself... This happened four years ago...

I was ringing for THE Salvation Army at my favorite Smith's and one of the courtesy clerks came up to me and said..."There's a dead pigeon in the parking lot... What should I do???"

Without missing a beat...I told him to "Go to the deli and tell them to fire up the rotisserie..."

For some strange reason...he wouldn't look me in the eye after that...

What was even worse...the Smith's had an inspection that day and one of the inspectors was behind me at the time... I didn't know this until I heard the laughter behind me...

He told me that "That was wrong on so many levels...but it was funnier than hell..." Then he put a 20 in my kettle and thanked me for giving him something to laugh at...

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

There were these construction workers who were working on a house, but they ran out of supplies. So they asked the Asian guy if he could get more supplies, and he said yes.

So he went out to the street and when he saw people coming close, he hid in a corner, and when they passed, he jumped out and said, "Suplise! Suplise! Suplise!"

Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button?



Because her boyfriend was blonde too.