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KickEm
June 24th, 2014, 07:27 AM
Looks like the original thread got wiped out during the cleanup, so here we go:


What to you say when you are comforting a Grammar Nazi?

There, their, they're.

KickEm
June 24th, 2014, 07:29 AM
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?

Beer.

mark1178
June 24th, 2014, 10:46 AM
Once upon a time, I slept with your mother.
Good night Timmy

TooCool
June 24th, 2014, 11:35 AM
Here's an old one.

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

TooCool
June 24th, 2014, 11:54 AM
A guy goes to his doctor and says,"Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

To The King!
June 24th, 2014, 07:29 PM
I was in a pub the other night. Had a few brews when I noticed two rather large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them chirped: “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!”
So, I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

KingInTheWest
June 24th, 2014, 08:42 PM
Looks like the original thread got wiped out during the cleanup, so here we go:


What to you say when you are comforting a Grammar Nazi?

There, their, they're.

It's their, they're, there.

orpheus
June 24th, 2014, 11:26 PM
After Jim finished converting to Judaism, the rabbi held out his hands over him and said three times, you are now a Jew.

A week later, the Rabbi saw Jim on a park bench stuffing himself with a bacon cheese burger, and gasped, telling him that as a Jew he isn't allowed to eat that.

"It's okay, Rabbi" said Jim. "Before I ate this burger, I held out my hands over it, and said three times, you are now kosher."

mhihi: :facepalm:

King Ludwig
June 25th, 2014, 12:09 AM
Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered.

The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends."

"Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."

King Ludwig
June 25th, 2014, 05:11 PM
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."

The man walked around the corner of the building. He was wearing a short-sleeved T-shirt, so he stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down. The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants to let the chicken stick its head out. The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

King Ludwig
June 29th, 2014, 01:52 AM
A sexy, well-endowed redhead was in an embarrassing situation, for her arms were filled with packages and she was wearing a dress too tight to allow her to step up into the bus. A crowd pressed from behind, and so she reached back, unobserved she hoped, and pulled down the zipper at the back of her dress. It didn't seem to work, so she reached again for the zipper and additional freedom, but again it was no use.

Then from out of the crowd, I picked her up and deposited her gently inside the bus.

"What right have you to pick me up like that?" she gasped. "Why I don't even know you."

"Well," I said, "after you pulled my zipper down the second time, I began to feel as though we were pretty good friends."

ucsdguy1
June 30th, 2014, 08:26 AM
A neighbor heard the farmer to his left screaming in joy. He ran over to see the cause.

"I did it" the farmer proclaimed. "I finally finished this jigsaw puzzle and it only took me 6 1/2 weeks!"

"Is that good?" asked the neighbor.

"It must be" said the farmer. "On the box it says 2-4 years."

King Ludwig
July 1st, 2014, 03:52 PM
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Bogey
July 2nd, 2014, 07:27 PM
What condiment is also a declaration to your sweetheart that you have to use the restroom?

orpheus
July 3rd, 2014, 01:33 AM
Mrs. Harris asks her students to come up with a sentence using the word "fascinate." Sally says, "Disneyland is fascinating."

"No," the teacher said. "I said fascinate."

Mary then tries by saying, "There is so much fascination with people when it comes to wild life."

Again, Mrs. Harris says, "No. The word is fascinate."

Billy then yells out, "My mom's boobs are so big she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her blouse!"

King Ludwig
July 3rd, 2014, 09:16 AM
Why is Dolly Parton's waist so small?

Nothing grows in the shade!

orpheus
July 3rd, 2014, 10:38 PM
John: I like salmon, baked or fried.

Bill: What do you like, sober?

King Ludwig
July 4th, 2014, 12:59 PM
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied - "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

ucsdguy1
July 7th, 2014, 11:23 AM
what's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

you can unscrew a light bulb.



(credit - My Blue Heaven)

King Ludwig
July 8th, 2014, 02:45 AM
A redhead rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, looked her up and down for a second, smiled and said, "Not bad."

TooCool
July 9th, 2014, 09:13 AM
What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

TooCool
July 9th, 2014, 09:28 AM
A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. ''Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives,'' she spoke wisely. ''I agree completely, ma'am,'' the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. ''This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.'' ''That's a great idea, miss,'' the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. ''I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?'' ''No, thanks,'' came the reply. ''I'll just wait on the cops to get here.''

----------------------------------------

A man got a call from his doctor who said "I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?"
The man says "The bad news."
The doctor says "The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!"
The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than that!!??"
The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!"

King Ludwig
July 9th, 2014, 11:30 AM
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Razzilla, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr. Razzilla, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the girl you need. Say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Razzilla, "I have two redheaded sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."

King Ludwig
July 15th, 2014, 09:53 AM
What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got pissed.

ucsdguy1
July 15th, 2014, 03:19 PM
Why did Mickey divorce Minnie?

Because she was f******* goofy

empire
July 15th, 2014, 06:24 PM
Pirate walks into a bar

Barman:...long time no see Capt'n. wasup, you look awful..

Pirate: I,m fine, feeling good.

Barman: Well, what happened to your leg.

Pirate: Was is in a canon fight, took my leg off but got it fixed, it's all fixed fine.

Barman: So where's your hand...

Pirate: Ahh, boarded this ship and there was a hell of a sword fight so it got cut off but it's all fixed fine..

Barman: So what happened to your eeeeeye..

Pirate: One day we was way out to sea and this massive flock of birds flew over. I was looking up at them when one pooped in my eye.

Barman: You mean you lost your eye because of bird poo.

Pirate: Arrrrg was my first day with the hook.

King Ludwig
July 16th, 2014, 02:47 PM
Yesterday I went to get a few items at the store and on the bus there was a Kings fan and a Ducks fan arguing... When they finally stopped I said dryly to the Kings fan..."Funny... The Ducks never have a second Cup at home..."...

The driver finally realized what I said and started laughing so hard I thought he was going to lose control of the bus...

!Kings!
July 16th, 2014, 04:50 PM
What did the cannibal do after he ate his girlfriend?


























He dumped her.

latka
July 16th, 2014, 05:29 PM
What did the cannibal get when he was late to dinner?

The cold shoulder.

latka
July 16th, 2014, 05:31 PM
Hear about the cannibal who ate his mother-in-law? She still didn?t agree with him.

jccawdrey
July 16th, 2014, 05:33 PM
It was so cold in the mountains last week, I saw two teenaged boys with their pants pulled up

King Ludwig
July 16th, 2014, 06:33 PM
My sister-in-law passed a cop like he wasn't even moving... Eventually...she gets pulled over...

"Miss...did you know you were going 80??? I'm afraid that I'm going to have to write you a ticket..."

"Please write that down.. The guy I'm trying to sell this car to doesn't believe it will go over 40..."

KickEm
July 16th, 2014, 11:23 PM
Yesterday I went to get a few items at the store and on the bus there was a Kings fan and a Ducks fan arguing... When they finally stopped I said dryly to the Kings fan..."Funny... The Ducks never have a second Cup at home..."...

The driver finally realized what I said and started laughing so hard I thought he was going to lose control of the bus...

Took kme a sec as well. Too damned funny!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKGsjtRoMck

BeerMan
July 17th, 2014, 07:39 PM
didja hear about the movie called Constipation?

no? right, because it hasn't come out yet.

To The King!
July 17th, 2014, 09:56 PM
Following the death of Quasimodo, the Archbishop went looking for a new bellringer. That evening an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop, declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."

To The King!
July 17th, 2014, 10:08 PM
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your F'n brother won't let me in without a tie!"

King Ludwig
July 17th, 2014, 10:44 PM
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

notbob
July 18th, 2014, 02:50 PM
What's the difference between a chickpea and lentil?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face...

King Ludwig
July 18th, 2014, 07:23 PM
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup???

Anyone can roast beef...

empire
July 19th, 2014, 03:38 PM
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

That reminds me of the purchase order that NASA got from the Polish Gov. for 100 shuttles.

They just loved the idea that the top doors opened so they could just stand there and throw out the bombs as needed...

King Ludwig
August 19th, 2014, 12:18 AM
Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "189."

"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The lady answers, "143."

"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "38."

Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the guy who wants Rob Blake's jersey retired!"

King Ludwig
August 20th, 2014, 01:15 PM
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."

King Ludwig
August 21st, 2014, 03:29 PM
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu, called himself "Buck."

Chu called himself "Chuck."

"Fu" decided to return to China...

King Ludwig
August 23rd, 2014, 09:21 AM
Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."

Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop and was trying to catch up with me to give her back!"

