Years ago in a coal mining town in upstate Pennsylvania, the mayor who was a staunch Irishman who liked his beer. He liked to do much of his politicking in the numerous bars in town on Friday and Saturday nights. After one particularly long session, he stumbled out of a barroom and couldn't keep down the beers any longer, and threw up all over the front of his suit.
The next morning, he realized he needed to come up with a story when his wife found the soiled clothing. He came down into the kitchen and began spinning his tale... "Me and the lads were coming out of Donahue's bar last evenin' when we were accosted by a few ruffians carryin' their drunken friend down the street, and behold, the drunkard threw up all over me. Well, I told him I'd have none of this behavior in my town, and he'll be appearin' in front of me come Monday morning. He'll be sitting in the pokey for two days fer public drunkenness, that's what he'll be doing."
The wife listened silently to the entire story, then replied, "Only two days? Why, I think that's much too lenient a sentence. I'd give him a week- fer not only did he throw up on the front of yer suit, it appears he **** in yer drawers as well."
What do you call a midget psychic on the run from the law?
A small medium at large.
Best so far :banasmoke:
Originally Posted by gunmetalgray
What's the difference between a popular girl and an unpopular girl???
YES and NO...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
After a night of passionate sex, Sally remembered, or is that forgot, to take the pill. She did remember what one of her cousins told her, that is, that if you jump after sex, you won't get pregnant.
Just to make sure, she went sky diving that night. She also forgot to pack a parachute. I guess getting pregnant was the least of her worries after crash landing on the ground.
Well done! Medium, Rare! :P
Originally Posted by gunmetalgray
Two rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: A Chance to Win Free Sex when you fill your tank.
They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant who said, "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the rednecks, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking eight." replied the attendant. The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second redneck.
"Sorry, it's three," said the attendant, "come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one redneck said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy, "My wife won four times last week."
It seems that the Anaheim Ducks on their way to a game got lost, and after many fruitless hours of searching down dirt roads in the dark, they came upon a farm house, and decided to ask to spend the night there.
The farmer told them he would be glad if they spent the night, but he said "I only have two spare rooms, some of you will have to stay in the barn. It's clean, dry, and warm, but I keep a cow and a pig in there." The Ducks, after discussing it among themselves and tossing a coin, decided that Boudreau would stay in one room, the forwards and goalies would stay in one room, and the defensemen would stay in the barn. So they all went to bed.
A short while later, there was a knock on the door. It was the defensemen. They said "There's a cow in there. He's mooing, urinating, defecating, passing gas, kicking the stall, and guys, we just can't do it. Besides, we hate cows." So the forwards and goalies said that they would stay in the barn, and they all went to bed.
A short while later, there was a knock on the door. It was the forwards and goalies. They said "There's a pig in there. He's oinking, urinating, defecating, passing gas, wallowing in the mud, and guys, we just can't do it. Besides, we hate pigs." So Boudreau said "You guys aren't men enough to take it. I'll stay in the barn." So they all went to bed.
A short while later, there was a knock on the door. . . It was the cow and the pig.
A woman came out of a meeting at a hotel; She desperately gave herself a personal TSA pat down, looking for her keys. They were not in her pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly she realized that she must have left them in the car. Frantically, she headed for the parking lot.
Her husband has scolded her many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
Her theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As she rushed through the door leading outside, she came to a terrifying conclusion. Her husband was right. The parking lot was empty.
She immediately called the police, giving them her location, and confessing that she had left her keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then she made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," she stammered, "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a period of silence. She thought the call had been dropped, but then heard his voice.
"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off!!!!"
Now it was her turn to be silent. Embarrassed, she said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."