Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.
The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
Once again, the battle was on, and the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
One winter day, a blonde leaves work to find that it was snowing. She was nervous about driving home because she had never driven in snow before. She remembered some advice her father had given her-- that if she had to drive in snow, she should follow a snowplow if possible. Just as she finished clearing the snow from her car, a snowplow drove by, and she decided to drive behind it. After following behind the plow for several minutes, her anxiety began to disappear. The plow cleared the road so well, she felt as though she were driving on a dry road.
After another 15 minutes or so, the plow came to a stop, and the driver got out and walked back to the blonde's car. She rolled down her window, and the driver asked if everything was alright. She told him that everything was fine and she told him what her father had told her about finding a snowplow to follow when it was snowing.
"Whatever makes you happy," said the driver. "I just want to let you know that I'm finished with this parking lot, and I'll be heading over to the Wal-mart next."
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
Another story of the kettle wars...so to speak... This one happened about three years ago...
This homely (to put it mildly) woman wearing an Ucks jersey kept insulting yours truly every time she came within ten feet of my kettle...and kept it up for about two weeks... The last time...she was speaking to a couple of friends and she proudly exclaimed that she was going to night school...
I proudly yelled out "With a face like yours...I wouldn't show it in daylight either..."... Her friends were laughing so hard that I was afraid they were going to need medical attention... A few minutes later her friends came by one by one and each put a $20 in the kettle for the best laugh they ever had in their lives... The "victim" just stormed off...
For some strange reason the insults stopped after that...
I'll do another kettle story...but this one was two years ago...
We had this rather nasty lieutenant in charge of the kettle program that year...and he LOVED his Dallas Cowboys to a point where he'd fire people for even making jokes about them... I had two jokes at their expense at the kettle and telling people to report it to the lieutenant so I could get nailed... Unfortunately...I was one of TWO ringers that actually lasted that entire kettle season without a sick day...even though that lieutenant was a major pain in the backside...
The first joke...
You know...there's three things that you can celebrate once a year... A birthday...an anniversary...the Dallas Cowboys winning a game...
The second joke...
Did you hear that the 7-Eleven convenience store chain is going to buy the Dallas Cowboys??? They're going to rename them 0 and 11...
(This year will be year 10 for me at a Salvation Army kettle...but the 8th at the Smith's near the Red Rock Station Casino - and I think it was being built the first year I was there...)
I went Christmas shopping to pick up a cute little doll for my niece...
I saw this cute little redheaded doll and picked it up...held it and squeezed it until she cried out "MOMMA!!!"
I picked up another cute little redheaded doll...held it and squeezed it until she cried out "DADDY!!!"...
I then picked up this third redheaded doll...held it and squeezed it until she yelled "SECURITY!!!"
A sexy, well-endowed redhead was in an embarrassing situation, for her arms were filled with packages and she was wearing a dress too tight to allow her to step up into the bus. A crowd pressed from behind, and so she reached back, unobserved she hoped, and pulled down the zipper at the back of her dress. It didn't seem to work, so she reached again for the zipper and additional freedom, but again it was no use.
Then from out of the crowd, I picked her up and deposited her gently inside the bus.
"What right have you to pick me up like that?" she gasped. "Why I don't even know you."
"Well," I said, "after you pulled my zipper down the second time, I began to feel as though we were pretty good friends."
Sometime ago, I had $1000 dollars to invest.
I considered buying some Nortel stock. Had I done that, I would have had $16.00.
I also considered using the money to buy Enron stock, which would had left me with $12.50.
Then Bernie Madoff offered me a chance to invest and that would had left me with $0.
I was so confused with these investment potentials, that finally, I said screw it, and decided to spend the money on $1000 Budweiser, the beer, not the stock.
Every time, however, I would return the cans for the 10 cent deposit and ended up with a $215 return.
The lesson here kids, don't invest, instead drink heavily and recycle. :manybeers:
A psychiatrist got the idea that in order to determine whether a not a patient is sane enough to leave the mental hospital, he needs to come up with a foolproof test. His idea of a foolproof test was to take a patient to an empty pool, tell the patient to get on the diving board, and if he doesn't jump, well, he will be deemed sane and let go.
So he takes one patient, tells him to jump, he does, and the patient gets hurt.
He then takes a second patient, who also jumps, and also gets hurt.
However, when he takes a third patient, the patient refuses to jump.
The psychiatrist, then, congratulates the patient and tells him that he is ready to leave the mental hospital.
"Just out of curiosity," asked the psychiatrist, "Why didn't you jump?"
The patient looked at the doctor and responded, "Well, because I remembered that I don't know how to swim."
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."