KFI
August 23rd, 2014, 08:50 PM
WTF is an acronym?

King Ludwig
August 24th, 2014, 12:13 AM
You know your team is doing bad when a Salvation Army bell ringer offers YOU his kettle...

(And WHY did it have to be Steve Ott's father-in-law when I did it last year???)

JWR
August 24th, 2014, 09:48 AM
A married man is approaching his 25 year annivery and because he loves his wife very much, he tells her he will take her for a vacation anywhere in the world. So she tells him she would like to go to Israel; always wanted to see the holy land. So the husband says OK, and then she says, "but we need to take my mother along with us."

The husband has never liked or gotten along with his MIL, but, as I said, he loves his wife very much, so he acquieses. So all three of them go to Israel and are having a lovely time seeing all the sites until the mother all of a sudden collapses from heart failure and despite thd Isareli doctors' best efforts, she dies.

So the hospital tells him they can make arrangements with an funeral home to have the MIL buried in Israel, at a cost of $500. Or, arrangements could be made to have the body shipped hom to America, and by the time all the fees are paid, it would be about $5,000. The husband says, "I'd rather have her buried in America."

"Wait", the hospital rep says, "You'd rather go to the expense of shipping your MIL home when you could bury her here for far less money? Why is that?"

The husband replies, "Well, you see, a while back you had a guy who died, was buried, but came back to life after 3 days, and I don't want to take any chances!"

JWR
August 24th, 2014, 09:50 AM
Pregnancy is when she takes seriously something poked in fun.

King Ludwig
August 25th, 2014, 11:00 AM
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

King Ludwig
August 25th, 2014, 11:46 AM
I was shopping for a Christmas present for my niece and decided to get her a doll...

I picked up one with red hair...held her and squeezed her until she cried out "MAMA!"...

I picked up a second one with red hair...held her and squeezed her until she cried out "DADDY!"...

I picked up a third one with red hair...held her and squeezed her until she cried out "SECURITY!!!"...

King Ludwig
August 26th, 2014, 01:38 PM
A dude calls 911...

Dude: "I think my wife is dead"

Dispatcher: "God that's terrible news sir, but what make you think she's dead"

Dude: "Well I don't know....the sex is the same...but....the ironing is starting to pile up".

King Ludwig
August 29th, 2014, 08:26 PM
The board members of a catsup company were wowed by their new billboard. It showed a smart husbandly type seated before a delectable steak in a smart restaurant. A pretty young waitress was handing him a bottle of catsup.

They decided the title, ?What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don?t?? was too suggestive, so they changed it to ?He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home??

TooCool
September 4th, 2014, 04:09 PM
Teacher: Jimmy, if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Jimmy: Seven.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Jimmy: Seven.

Teacher: Okay... let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Jimmy: Six.

Teacher: Good. So let's try this again. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Jimmy: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the hell are you getting seven from?!?!?

Jimmy: Because I have one at home!!!

King Ludwig
September 4th, 2014, 11:33 PM
A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!"

"I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?"

King Ludwig
September 8th, 2014, 10:51 AM
It's nearly Christmas and I've never seen so many shopping bags... There were some pretty girls too...

King Ludwig
September 17th, 2014, 03:02 AM
This happened during my first year with the kettles...and it wasn't at the Smith's I normally ring at...but my first (and final) year on the Strip (except for that one day of troubleshooting duties I had to do the following year and that cured me of the Strip for good)...

There were six mounted policemen on horseback going past my kettle... I took a drink of water at the same time this sadistic little kid (about four or five years old) yelled out...

"MOMMY!!! WHY ARE THERE 12 ASSES ON THOSE HORSES???"

The water shot straight out of my nose and almost got the kid... I also had to turn my back to avoid having those policemen seeing me cracking up after nearly choking on the water... For the next hour and a half I was trying to concentrate on the kettle instead of that stupid kid...and was failing miserably...

Kaos
September 20th, 2014, 02:46 AM
Thank you, meatloaf, for being only a slightly more appetizing name than "protein wad." -Jimmy Fallon

To The King!
September 22nd, 2014, 09:36 AM
Q: What's black, and sits at the top of the stairs?







A: Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

King Ludwig
September 22nd, 2014, 04:26 PM
The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.. The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks.. Ten men down, and the piper plays on... Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out. Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can ye not play something they like?"

King Ludwig
September 27th, 2014, 02:12 AM
An elderly man had a stroke and his family drove him to the emergency room...

After a while a surgeon comes out wearing a long face... "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain dead...but his heart is still beating..."

"Oh...Dear God..." cried his wife... "We never had a Ducks fan in the family before..."

King Ludwig
October 6th, 2014, 05:56 PM
Bruce goes to court stating that he wants to change his name because the San Jose Sharks are giving him a bad name... The Judge agreed... He's new legal name is Bruce the Rubber King...

http://www.joblo.com/images_arrownews/JawsLame.jpg

King Ludwig
October 15th, 2014, 09:19 PM
This happened two kettle seasons ago...

One of Las Vegas Metro's finest locked himself out of his cruiser while I was manning my kettle... I was doing everything possible to not crack up at the situation...but I was making several of them at that poor cop's expense... I remember telling one of my regulars that we also take wire coat hangers in case some idiot locks themselves out of their car (as I was pointing in the cop's direction)...

I lost it when the fire department showed up (for lunch) and one went back to get the slim jim to work on the car... After ten minutes of failed attempts the fireman yelled "USE YOUR GUN!!!"...

King Ludwig
November 1st, 2014, 02:13 AM
I just got back from Smith's (on the West side of town) and just happened to get 6 cartons of eggs (18 count)... The checker was surprised to see me buying eggs in this bulk and asked me if it was the price that got me to buying so many...

I said "No... I'm mad at a neighbor because he wouldn't give me any candy..."

Before I had the chance to wink at the cashier...three girls came to the line...heard what I said and were laughing their heads off... A guard (that I didn't think was within hearing distance) spit out his coffee at the remark and wouldn't look me in the eye afterwards...

The cashier knew me from the Hualapai Smith's... She said..."I'm going to miss you this year...but I'll go out of my way just to put something in your kettle for cheering me up tonight..."

Hipcheck
November 1st, 2014, 08:03 AM
Two Jews are walking down the street and come by a Catholic Church. There is a sign on the church that says "Convert to Catholicism and we will pay you $20." The Jews look at each and figure its easy money so walk into the church to convert.

30 minutes later they both walk out of the church $20 dollars richer. The first jew says to the second "Well that was an easy $20 Bucks." The second looks at him and says "is that all you people ever think about?"

roenick
November 7th, 2014, 08:00 AM
An Army Helo pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,
“Is your date running late?”

"No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch,
and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch?
What’s so special about it?”

The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The helo pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”

mrm55
November 21st, 2014, 03:39 PM
Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama?s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.

Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I?m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Damn, let's have another look at the dog!"

King Ludwig
December 1st, 2014, 07:21 PM
A couple came to my kettle Saturday...and the wife thanked THE Salvation Army for saving her family...

The husband had second thoughts...

"I know I'm going to get killed for saying this... Too bad THE Salvation Army saved HER!!!"...

latka
December 5th, 2014, 06:09 PM
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.


She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."


"I know," she replied, and I'm gonna grow big tits too...

BeerMan
December 6th, 2014, 09:35 PM
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

jccawdrey
December 7th, 2014, 02:15 PM
Do you know why Kansas City doesn't have a professional hockey team ??? Then St Louis would want one too

Hkyfmly
December 11th, 2014, 03:25 PM
A man wants to lose weight. He sees an add “lose 10 pounds in a week for $50.00” He calls the number and is told the weight loss expert will be there the next day in the morning. The next morning the doorbell rings and there is a very attractive woman in a very skimpy jogging outfit. Hi my name is susan an dif you can catch me you can have me. Then she starts tor un. Sure enough at the end of a week of chasing her each day he has lost 10 pounds. After the week the company offered to him to lose 20 pounds in a week for $100.00. He agreed and the next morning at his door was very beautiful woman in an even skimpier outfit. She said hi my name is Rose and if you can catch me you can have me. And off she ran sure enough after a week of chasing her he lost 20 pounds. The company offers him their extreme weight loss program, lose 50 pound sin a week for $500.00 the man agrees. The next morning his doorbell rings he opens it and there is a huge man 6’6” and 250 ponds all muscle. Hi my name is Bruce and if I catch you I get you. Sure enough he lost 50 pounds that week.

orpheus
December 17th, 2014, 02:47 AM
It was Hanukkah in a small village and people were worried that they could not make enough latkes since they had run out of flour. So they called the Rabbi, Rudi, to ask for advice regarding the problem, and he said, "Don't worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as good."

Sarah looks at her husband, and asks, "David, do you think this will work?"

"Of course," David replies, 'Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear."

Bogey
January 11th, 2015, 06:09 AM
What do you call the area around which a clock wears its belt?

A waist of time.

TooCool
February 10th, 2015, 10:21 AM
The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid.
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

TooCool
February 10th, 2015, 10:34 AM
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

vindogla
February 11th, 2015, 05:47 PM
A man goes to the doctor complaining about his private part, which has started to turn orange. The doctor asks if he has been doing anything different than usual? The man replies that no, he pretty much does the same thing every day: Sit around, watch TV, and eat Cheetos.

King Ludwig
February 18th, 2015, 07:59 PM
On Johnny's first day of 1st grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in 3rd grade!" The teacher looked at Johnny's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when Johnny stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in 3rd grade!"

Johnny did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Johnny's problem. The principal and the 1st grade teacher told Johnny that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Johnny knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... "What does a cow have four of but a woman only has two?" asked the teacher.

"Legs!" Johnny immediately replied.

"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.

"Pockets!" said Johnny.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in 3rd grade, I missed those last two questions!"

King Ludwig
June 7th, 2015, 09:53 AM
A Kings fan had just got out of hospital from a sex-change operation and (s)he was talking to the people (s)he knew before (s)he became a woman.

"Did it hurt?"

"No, not really, only the last bit."

"Was that when they cut it off?"

"No, that didn't hurt, it was the last bit."

"Was that when they put the silicone bags in your chest?"

"No, it was just the last bit that hurt."

"Well what was the last bit?"

"You know, the bit where they take half your brains out and make you root for the Ducks. That was agony!"

latka
June 13th, 2015, 04:57 PM
One Monday morning the mailman was driving through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine, and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o?clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Mailman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

?Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The mailman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'your name came up 7 times.'

orpheus
July 6th, 2015, 04:19 AM
I went to visit my cousin the other day and there was a bunch of roaches all over the place. And I asked him, how can you live like this?


And he told me, "Sorry! But whenever I smoke a joint, I forget to throw the rest away." mhihi: :smoke:

King Ludwig
July 29th, 2015, 06:10 AM
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Pepsi!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"If you guys won't drink beer, neither will I."

orpheus
August 3rd, 2015, 09:49 PM
At a biker bar, a biker was sitting down having a drink when a drunken man came in and ordered a drink. He then started a conversation with the biker and started to taunt him. He told him that just a few hours ago he had seen the biker's grandmother naked and she was hot. He then told him that he had slept with her and she was one nasty woman in bed.

The other bikers in the bar gasped because that biker was a tough guy who fights at the drop of a hat. But the drunken man kept on talking about the biker's grandmother.

Finally, the biker gets mad and stands up, and says, "Dammit Granddad! You're drunk! Go home and stop embarrassing yourself!"

King Ludwig
September 5th, 2015, 11:28 AM
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service of a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper?s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and didn?t stop for directions. I finally arrived, but an hour late. I saw the funeral guy had evidently left, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. Not knowing what else to do, I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I poured my heart and soul into the tribute for this man with no family or friends, and I played like I?d never played before!

As I started played ?Amazing Grace,? the workers began to weep. We all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Although my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, ?I never seen nothing like that before, and I?ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.?

King Ludwig
September 9th, 2015, 03:18 AM
A man went to the airport to pick up his tickets...along with his nagging wife and mother-in-law... When he reached the ticket booth he asked the clerk..."Can you send one of my bags to New York and the other to Tampa???"...

The clerk said..."I don't think they'll like it one bit..."...

Bill Hicks
September 14th, 2015, 10:46 PM
How do you get a one armed Polish guy down from a tree ?
















Wave to him.

King Ludwig
September 20th, 2015, 11:36 AM
Did you hear that the 7-Eleven convenience store chain is going to buy the Rams???

They're going to rename them 0 and 11...

jccawdrey
September 21st, 2015, 02:35 PM
Now see I had heard they were going to be purchased by some one in the Phillipines Islands. He was going to name them the Manila Folders

JETS GARAGE
September 21st, 2015, 04:11 PM
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

King Ludwig
September 22nd, 2015, 05:21 AM
In honor of Ryan Clowe's NHL retirement...



After the Clowe incident, I heard one of my fellow Kings fan brethren state that ?I?m ending it all as soon as I can?. I thought that he was going to do himself in and not what he actually did. He changed his last name from Clowe to King at around 10:15 this morning.

He told Judge Brown ?I don?t want my last name associated with that San Jose Sharks clown any longer?.

The judge smiled and after it was all over took Mr. King aside and told him ?I can understand where you?re coming from, my friend. My last name used to be Avery.?

King Ludwig
September 22nd, 2015, 05:39 AM
How do you stop a bunch of Ducks fans on horseback?


Turn off the carousel.

orpheus
September 22nd, 2015, 06:36 AM
A priest and rabbi are discussing their religions along with the plus and cons. As such, their discussion leads to the theme of atonement. The priest says that in his religion, it is required to observe Lent which is 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins. The Rabbi, then explains that in his religion they have, Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, which is a day of fasting and penitence. From then on they begin to discuss the pros and cons of each practice, and then the Rabbi laughs, and says, "40 Days of Lent to 1 Day of Yom Kippur! Even when it comes to sin, us Jews won't pay retail!"

jccawdrey
September 22nd, 2015, 12:49 PM
How do you stop a bunch of Ducks fans on horseback?


Turn off the carousel. Or don't put anymore quarters in the ride in front of the store

King Ludwig
October 10th, 2015, 11:35 AM
After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn’t bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

“We just can’t wake her. It doesn’t look good I’m afraid,” the doctor told Ralph in a somber voice.

Ralph said "Let's turn on the TV. We're big Kings fans and let's hope for the best."

The Kings/Coytes game was on and the Kings were trailing 3-0.

She walked up to the TV and turned it off.

King Ludwig
October 10th, 2015, 12:38 PM
I think this was the final straw on me wearing the Salvation Army aprons at the kettle.

This was about four kettle seasons ago when one of Metro's finest had a rookie with him... I remember the officer telling the rookie...'Don't mess with this guy...I've dealt with him before."...

There I was...with bells in hand...wearing an apron that reads I AM A BELL RINGER...and pacing near a red kettle...

The rookie came right up and (I kid you not) asked me "Are YOU a bell ringer???"...

I said (without blinking an eye)..."NOPE!!! INTERNATIONAL JEWEL THIEF and this kettle's my cover!!!"...

The senior cop was laughing so hard that I thought he was going to bust a rib... He was still laughing when took the rookie aside and said..."I TOLD YOU not to mess with him!!!"...

skulllead
October 13th, 2015, 11:07 AM
I think this was the final straw on me wearing the Salvation Army aprons at the kettle.

This was about four kettle seasons ago when one of Metro's finest had a rookie with him... I remember the officer telling the rookie...'Don't mess with this guy...I've dealt with him before."...

There I was...with bells in hand...wearing an apron that reads I AM A BELL RINGER...and pacing near a red kettle...

The rookie came right up and (I kid you not) asked me "Are YOU a bell ringer???"...

I said (without blinking an eye)..."NOPE!!! INTERNATIONAL JEWEL THIEF and this kettle's my cover!!!"...

The senior cop was laughing so hard that I thought he was going to bust a rib... He was still laughing when took the rookie aside and said..."I TOLD YOU not to mess with him!!!"...

"here's your sign..."

JWR
October 16th, 2015, 04:11 PM
can't remember which late night host had this one.

"Today California Governor Jerry Brown signed into law the Assisted Suicide bill just in time for the new Laker Season"

JETS GARAGE
October 16th, 2015, 04:55 PM
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem,
so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.
One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised.
She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

roenick
October 16th, 2015, 09:08 PM
can't remember which late night host had this one.

"Today California Governor Jerry Brown signed into law the Assisted Suicide bill just in time for the new Laker Season"

The really funny thing is that used to be a Clipper joke!

King Ludwig
January 19th, 2016, 12:03 AM
I approached a priest with a huge grin...

?Forgive me...Father...for I have sinned...? I said... ?I?ve spent the week with seven beautiful redheads...?

?Do not fret...my son...? says the priest... ?All you need to do is take seven lemons...squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice...?

?Will that cleanse me of my sin????

?No...but it will wipe that stupid smile off your face...?

JETS GARAGE
January 19th, 2016, 02:34 PM
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician.”

King Ludwig
February 7th, 2016, 02:11 PM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist?s office.

The man said to the dentist, ?Doc, I?m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic. I don?t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it?s 9:30 already. I don?t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!?

The dentist thought to himself, ?My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.?

So the dentist asked him, ?Which tooth is it sir??

The man turned to his wife and said, ?Open your mouth, honey, and show him the one that hurts ??

JETS GARAGE
February 9th, 2016, 04:40 PM
Eileen and her husband John went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her bosom and massaged thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to John and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?’

John thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

King Ludwig
February 20th, 2016, 09:05 AM
The creator of the largest jigsaw puzzle just got divorced... She found out that he had a piece on the side...

BeerMan
February 21st, 2016, 09:44 PM
A secretary in my office just sent me an email saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyouplea segivemeanalternative"

What does "ternative" mean?

Bill Hicks
February 21st, 2016, 11:24 PM
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

Bill Hicks
February 21st, 2016, 11:31 PM
A boy walks in on his mom and dad having sex so he asks, "What are you doing ?"
His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!"
The boy says, "Do her doggy style I want a puppy."

King Ludwig
March 7th, 2016, 04:47 AM
I walked into a sports bar around 9:45 PM.

I sat down next to a Ducks fan at the bar and stared up at the TV just as the 10:00 o'clock news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story about a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a building downtown.

The Ducks fan looked at me and said, ?Do you think he?ll jump??

I said, ?You know, I bet he?ll jump.?

The Ducks fan replied, ?Well, I bet he won?t.?

I placed a $50 bill on the bar and said, ?You?re on!?

Just as the Ducks fan placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The Ducks fan was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to me saying, ?Fair?s fair. Here?s your money.?

I replied, ?I can?t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news so I already knew he would jump.?

The Ducks fan replied, ?I saw it too, but I never thought he?d do it again.?

I took the money.

JETS GARAGE
March 10th, 2016, 04:04 PM
A woman notices that her dog has an ear infection so she goes to the vet. He says that the dog has ingrown hairs that are irritating him and suggests she get a hair removal cream from a chemist across town and rub it into his ears.
After traveling to him, the chemists asks "Is it for your legs?" "No" she says..."Is it for your arms?" "No" she says..."What's it for then?" She says "It's for my Schnauzer" " Oh, OK" says the chemist "but don't ride your bike for two weeks. "

King Ludwig
March 26th, 2016, 05:14 PM
What does alligator taste like???

Whatever it ate last...

King Ludwig
March 30th, 2016, 07:34 PM
A Kings fan, a Ducks fan, and Reba McEntire are sitting together in a train traveling to San Antonio when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. Suddenly, there's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train comes out of the tunnel, Reba and the Kings fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Ducks fan is holding his slapped face. The Ducks fan is thinking, "That Kings fan must have kissed Reba and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead.

"Reba is thinking, "That Ducks fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Kings fan, and got slapped for it.

"And the Kings fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that stinking Ducks fan again."

JETS GARAGE
April 27th, 2016, 02:43 PM
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.”

“Wow! That's a great idea!”., he exclaimed.

“Good”, she replied, “Get your own ****ing blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

mrm55
April 28th, 2016, 12:03 PM
When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day?s headline would scream ?Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.?

?I?m not from this town,? said the hero.

?Then,? the reporter said, ?it will say ?Alabama Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.??

?Actually,? said the man, ?I?m from New Hampshire.?

?In that case,? the reporter grumbled, ?the headline will be ?Yankee Kills Family Pet.??

mrm55
April 28th, 2016, 12:52 PM
How do you know when you’re staying in a Mississippi hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”

King Ludwig
May 18th, 2016, 09:07 AM
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time that week and found the boss waiting for him.

?What?s the story this time, Jones?? he asked sarcastically. ?Let?s hear a good excuse for a change.?

Jones sighed, ?Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river ? look, my suit?s still damp ? ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson?s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.?

?You?ll have to do better than that, Jones,? said the boss, obviously disappointed. ?No woman can get ready in ten minutes.?

RockPile
August 11th, 2016, 08:50 AM
Two cannibals are eating a guy. The first cannibal started at the head while the second started at his feet. After a few minutes the first cannibal asks 'How do you like it?' The second replies, 'Oh, I'm having a ball!'. The first cannibal shouts, 'Slow down dammit! You're eating too fast!'

King Ludwig
August 11th, 2016, 09:20 AM
You know you're a bad cook when...

Every attempt at Jell-O turns out to be a flambe...
Flies chip in to fix the holes in your screens...
Cockroaches picket you for unfair treatment...
The smoke alarm goes off every time you boil water...
Not to mention a three inch hole in the bottom of the pan you cooked it in...

I won't mention who it is...but if there is anyone still alive that did all the above...I'd feel sorry for them...

jccawdrey
August 12th, 2016, 03:44 PM
An avid golfer gets up very early in the winter and gets ready to go. When he gets outside it is REALLY cold. Wind and drizzle so bad that even he decides this isn't worth it.
He goes back into the house and quietly get undressed and slides into bed along side his wife.
He roles over close to her and puts his arm around her hoping to start some action. She's still half asleep and says, "can you believe my idiot husband is out there playing golf..."

KingInTheWest
August 12th, 2016, 10:41 PM
In honor of the Oympics, here is a really old Polish joke that I will make a Russian joke because I went to Poland last year and they were cool except for this awful cheese they tried to feed us.

Why did the Russian swimmer finish last in the breaststroke?

The other women used their hands.

King Ludwig
August 17th, 2016, 10:18 AM
A woman from a small southern town goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The newspaper editor informs her the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word. She pauses, reflects and then says, ?Well, then, just let it read, ?Billy Bob died.'?

Amused at the woman?s thrift, the editor says, ?Sorry ma?am but there?s a seven-word minimum on all obituaries.?

A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, ?In that case, let it read: ?Billy Bob died ? red truck for sale.'?

TooCool
September 19th, 2016, 10:22 AM
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the south?

If it was invented in the north, it would have been called a teethbrush.

orpheus
September 19th, 2016, 10:39 AM
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the south?

If it was invented in the north, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Ain't that the tooth! :rimshot:

jammer06
September 19th, 2016, 11:06 AM
There was once a wandering Rabbi making his way deep through the jungle. One day he came upon a native tribe and after a few stops and starts found them to be a peaceful people and after a time they managed enough communication that he learned some of their people. The Trids as he learned they were called lived in flimsy huts that were easily broken down and in talking with the elders he asked why this was so. The elders explained that the Trids had been forced to become something of a nomadic people as they had been pursued throughout memory by a terrible monster who would rampage through their village whenever he found them. The Rabbi was saddened to hear this and promised to help in any way he could. Just then there was a terrible uproar and they knew the monster had come. The Rabbi being a brave man ran from the hut to confront this giant long legged monster that seemed to have feet the length of huge duggout canoes. The monster was using these weapons to great advantage kicking over the huts, booting the tribesman and women and causing general mayhem. The Rabbi ran straight up to the monster to confront him saying "Take me instead" but the monster only stared at him and turned around and continued rampaging in another direction. Again the Rabbi confronted the monster saying "take me instead" and again the monster stopped stared and turned. The third time the Rabbi confronted the monster saying "take me instead!" The monster stopped and in perfect english replied, "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids"

King Ludwig
September 19th, 2016, 11:16 AM
Casualties in opera

Dying at the top of your lungs of TB (and in the case of Manon of VD)...
Killer clown on mass murder spree...
Several stabbings...
Mad Cow Disease...
Horsing around on a funeral pyre...
Micky Finns gone wrong...

Heck...perhaps there should be a ten day waiting period on opera glasses...

orpheus
September 19th, 2016, 11:34 AM
Haha. Good one Jammer. Jewish jokes are funny.


So....

This fellow was on a train and some woman across him caught his eye. He looked at her for a bit, and asked her, "Are you Jewish?"

She, looked at him, and "Said. Not that I know of. No."

Five minutes later, he asked, her, "Seriously, are you sure that you're not Jewish."

And she said, "No. I am sure."

And five minutes later, he asked the same question and she figured just to shut him up, she said, "Ok. You got me, I am Jewish."

"Funny," the man said. "You don't look Jewish."

:rimshot: mhihi::fpalm:

TooCool
September 19th, 2016, 12:39 PM
Haha. Good one Jammer. Jewish jokes are funny.


So....

This fellow was on a train and some woman across him caught his eye. He looked at her for a bit, and asked her, "Are you Jewish?"

She, looked at him, and "Said. Not that I know of. No."

Five minutes later, he asked, her, "Seriously, are you sure that you're not Jewish."

And she said, "No. I am sure."

And five minutes later, he asked the same question and she figured just to shut him up, she said, "Ok. You got me, I am Jewish."

"Funny," the man said. "You don't look Jewish."

:rimshot: mhihi::fpalm:

:lol: For a second there I thought it was gonna be a blonde joke.

ucsdguy1
October 7th, 2016, 10:07 AM
What does Pinocchio's girlfriend say to him during sex?

Lie to me.

King Ludwig
October 28th, 2016, 05:49 PM
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.

One day, while pointing to little Johnny?s ear, the doctor asked him, ?Is this your nose??

Johnny turned to his mother and said, ?Mom, I think we better find a new doctor!?

mrm55
November 14th, 2016, 05:52 PM
The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President of the United States.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father and asks, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young as she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee."

"Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will pick you up at your door," she said.

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"OH, Dad," she replied, "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best designers in N.Y."

"Honey, Dad complained, "You know we can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. And I'll ensure your meals.

So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on Jan. 20, 2024 arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States. The parents of the new President are seated in the front row.

The President's dad sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, "You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?

"The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes, sir, I sure do."

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football for USC."

King Ludwig
November 14th, 2016, 11:21 PM
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

?Aren?t you going to have a drink yourself?? asked the doctor.

?Sure, after the police leave,? replied the attorney.

King Ludwig
November 14th, 2016, 11:26 PM
Every night in Anaheim CA a couple of Ducks fans are kept awake by the barking of their next-door neighbor?s dog.

Finally, the husband has had enough and jumps out of bed.

?I?m going to teach them a lesson.?

He runs downstairs and returns five minutes later.

?What did you do?? asks his wife.

?I put their dog in our backyard,? replies the man. ?Let?s see how they like it!?

King Ludwig
November 28th, 2016, 07:23 PM
This might not be covered by bell ringer orientation for THE Salvation Army...but it COULD be implied...

If you see anyone wearing a Canucks or Coyotes jersey...DON'T lift the kettle up and say "Here...you guys need this more than we do..."

notbob
December 9th, 2016, 10:16 AM
https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2016-12/1/18/asset/buzzfeed-prod-fastlane03/sub-buzz-10381-1480633246-11.png?no-auto

notbob
December 9th, 2016, 10:17 AM
https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2016-12/5/14/asset/buzzfeed-prod-fastlane02/sub-buzz-3899-1480965097-3.jpg?no-auto

King Ludwig
December 9th, 2016, 10:30 PM
Here we are... It's nearly Christmas and I've never seen so many shopping bags...

I've seen some pretty girls too...

Hipcheck
December 12th, 2016, 10:10 PM
Haha. Good one Jammer. Jewish jokes are funny.


So....

This fellow was on a train and some woman across him caught his eye. He looked at her for a bit, and asked her, "Are you Jewish?"

She, looked at him, and "Said. Not that I know of. No."

Five minutes later, he asked, her, "Seriously, are you sure that you're not Jewish."

And she said, "No. I am sure."

And five minutes later, he asked the same question and she figured just to shut him up, she said, "Ok. You got me, I am Jewish."

"Funny," the man said. "You don't look Jewish."

:rimshot: mhihi::fpalm:


This joke made me and my youngest son laugh out loud. Gracias for posting.

JETS GARAGE
December 14th, 2016, 05:15 PM
https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/15400487_10209855653101815_1690019634892888864_n.j pg?oh=0c767cb3540248d14388f71408c68745&oe=58AEAF40

King Ludwig
December 14th, 2016, 07:19 PM
Santa got arrested for pimping on the Las Vegas Strip...

He kept pointing at the girls yelling "HO HO HO!!!"...

orpheus
December 15th, 2016, 12:17 AM
At this monastery, the monks living there practice a code of silence and only break it on Christmas Day in which only one monk is allowed to speak. One year, one of the monks says, "I like the mashed potatoes that we eat with our Christmas dinner."

365 days later, when it is another monk's turn to speak, he says, "I really don't like the mashed potatoes we eat because they are dry!"

366 days later (it was a leap year), another monk whose turn was to speak said, "Why must we be constantly bickering?"

orpheus
December 23rd, 2016, 02:30 AM
Admiring the Christmas tree displayed in his friend's window, Oliver asks his father, "Dad, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"

"What? Of course not!" Says his father.

"Why not?" asks Oliver.

"I'll tell you why," his father continued. "Because the last time our people had to deal with a lighted tree we ended spending 40 years in the wilderness."

mhihi: rolleyes:

jccawdrey
December 28th, 2016, 11:46 AM
A very old man shuffled into an ice cream parlor and made an attempt to get up onto a stool. After watching him try several times, a young waitress came over and helped him get up on it.
She asked she could help him, and he said" I'd like a banana split please."
She was watching him try to get comfortable on the stool, and she asked him "crushed nuts...?" "No", he said "arthritis"

King Ludwig
December 28th, 2016, 07:09 PM
Christmas Eve at my Salvation Army post at the Smith's...two workmen were coming in with a mirror to replace one in the men's room... Before I had a chance to open my mouth...the store manager...just coming in the store...yelled while pointing at me...

DON'T DROP THAT MIRROR OR HE'LL BE HERE ANOTHER SEVEN YEARS!!!

He WOULD steal my joke...

orpheus
January 3rd, 2017, 07:21 AM
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C1P4hxeWIAE0OAO.jpg

:facepalm:

Bill Hicks
February 11th, 2017, 11:51 PM
Husband and wife are fast asleep.
Suddenly, the wife wakes up mad and wakes up her husband.
"I had a dream and you were terrible to me"..."why, what did I do?"
"We were driving in the middle of nowhere and you stopped the car and kicked me out and drove away"
"go back to sleep, I'll come pick you up"

jccawdrey
February 12th, 2017, 01:29 PM
New Secret Service names for Pres Trump and the 1st lady have been leaked to the press. "Heads up team, Bada$$ and Centerfold are on the move..."

King Ludwig
February 14th, 2017, 02:41 AM
A guy was meeting a friend at a restaurant, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty gals looking at him.

He heard one gal say to the other, ?Nine.?

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered to the table and told his buddy the women had just rated him a nine out of ten.

?Sorry to burst your bubble,? said his friend, ?but when I walked in they were speaking German.?

King Ludwig
February 16th, 2017, 04:53 AM
Three mischievous boys skipped school and instead went to the zoo for an outing.

They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo-security officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, ?Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.?

The second added, ?My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.?

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said, ?I'm Peanuts??

King Ludwig
February 23rd, 2017, 07:17 AM
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

?I?ve just discovered the 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!? the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, ?Bring him in. We?ll check it out.?

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. ?You were right about the mummy?s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know??

?Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ?1,000,000 shekels on Goliath.'?

RockPile
March 3rd, 2017, 08:54 AM
There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza. For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush to fulfill their greatest desires.
After about a half an hour of rustling around in the bushes they emerge, panting and sweaty.
"Wow" says the one statue, "that was amazing" "A dream come true" says the other "but we've got a half an hour left, what should we do now?" "I know, lets switch positions" the first responds "this time I'll hold the pigeon down while you crap on it"

JETS GARAGE
March 10th, 2017, 03:24 PM
A State Police Officer is sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. He is not having any luck until he sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”

Because he wants to make sure everyone is safe, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. As the young spritely State Police Officer approaches the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

Although he is a young man, the State Police officer has seen a lot during his time on the force, but not this. Trying to contain a chuckle, he explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. She promises never to make the same mistake again.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

TooCool
March 28th, 2017, 10:04 AM
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs.

So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

King Ludwig
April 9th, 2017, 06:55 PM
How can you tell when Corey Perry is in the desert???

The buzzards are flying over him with one wing over their eyes...

ucsdguy1
April 10th, 2017, 04:07 PM
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.
Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"

JETS GARAGE
April 13th, 2017, 10:23 AM
During a flight, a pilot who was going on vacation was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "My goodness, that's a good looking baby ... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that during the flight, the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The pilot sadly shook his head, and in true United Airline pilot fashion exclaimed, "And to think all these years, I've been chewing bubblegum."

mrm55
April 20th, 2017, 07:30 AM
A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational!
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.'
'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

King Ludwig
April 24th, 2017, 03:47 PM
Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottomed boats???

So it can see the OLD French Navy...

King Ludwig
April 24th, 2017, 03:54 PM
Justin Bieber was on a United flight and the stewardess came out and said "If you don't give us one million dollars...we'll have Justin Bieber sing for you"...

At last count they raised more than $25 million...

