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Thread: The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

  1. #191
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    A Ducks fan goes in a police lineup for identification by a woman who was raped...

    He yelled and pointed..."THAT'S HER!!!"...

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    The Sedins looked out of the bus window... They were arrested for mooning...

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    This happened during my first year ringing at the Smith's and also happened to be one of perfect timing of a joke AND a flawless Jeff Foxworthy impersonation including that redneck dialect to boot...

    Inspection day was there and one of the baggers/cart retrievers asked the following question...

    "There's a dead pigeon in the parking lot... What should I do???"

    Without missing a beat I gave him the answer as Foxworthy would... "Notify the deli and tell 'em to far up the rotisserie..."

    I knew I was in trouble when I heard laughter behind me... It was one of the inspectors... He was in tears from laughing so hard... He took me aside and said "That was so wrong on so many levels...but it was funny as hell..." Then he put a $20 bill in my kettle...

    13 years later...neither will look at me without cracking up...and that bagger is now the produce manager...and the inspector announced to me that he will be retiring in March...

  4. #194
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    There were some nice things said about the wind yesterday at my kettle...

    If it blows any harder...it would be wearing a Corey Perry jersey...

    The same joke also applied by substituting Anaheim Ducks for Perry...an hour later...

    And a certain bell ringer we all know in love with this one...

    Got a fruitcake I can borrow so I can weigh down this stand???

  5. #195
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    I once reviewed a sneak peek of The Santa Clause 2...and this mother with her four year old son stole the show... That kid actually said out loud what I was thinking... I gladly put that kid's remark in my review as the headline...

    "Mommy...Is Santa REALLY that stupid???"

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    I think Santa is getting nastier by the year... Instead of coal (or toys)...he's leaving fruitcake to the kids on the naughty list...

    If he was really going to get even nastier...he would be giving them gift cards from Taco Bell...

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    Default Atop The Christmas Tree: The Legend Of the Angel

    At about the middle of one Christmas Season in the mid 1800, Santa was in the worst funk he had ever experienced. All the elves had the mumps, Mrs. Claus was having one of her migraines that had lasted for weeks, all the reindeer had contracted thrush in their hooves and the jolly old fat man was not too jolly and fat as he had not gotten used to his new false teeth and had hardly eaten all year.
    He was in the worst mood ever and was decided to cancel his Christmas eve ride. He consoled himself as he chewed on his pipe will sitting in his chair by the fire, when he heard a hard knock at the door. "come in he said". Nothing happened. After a few minutes there was another knock, louder than the first. "Come in" he bellowed, "the door is unlocked" Again, nothing happened and Santa is now getting pissed thinking that someone was messing with him. After several minutes more, hammering so loud that the door was shaken on its hinges came. As mad as he had ever been, Santa jumped up from his chair and stomped to the door and threw it open to the sight of a seven foot tall Christmas Tree held up by a tiny one foot tall Angel from below. With Santa sneering at the little angel, she looked up and asked. "So Santa, where do you want me to put this tree this year"?

  8. #198
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    Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.
    Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
    Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
    'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
    'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
    She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

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    One recent evening, Hayward and his two friends are talking at a bar.

    The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed."

    The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed."

    Hayward says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

    Both of his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

    "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed," says Hayward.

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    Two Ducks fans went deer hunting and shot a deer... The two hunters were dragging their dead deer by its hind legs back to their truck...

    Another hunter...a Kings fan...approached pulling his along too....

    “Hey...I don’t want to tell you how to do something…but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer the other way... This way the antlers won’t dig into the ground...”

    After the third hunter left...the two decided to try it...

    A little while later one hunter said to the other...“You know, that guy was right... This is a lot easier!!!”

    “Yeah...but we’re getting farther from the truck...” the other added...

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