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Thread: The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

  1. #301
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    Sometimes, Even After All These Years, I
    Wake Up And Look Over At My Wife
    Sleeping Peacefully Beside Me And Think,

    "MAN IS SHE LUCKY".

  2. #302
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    "Today, I learned the difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool"

  3. #303
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    If you were a used car dealer and saw Columbo pull up with his POS car...how much would you bribe him to park it on a competitor's lot???

  4. #304
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    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

    Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

    I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

    But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

    Love, your son, Joshua.

    P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
    "Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment." Harlan Ellison

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    This was among my operatic short courses that I've done over the years...

    I Pagliacci

    The prologue basically states that "all the events in this opera are real... The names have been changed to protect the innocent.."

    A clown troupe comes into town...and immediately the head clown gives everyone a headache beating a damn drum... He gives them information on the play for tonight and later states that he'll kill anyone messing around with his wife...

    Another clown from the troupe tries to mess with his wife...and she slaps him sillier than he already is... Later when he catches her with one of the townspeople...he tells the head clown who is not only putting on makeup...but obviously cutting onions for the meal because he's crying like mad...

    The play comes in and they're almost on track until the head clown hears a line that sets him off BIG TIME... It ends up with him killing his wife and her lover...

    The suspect (I. Pagliacci) has been found guilty of two counts of first degree murder and is now serving his sentence in a padded clown car...

  6. #306
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    A symphony orchestra was flying over Bermuda...

    They lost the triangle player...

  7. #307
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    When going to my Salvation Army kettle...I have to face a few detours due to a Santa Run... I usually heckle the first Santa I see...

    All I do is mention my top item from my list over the last 25 years...

    The phone numbers of all the female redheads on his naughty list between the ages of 18 and 25... I've been REAL good and STILL never saw that list...

  8. #308
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    A man got in an argument with his wife and walked out on her... He went to the bar...got in a fight with a bunch of bikers...stabbing two of them...got thrown out and arrested...

    The jury gave him 30 years on all charges...

    15 years later...he gets a note saying his wife died...

    He yelled "HOORAY!!! I'M FREE!!!"...

  9. #309
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    A man was on vacation at a swank Mexican resort... In the bar...he talked to one of the locals about politics...

    "I wish you could talk to my cousin Juan if you like politics... He made a campaign for city council... He make it... He made a campaign for President... he made it... He ran for the border...and he no make it..."

    "What happened to Juan???" asked the man.

    "Senor...it's a sad happening...the opposition...they shoot Juan with a golf gun," the local replied.

    "A golf gun???!!!! What is a golf gun????"

    "I donīt know... But they made a hole in Juan..."

  10. #310
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    An angry Scotsman sent a letter to the editor of a newspaper...

    "If you don't stop writing about Scotsman being so stingy...I'll stop stealing your paper!!!"

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