King Ludwig
April 26th, 2017, 09:59 AM
After United Airlines killed a giant rabbit they came up with a new slogan...

It used to be
United Airlines: Best Chinese Take Out In the World...

NOW it's
United Airlines: We Kill Bugs...DEAD!!!

King Ludwig
May 5th, 2017, 12:03 AM
A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann?s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico but as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

JETS GARAGE
May 12th, 2017, 04:38 PM
New Cocktail being served at the PPG Arena in Pittsburgh.

"The Ovechkin"

A White Russian without a cup

mrm55
May 12th, 2017, 09:54 PM
One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it?s been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, ?Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

mrm55
May 13th, 2017, 02:06 PM
A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP ?Make America Great Again? cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn?t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn?t seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, "Thank you!!"

Frustrated that he can?t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I?ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

RockPile
May 16th, 2017, 08:27 AM
http://68.media.tumblr.com/3161fbbfb2175f9b3a65a468b453d406/tumblr_o35xk81bV71qewacoo1_500.png

King Ludwig
May 21st, 2017, 06:16 PM
A young boy on his way to school one morning passed the outhouse by the pond behind his home.

All of a sudden he got a wild urge to push the outhouse into the pond, so with a running start he knocked it over and watched it roll a few times then slowly sink under the surface as he ran off toward school.

In class that day, they learned about how George Washington cut down the cherry tree, but when confronted about it he told his father the truth and thus did not get a whipping for the deed. So he decided to use this strategy if questioned about the outhouse when he got home.

As he approached his house, he saw his father on the porch brandishing a big switch.

When he got close enough his father said, ?Boy, I?m only gonna ask this one time ? what do you know about the outhouse getting pushed into the pond??

The boy swallowed hard and said, ?Dad, just as George Washington cut down the cherry tree, but decided to tell the truth, I must admit to you that I pushed the outhouse into the pond.?

With that his father grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and began to give him a good ole country whippin?.

The boy cried out, ?But Dad, George Washington?s dad didn?t whip him!?

?Yes son,? the father replied, ?that is true, but George Washington?s dad was not IN the cherry tree when he cut it down!?

King Ludwig
May 21st, 2017, 06:25 PM
Hanging in the hallway at the high school are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year ? ?62-63,? ?63-64,? ?64-65,? etc.

One day the principal spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos.

Turning to him, the teen said, ?Isn?t it strange how the teams always lost by one point??

King Ludwig
May 27th, 2017, 11:44 PM
A chauffeur worked for a wealthy woman who took her cat with her on rides.

The driver often dropped the woman off at a mall before going to the gas station to fill up the limosine. The cat would remain in the limo, lying down on the top of the back seat.

The gas station attendant often glanced at the unusual passenger. One day he asked: ?Sir, is that cat someone important??

RockPile
May 28th, 2017, 02:30 PM
http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/566750/85366986.jpg

makemelaugh
June 1st, 2017, 03:07 PM
A co-worker just told me this, and I'm seriously going to try to get this guy fired.

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I couldn't figure out what they were laced with, and ended up tripping on them all day."

King Ludwig
June 24th, 2017, 12:26 AM
A month ago...two Ducks fans bet each other $50 on who can stay underwater the longest...

Three weeks later...the police are still searching for their bodies...

jccawdrey
June 24th, 2017, 02:28 PM
^^^ SloMO's last case...he says he has some leads...

JETS GARAGE
June 28th, 2017, 01:02 PM
http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-cnRh76wzq1A/WVLVDCrtTVI/AAAAAAAAKt8/2Ma1YIVqxjoTNgCZW2C6ITbqycD6IFZawCHMYCw/s800-no/IMG_5490.JPG

JETS GARAGE
June 28th, 2017, 01:04 PM
http://www.xmfan.com/files/urinal2_127.jpg

King Ludwig
July 8th, 2017, 09:39 PM
A farmer and his wife were dressed and ready to go out dancing for the evening with a couple who had just moved in down the road. They turned the answering machine on, put the cat in the back yard and waited on the neighbors to pick them up.

The neighbors arrived but as the couple opened the front door to leave, the cat scooted back into the house. That was a problem because the cat always tried to eat the parakeet. The wife went on out and got into the car while her husband went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs with the man in hot pursuit. A little on the paranoid side, the wife didn?t want the new neighbors to know the house would be empty. She explained that her husband would be out soon. ?He?s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.?

A few minutes later, the husband got into the car. ?Sorry I took so long,? he said as they drove away. ?She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me while I dragged her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!?

mrm55
July 9th, 2017, 07:05 PM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"S**t," shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.

RockPile
July 13th, 2017, 02:51 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

King Ludwig
July 13th, 2017, 09:22 PM
Two guys are in a health club, one is putting on a bra.

"Since when do you wear a bra?"

"Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my car!"

King Ludwig
July 13th, 2017, 09:24 PM
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times.

When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

King Ludwig
July 26th, 2017, 12:30 PM
?Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I?m about to get picked up for a blind date ? can you call me in a half hour just in case it?s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We?ll speak.?

Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror and headed outside to wait for the guy.

Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed.

Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, ?I feel terrible, but my grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now.?

?No problem!? said her date with a big grin, ?In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!?

King Ludwig
August 9th, 2017, 03:24 AM
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his back yard, hooting like an owl.

One night, an owl called back to him. For six years, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the ?conversation.?

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor.

?My husband spends his nights ? calling out to owls,? she said.

?That?s odd,? the neighbor replied. ?So does my husband.?

RockPile
August 22nd, 2017, 04:00 PM
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Whoza talkin' about sexa? I'ma just tellin my frienda how to spella Missisippi.

BeerMan
August 22nd, 2017, 07:22 PM
Q: How does the moon get 'is haircut?

A: 'eclipse it.

BeerMan
August 31st, 2017, 06:35 PM
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

RockPile
September 4th, 2017, 07:29 AM
http://i.imgur.com/2u3hi9c.jpg

TooCool
September 5th, 2017, 08:31 AM
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Whoza talkin' about sexa? I'ma just tellin my frienda how to spella Missisippi.


Trying to make sense of that English is hard. lol

RockPile
September 5th, 2017, 08:41 AM
Trying to make sense of that English is hard. lol

http://www.troll.me/images/beavis-and-butthead-lol/uhuhuhuhuhuh-you-said-hard-thumb.jpg

JWR
September 13th, 2017, 08:51 PM
An old priest was dying.
He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the Rectory.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old guy mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

JWR
September 13th, 2017, 09:03 PM
A Greek and an Italian were chatting one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek Said, "We have Olympus"
The Italian Said, "We have the Coliseum"

The Greek Said, "We gave the world Plato and Aristotle"
The Italian Said, "We gave them Cato and Marcus Aurelius"

The Greek Said, "We had Alexander the Great"
The Italian Said, "We had Caesar and the Roman Empire"

And so the debate went on and on until finally they agreed on something:

The Greek Said, "We invented sex"
The Italian Said, " That is true, But it was the Italians who introduced it to women"

orpheus
September 20th, 2017, 04:17 PM
3 reform Judaism rabbis were arguing about whose temple was the most progressive. The first one said, "In my temple, we have ashtrays by the seats since we allow members to smoke in the temple."

"Oh, yeah?" The third rabbi said. 'In our temple we serve snacks which happen to be ham sandwiches!"

"That's nothing! The third rabbi said. "In my temple, when Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur arrive, we place a sign outside the temple letting our members know: We're close for the holidays!"


That's pretty reformed all right, haha. ;)

RockPile
September 21st, 2017, 08:58 AM
https://i.imgur.com/IOVBxEg.png

King Ludwig
November 6th, 2017, 06:59 PM
How many Ducks fans does it take to change a light bulb???

None...

They cry till their mommy does it for them...

Kaos
November 11th, 2017, 02:32 AM
I have a step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

King Ludwig
November 11th, 2017, 09:00 AM
A Ducks fan goes in a police lineup for identification by a woman who was raped...

He yelled and pointed..."THAT'S HER!!!"...

King Ludwig
November 14th, 2017, 04:37 PM
The Sedins looked out of the bus window... They were arrested for mooning...

King Ludwig
November 28th, 2017, 11:43 PM
This happened during my first year ringing at the Smith's and also happened to be one of perfect timing of a joke AND a flawless Jeff Foxworthy impersonation including that redneck dialect to boot...

Inspection day was there and one of the baggers/cart retrievers asked the following question...

"There's a dead pigeon in the parking lot... What should I do???"

Without missing a beat I gave him the answer as Foxworthy would... "Notify the deli and tell 'em to far up the rotisserie..."

