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  1. #281
    Kings season be like...
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    a man walks into a bar, sits down and asks about the wifi.

    bartender: you need to buy a drink first.

    man: ok. I'll have a beer.

    bartender: here you go. six dollars please.

    man pays up, takes a swig, then says: so, about the wifi?

    bartender: you need to buy a drink first. all lower case, no spaces.
    I BELIEVE I'll have another beer!

  2. #282
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    I go into a restaurant, sit down at a table and an attractive young red-haired waitress comes for my order. I give her a smile and says, "I want a quickie."

    She turns red in the face and ahems, "Sir, I don't know what kind of restaurant you're used to eating in, but I can assure you you're not going to get a quickie here!"

    "How disappointing," I replied. "Could you ask the chef to make an exception?"

    "He doesn't have anything to do with it!" says the waitress indignantly.

    "Hmmm," do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?"

    "I'm SURE I don't know," answers the waitress loudly.

    A patron from the next table leans over and taps me on the shoulder, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."

  3. #283
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    I'm going to rewrite a joke I did earlier...because I forgot two words...and will substitute another comedian (one that I mentioned was putting more people to sleep than NyQuil at the kettle) for Gallagher...



    Carrot Top was in the hospital today...

    They were holding a study on whether laughter really is the best medicine and they needed a placebo for the control group...

  4. #284
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    What is the difference between yogurt and New Jersey???

    Yogurt has an active living culture...

  5. #285
    Kings season be like...
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    Dave walks into a bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled on the bar ,depressed .Dave walks over and asks Jeff what’s wrong.

    ” Well ,” replies Jeff,” you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out ,but I got a hard on every time I saw her?”.

    “ Yes “, replies Dave with a smile .

    ” Well ,” says Jeff ,straightening up ,” I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out,and she agreed”.

    That’s Great !”. says Dave ,” When are you going out?”.

    ” I went to meet her this evening “, continues Jeff,” But I was worried I’d get a stiffy again. So I got some tape and taped my dick to my leg,so if I did it wouldn’t show”.

    “ Sensible “, Says Dave.”

    "So I get to her door”, says Jeff,” and I rang the doorbell. she answered it in the shortest skirt I have ever seen “.

    “ And What happened then?”.

    Jeff huddles over the bar again.” I Kicked Her In The Face “.
    I BELIEVE I'll have another beer!

  6. #286
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    What do Rob Blake...Derek Forbort and a clumsy flapjack cook have in common???

    They're all useless tossers...

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