A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me that time, buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A: They can smell it but they cant eat it!
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
“Is that when you swore?'
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the damn putt, didn't you?"
Mrs. Shapiro, the Matchmaker, goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Mr. Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
Did you hear the Pope fell out of a tree?
He thought he was still a Cardinal.
This man went to the police station to file a complaint against the man who just robbed his house…but before he did…he asked to meet the man…
The policeman thinks that he’s about to take the law into his own hands and doesn’t grant his request…
He pleads with the policeman again and tells him that he will not do anything to him…just ask him a question…
The policeman makes him swear on it and then he lets him talk to the man who just robbed his house…
The man asked the robber “How did you get in without my wife finding out?”
Ralph got home late one night, after doing some heavy drinking at his local bar. After stumbling through his house, he finally made it into bed where his wife was already sleeping. He closed his eyes, and after what seemed like mere seconds, he found himself floating on a cloud in front of the pearly gates, looking face to face with Saint Peter. "Am I dead?" asked Ralph with much regret.
"Yes, I'm afraid you are" replied St. Peter.
"But I'm too young to die," said Ralph, "I have a wife and two kids, can't you make an exception?"
"You can't go back as yourself," stated St. Peter "but I can let you go back to earth to live your life as a chicken."
Ralph thought about this for a minute, then asked, "If I go back as a chicken, could you put me near my family?"
"Absolutely," replied St. Peter, "I'll have you on a farm less than a mile from your old home." Then St. Peter snapped his fingers.
Ralph now found himself pecking at dirt near a chicken coup, when a rooster strolled up and said, " You must be new here. I know all of the hens, and I don't recognize you."
Sheepishly, Ralph replied, "Yeah, I'm the new hen."
"Well," said the rooster, "I'm, the top gallo around here, and if you need anything, you just let me know."
"Now that you mention it," said Ralph, "I have a ton of pressure in my stomach that wont go away."
"You've never ovulated before have you?" asked the rooster.
"No, I haven't" replied Ralph.
"O.k." said the rooster, "This is what you do. Let your mind be at ease, and let the pressure release itself."
Ralph did as instructed, and out popped an egg. Not only was the pressure gone, but for the first time in Ralph's existence, he felt an overwhelming sense of nurturing. He now new what it felt like to be a mother. Unfortunately, almost immediately after laying his first egg, Ralph felt the pressure building up again.
As he started laying his second egg, he heard his wife's loud voice booming from the clouds up above, "DAMMIT RALPH, WAKE UP! YOU'RE *****T!NG THE BED!"
A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.
"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."
The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."
They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus. It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.
The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket--but now ye've gone an' drowned me boy Angus!"