November 3rd, 2012, 09:54 PM #41
Olaf was dating Helga for six years and while on their date they were sitting on the couch and Olaf said out of the blue "Helga...why don't we get married???"
She immediately replied "Yes I will marry you!!!"
Six hours later...there was nothing but silence until Helga asked Olaf "Why don't you say something???"
He said "I think I said too much already!!!"
November 9th, 2012, 10:28 AM #42
During a hockey training camp, a turkey showed up and wanted a tryout. The hockey team didn't know what to do, but decided to humor him and let him try out.
He put on his skates, and showed them his stuff. He skated circles around the other players, made great passes, and scored goals.
The team was so impressed that they decided to offer him a contract.
He told him that the would sign that contract, but they needed to put a clause in it to allow him to take Thanksgiving off.
November 10th, 2012, 12:27 AM #43
Never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp.
She's probably thick and tired of it.
November 10th, 2012, 12:39 AM #44
During an argument about sex, a man and a woman argued about which gender enjoys sex more. The man argues that men obviously enjoy sex more. He says, "Why do you think us men are so obsessed with getting laid?" The woman then said that didn't prove anything. Then said, "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"
November 10th, 2012, 12:46 AM #45
Two car salesmen are sitting at a bar, having a few drinks, and talking about their jobs. One of the salesmen then complains about the economy and his skills as a salesman, and says,"Gosh, if I don't sell more cars, I am going to lose my ass!"
Then the two salesmen notice a cute woman and apologize for their language.
The young woman, then, tells them that it's okay and says, "Don't worry, I understand. I have a similar problem. If I don't sell more ass, I will lose my ****ing car."
November 10th, 2012, 06:48 PM #46
When a Bruins fans dies, he reaches the Pearly Gates, and is given a tour of heaven by an angel. As they walk around, the Bruins fans notices a hockey rink and asks the Angel if they can go inside, and the Angel says, "Yes."
When they enter the rink, they see a graceful lone skater, who is fast, graceful, and seems to posses skills that no mere mortal could have. The Bruins fan notices that the skater is wearing a #4 Bruins jersey. Then with tears in his eyes, he then asks the Angel if Bobby Orr has died too?
The Angel replies, "No. That's God, but he thinks he's Bobby Orr."
November 10th, 2012, 08:00 PM #47
This one is high up in my top ten...
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves would strike the right note: Romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the Clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."
All my love.
PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
November 11th, 2012, 07:04 PM #48
So a guy goes to see a psychologist, and tells him that he has a serious problem, that is, that he thinks he can't stop thinking about sex.
The psychologists, then, tells him that he can run a few tests to see if he is really addicted to sex, and performs Rorschach tests, that is, ink blots.
He shows him the first picture and asks him what he sees, and he tells him, "That's a man and a woman making love in a bed."
"Interesting," says the psychologist, so he shows him another picture and asks him what he sees, to which the patient again replies, "That's a man and a woman making love in bed."
The psychologist then shows him a third picture, and once again, the patient sees a man and a woman making love.
"Well," says the psychologist, "You do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me?" the patient responds, "You are the one one who keeps showing me these dirty pictures!"
November 11th, 2012, 07:10 PM #49
Billy had been seeing a psychologist about his fear that there are monsters under his bed and the fact that it prevented him from getting any sleep. He was so frustrated that he couldn't be cured, so he decided to try something different.
Some weeks later, Billy sees his psychologist, who notices that Billy is happy and energetic. The psychologist then asks him how did he got better.
"Well," Billy told him, "I decided to go see a behaviorist psychoanalyst instead of a Freudian like yourself."
"And what did he tell you?" the psychoanalyst asked him.
"To cut off the legs of my bed."
November 11th, 2012, 09:14 PM #50
Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."
Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop and was trying to catch up with me to give her back!"