February 16th, 2012, 04:04 PM #1
Here's a paraphrase of a conversation I had today
Now, this was at work, in the course of my duties, so instead of boring you with product descriptions and engineering details, I've made a few subsitutions in the details discussed. Some of the langauge has also been colored up a tad, but the general concept here remains fairly true.
[CUSTOMER] Hi there, I need to inquire about price and delivery on a purple unicorn, please.
[ME] I'm sorry, I don't believe there's any such thing as a purple unicorn.
[CUSTOMER] I still need one, two, ah, five. Five purple unicorns.
[ME] Well, I have horses, zebras, and donkeys in stock, in a variety of colors. None of them are purple however, and I'm afraid unicorns themselves don't actually exist. If you want to get really exotic, I can special-order some onagers, or perhaps a nice kiang? We used to sell quaggas, but I'm afraid they're not made anymore.
[CUSTOMER] No, I don't need any of that, just the purple unicorns please.
[ME] Hmmm. Let me try this a different way. Unicorns are fictional animals. They are not real. They cannot be had for any price, as they have no corporeal reality. I cannot sell them to you, as they do not exist.
[CUSTOMER] Look, I have five purple unicorns spec'd in to my project here, so I just have to have them. No horses, no burros, no mules, it's right here in the spec, I have to have the unicorns. Just these. Please tell me the price.
[ME] Ten thousand dollars. Each.
[CUSTOMER] Really? That sounds like a lot.
[ME] No, stop, no, I'm kidding. That was a bad idea. Look, no, that's not the price. There is no price. There is no unicorn.
[CUSTOMER] Okay, well, I guess I have to keep looking. Thanks for your help.
Now, the thing that gets me is, eventually she'll find somebody who will slap a coat of paint and a broom handle on a jackass and sell it to her as a purple unicorn.
February 16th, 2012, 04:41 PM #2
Here is a call I got last night from a new prospective client.
I made about $45,000 last year, how much of a refund will I get.
February 16th, 2012, 05:27 PM #3
Thanks a lot for taking our conversation public. Just so you know, you competitor sold me 5 unicorns and threw in a free leprechaun as a bonus. *******.
February 16th, 2012, 05:33 PM #4
I had an 8th grader tell me yesterday that they didn't know what a scholarship was. That seemed kind of surprising to me since the school has an AVID program. But I guess if you don't have any brothers and sisters old enough that are applying for college it might not be something you know about.
February 16th, 2012, 06:14 PM #5
Silly, everyone knows unicorns are green.
February 16th, 2012, 07:13 PM #6
I operate a business that runs outdoor events. I understand that people can be concerned about weather, and I always thoroughly explain our policy about inclement weather and rescheduling events, but I had a conversation today that included this...
"I'd like to book you for March 31. Do you know what the weather's going to be like that day? Like, did you read the Farmer's Almanac? Are they accurate? I asked some people about it and they said that it's wrong a lot of times. What do you think? Do you think they're right?"
I think I'm going to regret this woman having my phone number.
February 16th, 2012, 07:50 PM #7
I would get a referral customer call me and ask me how much it would cost to build a deck, kitchen cabinets, bookshelves, crown molding, what ever. I'd say, well, I have to look at the job, and we need to talk about materials, ect. They'd say, well, can't you just give me a ball park answer? I'd say 10 million dollars. Long pause, then they'd say, ok, I think I'll shop around. Never heard from most of them again.
February 16th, 2012, 08:07 PM #8
In my retails days of selling doors and windows homeowners would always come in and ask for a "Standard Size" door. Please come back with your contractor.
February 16th, 2012, 10:09 PM #9
I BELIEVE I'll have another beer!
February 17th, 2012, 07:42 AM #10
Every single day. Every single moment. Every single time I listen to the radio on the way to work.
I feel like this is going to be the future of the world: