December 3rd, 2012, 11:00 AM #81
Subject: State Mottos
This is cute............
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Where men are men, and half the girls are too.
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills.
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
( Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
First Of The Rectangle States
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Hookers and Poker!
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
At Least We're Not Michigan
Like The Play, But No Singing
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Cook With Coal
We're Not REALLY An Island
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender
Closer Than North Dakota
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.
Se Hable Ingles
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Too liberal for the Kennedys
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Where Our Governor & Legislature ignore our State Constitution
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Come Cut the Cheese!
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
(Home of Brokeback Mtn.)
The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!
December 4th, 2012, 08:01 PM #82
I heat my house with coal. Does that count?
December 5th, 2012, 08:20 AM #83
Henry was trying to help his son fly a kite in the backyard, but couldn't get it to stay in the air. His wife called from the back door, "Henry, you need more tail."
"I wish you'd make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite."
December 5th, 2012, 09:22 AM #84
From our chinese exchange student:
"My friend was talking about how he could never get a girl. I told him he should change his name to Christmas. He asked why and I told him everyone is always saying Marry Christmas"
December 7th, 2012, 10:17 AM #85
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at
the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins...
December 7th, 2012, 10:33 AM #86
December 7th, 2012, 10:40 AM #87
December 7th, 2012, 10:52 AM #88
Originally Posted by orpheus
December 8th, 2012, 02:38 PM #89
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Bullets are cheap. Life is priceless.
December 9th, 2012, 07:49 PM #90
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"