I knew I was in trouble when I heard laughter behind me... It was one of the inspectors... He was in tears from laughing so hard... He took me aside and said "That was so wrong on so many levels...but it was funny as hell..." Then he put a $20 bill in my kettle...

13 years later...neither will look at me without cracking up...and that bagger is now the produce manager...and the inspector announced to me that he will be retiring in March...

King Ludwig
December 7th, 2017, 07:34 AM
There were some nice things said about the wind yesterday at my kettle...

If it blows any harder...it would be wearing a Corey Perry jersey...

The same joke also applied by substituting Anaheim Ducks for Perry...an hour later...

And a certain bell ringer we all know in love with this one...

Got a fruitcake I can borrow so I can weigh down this stand???

King Ludwig
December 22nd, 2017, 06:11 AM
I once reviewed a sneak peek of The Santa Clause 2...and this mother with her four year old son stole the show... That kid actually said out loud what I was thinking... I gladly put that kid's remark in my review as the headline...

"Mommy...Is Santa REALLY that stupid???"

King Ludwig
December 23rd, 2017, 06:40 AM
I think Santa is getting nastier by the year... Instead of coal (or toys)...he's leaving fruitcake to the kids on the naughty list...

If he was really going to get even nastier...he would be giving them gift cards from Taco Bell...

x-wingcamewest
December 24th, 2017, 05:21 AM
At about the middle of one Christmas Season in the mid 1800, Santa was in the worst funk he had ever experienced. All the elves had the mumps, Mrs. Claus was having one of her migraines that had lasted for weeks, all the reindeer had contracted thrush in their hooves and the jolly old fat man was not too jolly and fat as he had not gotten used to his new false teeth and had hardly eaten all year.
He was in the worst mood ever and was decided to cancel his Christmas eve ride. He consoled himself as he chewed on his pipe will sitting in his chair by the fire, when he heard a hard knock at the door. "come in he said". Nothing happened. After a few minutes there was another knock, louder than the first. "Come in" he bellowed, "the door is unlocked" Again, nothing happened and Santa is now getting pissed thinking that someone was messing with him. After several minutes more, hammering so loud that the door was shaken on its hinges came. As mad as he had ever been, Santa jumped up from his chair and stomped to the door and threw it open to the sight of a seven foot tall Christmas Tree held up by a tiny one foot tall Angel from below. With Santa sneering at the little angel, she looked up and asked. "So Santa, where do you want me to put this tree this year"?

latka
December 24th, 2017, 12:52 PM
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

King Ludwig
January 11th, 2018, 09:42 AM
One recent evening, Hayward and his two friends are talking at a bar.

The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed."

The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed."

Hayward says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both of his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed," says Hayward.

King Ludwig
January 21st, 2018, 05:07 PM
Two Ducks fans went deer hunting and shot a deer... The two hunters were dragging their dead deer by its hind legs back to their truck...

Another hunter...a Kings fan...approached pulling his along too....

?Hey...I don?t want to tell you how to do something?but I can tell you that it?s much easier if you drag the deer the other way... This way the antlers won?t dig into the ground...?

After the third hunter left...the two decided to try it...

A little while later one hunter said to the other...?You know, that guy was right... This is a lot easier!!!?

?Yeah...but we?re getting farther from the truck...? the other added...

jammer06
January 21st, 2018, 05:41 PM
From the locker room of minijammers mite team:

Did you know that peanut butter is the dirtiest word?
Pee
Nuts
Butt
Her!

9 yo humor man....

King Ludwig
January 28th, 2018, 12:51 AM
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea... “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a homecooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.

“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.”

King Ludwig
February 13th, 2018, 03:06 PM
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, ?When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don?t love me any more.?

?Nonsense, darling,? replied the husband, ?you just cook better now.?

King Ludwig
February 25th, 2018, 11:40 PM
Paraphrased from Billy Graham's testimonial made at Dean Martin's roast of Bob Hope...

Hope is honest about everything...except his golf scores... One day Bob and the Reverend Graham were paired off during a charity golf event... At the end Hope asked Billy to sign his score card...

Billy said "I refuse to do so under the 9th Commandment 'Thou shalt not bear false witness...'"...

Bob then signed Billy's name on his card stating that "There is no commandment that says 'Thou shalt not commit forgery'..."...

King Ludwig
March 1st, 2018, 04:51 PM
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a Sharks fan, a Kings fan, and a Ducks fan, and they get captured by some Amazons.

The head of the tribe says to the Sharks fan, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The Sharks fan responds, "I will take oil!"

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the Sharks fan has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Sharks fan away, and say to the Ducks fan, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Ducks fan, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the
Kings fan.

He responds, "I'll take the Ducks fan!"

BeerMan
March 4th, 2018, 09:47 PM
https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28468553_2070376579653145_1128263410165743616_n.jp g?oh=844cb7cdbd8899ecc36811a57546cf48&oe=5B034560

orpheus
March 9th, 2018, 08:55 PM
So there was some dude sitting in a bar alone just staring at the glass in front of his for hours. And then, some good for nothing drunk comes in, sees him, walks by, takes his glass and drinks it.

The man then starts to cry.

The good for nothing drunk feels bad and tells him, "Hey, I was just messing with you. I'll buy you another drink!"

"Oh, it's not that," the man replies. "It's just that I've had the worst day today! I woke up sick. Then on my way to work, the train was malfunctioning, so I was late to work. My boss, who was going crazy for some reason, took it on me, and then fired me. After going home, I caught my wife cheating with one of my friends!"

"And so, I have just been sitting here thinking that I should end it," continued the man. "But, now, I can't even do that since you just drank my poison!"

King Ludwig
March 13th, 2018, 08:38 PM
King Solomon wasn't really that wise...

What wise man would want 700 mothers-in-in-law???

JETS GARAGE
April 3rd, 2018, 01:48 PM
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid the hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Shaken and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I?ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I?m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
"I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the
Bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of
boobs I?ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

JETS GARAGE
April 3rd, 2018, 01:54 PM
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonay.

BeerMan
April 3rd, 2018, 09:23 PM
https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29792558_2062004494020069_4688321649001704270_n.pn g?_nc_cat=0&oh=74116d8f29b84d1c7f6fd247ab106640&oe=5B281EFA

King Ludwig
April 17th, 2018, 03:37 AM
One of my favorite romantic songs written by one Gerald Wiley...

It Don't Mean That I Don't Love You

Now just listen to me, darling
What I say to you is true
If you really want to leave me
That's entirely up to you
But believe me when I tell you
I am really not to blame
All your silly fears are groundless
I still love you just the same.

CHORUS
It don't mean that I don't love you
Just because we never speak
And I never give you presents -
Take you swimming in the creek;
Just because I hate your cooking
Oh, please don't get in a stew -
Just because I'm not your grandma,
Doesn't mean that I don't love you.

It don't mean that I don't love you
When I punch you in the nose
And go out with other women
Never buy you any clothes.
How can we remain together
With so many ifs and buts?
It don't mean that I don't love you-
But my wife - she hates your guts.

King Ludwig
April 22nd, 2018, 06:55 AM
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $200!"

King Ludwig
April 22nd, 2018, 07:35 PM
Three prisoners, a Dallas Stars fan, a LA Kings fan, and a Ducks fan, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.

They bring out the Stars fan and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the Stars fan runs away.

Next, they place the Kings fan in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the Kings fan escapes.

Next up is the Ducks fan. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

JWR
April 30th, 2018, 09:37 AM
The Origin of the White Wedding Dress
A son asked his mother the following question:

' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

(He'll be out of intensive care shortly)

King Ludwig
April 30th, 2018, 03:05 PM
Remember the IRS this Mother's Day and send them a card to show them that you care...

King Ludwig
May 5th, 2018, 05:18 AM
Don't make me break out this stinko de Mayo joke again...

http://letsgokings.com/showthread.php/462502-The-Stupid-Not-So-Stupid-Joke-Thread-Part-II?p=3239492&viewfull=1#post3239492

King Ludwig
May 5th, 2018, 05:41 AM
Alex Faust and Jim Fox are bungee-jumping one day.

Faust says to Fox. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Fox thinks this is a great idea, so they two pool their money and buy everything they?ll need ? a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

Faust jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Fox notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Fox isn?t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Fox misses him.

Faust falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up ? he?s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Fox finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Faust says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

King Ludwig
May 5th, 2018, 09:53 AM
Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans defeating the French... Everybody else calls it Saturday...

JWR
May 7th, 2018, 09:16 AM
http://ace.mu.nu/archives/unnamed.png

JETS GARAGE
May 8th, 2018, 04:49 PM
Two dogs are walking along a street.
They are passed by a third dog driving a logging truck.
One dog turns to the other and says "He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there."

King Ludwig
May 8th, 2018, 06:29 PM
What is the biggest problem facing Poland today???

The 4-10 split...

King Ludwig
May 10th, 2018, 07:27 AM
Ways to tell if your country club has been taken over by the mafia

You got to be a union member to join now...
New rule: Machine guns must be carried in golf bag at all times
Jimmy Hoffa found in the sand trap near the 10th hole
Sign in clubhouse reading "If you breaka da course record we breaka you knees"
Hits made on course count as strokes...IF done with golf clubs
Instead of yelling FORE you fire a machine gun in the air
Penalties for placing dead bodies out in the open
Dirty cops allowed to play on course
Republicans refused entrance to course
You suddenly find out the brakes on your golf cart don't work
Beware of exploding golf balls
Frank Sinatra muzak system in clubhouse
Your caddy's name is Guido
You never see anyone placing golf bags in the trunks of their cars anymore
Golf cart starters hired instead of caddies
Italian curses placed on the ball when missing a one foot putt
Balls are used for target practice at the driving range
The groundskeepers go into the witness relocation program
You can now shoot the ball with a machine gun after missing putts under three feet without taking a penalty
They start placing hits on people that don't replace their divots
The Teamsters Open
Bribes will lower your golf score
People hired to take opponent's knees out with golf clubs
Golf trophy resembles a horse's head
The new course record is 15 on an 18 hole course set by Nunzio
There are more holes in your opponents than on the course
You are thrown out for being a government informant
You have to move the body before placing your golf bag in the trunk...

King Ludwig
May 13th, 2018, 01:41 PM
My wife was a horrible cook...

I can't recall anyone else that can make a PB&J sandwich taste like it was cremated six times over...

jammer06
May 13th, 2018, 06:39 PM
Another one from minijammer:

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?



Bugs Bunny

King Ludwig
May 22nd, 2018, 01:03 PM
I sent a friend a Travoltagram the other day... He knocks on your door...looks confused for 30 minutes and leaves...

jammer06
May 25th, 2018, 06:15 PM
Why couldn't the Charmin roll cross the street?


It got stuck in a crack!

King Ludwig
May 26th, 2018, 06:50 AM
Autocorrect has become my worst enema...

King Ludwig
May 29th, 2018, 05:15 PM
In the spirit of Red Buttons doing a Dean Martin roast...

Why are we giving a dinner for this guy when there are people in history more deserving who NEVER got a dinner...

Dolly Parton's son...Golly Parton...whose first words were..."This is all for ME???"... NEVER got a dinner...

King Solomon who once said "I only took 700 wives to save the rest of you from 700 mothers- in-law..." Not so wise...but NEVER got a dinner...

George Speri Sperti...the inventor of Preparation H while asking a clerk at the patent office..."You want me to stick this patent WHERE???"...NEVER got a dinner...

Dimitri Shostakovich when asked if he could write an opera about Don Rickles said..."This will be impossible because I can't write notes that low..." NEVER got a dinner...

King Ludwig
May 30th, 2018, 10:45 PM
I ran into one of my high school's principals the other day...and he still remembers me from an incident that led me to his office in 1985...

I butted heads with a few teachers...mostly English teachers...because their classes were extremely boring and repetitive... One of those teachers assigned an essay of "Why I love/hate (fill in the blank)" due the next morning... Sure my 20 page single spaced typed copy of "Why I hate this class" (which I also had to recite in front of the class) got me in trouble enough the principal had to get involved...

The principal had her as a teacher when he was here... He said "She's still not assigning that stupid love/hate essay again is she???"...

"Why do you think that???"

"I average one or two comedians a year off that thing alone... From the bulk of this one...it looks like she really got ticked off at you..."

"Yeah... I didn't even get past page two when she ordered me to see you..."

"Okay... Let's see how bad it is..."

He went through all 20 pages and was in tears and on the floor laughing himself silly around page 8...

"My God... This is the funniest one that I've read in 22 years...but you're missing a few things..." He then added six more pages to the essay as an afterword and added a one page introduction to get everyone in the mood... We both dedicated the book to the most boring and humorless teachers in the history of education... HIS WORDS not mine...

We published it and sold all 1500 autographed copies to fund our new music program as well as building the new auditorium... The English teacher retired a year after I graduated...but I hope she bought one of the books...

King Ludwig
June 2nd, 2018, 09:34 AM
Every time a horn honks...a cabbie is born...

JETS GARAGE
June 4th, 2018, 03:59 PM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Guys like you keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. It?s because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee"?

TooCool
June 6th, 2018, 03:18 PM
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops. They all hide in a barn.

The brunette hides with the pigs, the red head hides with the horses and the blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes. The cops enter the barn and shine a flash light on the pigs, the brunette says "oink oink" and the cops move on. The cops shine their flash lights on the horses, the red head goes "neigh neigh". Finally the cops shine a light on the sack of potatoes and the blond says " potato potato".

King Ludwig
June 7th, 2018, 01:04 PM
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.

Finally, it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

?What?s going on?? she yells out the window.

?Cow on the track!? replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, ?What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again??

JWR
June 9th, 2018, 09:54 PM
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

JETS GARAGE
June 18th, 2018, 01:32 PM
Favourite Pub

"As good as this bar is, " said the Scotsman,
"I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's
a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll
buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus, " said the Englishman, "At
my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you
your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin', " said Paddy
Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite
pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll
take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me-self, personally, no, " admitted
the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite
a few times."

JETS GARAGE
June 19th, 2018, 11:48 AM
I got a job as a young lad as a bagger at the supermarket. One day, the store put in a machine for squeezing oranges.
I asked my boss if I could work on the machine.
"Sorry," he said, "baggers can't be juicers."

Later that day, I loaded up some bags for a pretty lady, the lady and I proceeded out to the parking lot.
On our way out, she says, in a low, soft voice, " I have an itchy cooter". A few more steps, again, " I have an itchy cooter".
I'm sorry lady, but, I can't tell the difference between all these new foreign cars, you'll have to point it out.

JWR
June 23rd, 2018, 08:33 PM
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son again.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching Stormy Daniels movies."

Dad says," What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were."

The robot slaps the father!

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

JETS GARAGE
July 31st, 2018, 02:52 PM
https://78.media.tumblr.com/52e7d26d020bdf806d8f95e657c4f5a5/tumblr_p9i0hhNS6Y1u4kctdo1_1280.jpg

King Ludwig
August 1st, 2018, 04:48 PM
Gallagher and Carrot Top are in the hospital...

They're doing a study on laughter being the best medicine and needed them for the control group...

King Ludwig
August 8th, 2018, 10:45 AM
Someone asked me about a friend of mine the other day...

I told her "He's been nuttier than a squirrel's fart even before I met him..."

She was laughing so hard that I thought she was going to bust a rib...

It was then that I remembered that I was best man at their wedding...

BeerMan
August 14th, 2018, 11:10 PM
got an invite to a premature ejaculation party.

I asked about the dress code.

was told to just come in my pants.

King Ludwig
August 15th, 2018, 12:53 PM
If you have an erection lasting longer than four years...a career in architecture is right around the corner...

King Ludwig
August 16th, 2018, 02:44 AM
A young man hired by Ralph's reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m an Anaheim Ducks fan,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.

“Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how to do it.”

King Ludwig
August 16th, 2018, 07:52 AM
The Irish devised a new method for counting inanimate objects...

It goes

One Potato
Two Potato
Three Potato
Four...

JWR
August 19th, 2018, 08:27 AM
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

King Ludwig
August 20th, 2018, 03:17 PM
Ladies, if a man says he?ll fix it, he will.

There?s no need to remind him every six minutes about it.

JETS GARAGE
August 21st, 2018, 10:20 AM
A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner." "Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!

King Ludwig
August 23rd, 2018, 07:54 PM
The Anaheim Ucks fan fight song...
(Sung to "God Save the Queen")

Owa tana siam
Owa tana siam
I yamut wit
Owa taphoo lamai
Owa taphoo lamai
Owa tana siam
I yamut wit

JETS GARAGE
August 24th, 2018, 02:22 PM
Meanwhile, at the golf course.....

Golfer: “Well Caddy, How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf.”

Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, Sir.”

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,”
Caddy: “Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “This is the worst golf course I’ve ever played on!”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!”

Golfer: “Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: “Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, Sir, it’s a compass!”

Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.”
Caddy: “I doubt it, sir” replied the caddy. “That would-be too much of a coincidence”

Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “Sir, I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”