Thanks Thanks:  0
Page 37 of 37 FirstFirst ... 27353637
Results 361 to 367 of 367

Thread: The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

  1. #361
    Triple Crown Line
    JETS GARAGE's Avatar
    Karma: 14767847
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    10,285
    Mentioned
    35 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    670 Post(s)

    Default

    Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, so early in the morning he drove over to Kenny's.

    Farmer: "Sorry son, I have some bad news, the donkey died."

    Kenny: "Well then, just give me my money back."

    Farmer: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

    Kenny: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

    Farmer: "What ya gonna do with him?"

    Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

    Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

    Kenny: "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

    A month later the farmer met up with Kenny.

    Farmer: "What happened with that dead donkey?"

    Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

    Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

    Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

  2. #362
    Registered Redophile
    King Ludwig's Avatar
    Karma: 89481000
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    6,626
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    609 Post(s)

    Default

    My girlfriend and I were scolded by this Karen about us holding hands as we were getting some whipped cream...

    "Hey you idiots... You're not safe distancing!!!"

    I retorted "We sleep together in the same bed... Why shouldn't we hold hands???"

  3. #363
    Registered Redophile
    King Ludwig's Avatar
    Karma: 89481000
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    6,626
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    609 Post(s)

    Default

    A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

    The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

    The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

    The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

  4. #364
    Team LGK
    JWR's Avatar
    Karma: 11603230
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    3,262
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    452 Post(s)

    Default

    A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”

    Passenger: “Who?”

    Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He was a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

    Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

    Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

    Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

    Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. And, he never, ever forgot to put the seat down. He wasn't like me,” he continued. “I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

    Passenger: “Wow, some guy, then.”

    Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

    Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

    Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I made the mistake of marrying his widow.”
    "Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment." Harlan Ellison

  5. #365
    \_(ツ)_/
    Kaos's Avatar
    Karma: 13920929
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    5,006
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    515 Post(s)

    Default

    I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

    “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

    The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed, "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

    When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

    Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

    Don't honk your horn at old people. We hate that.

  6. #366
    Team LGK
    JWR's Avatar
    Karma: 11603230
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    3,262
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    452 Post(s)

    Default

    "Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment." Harlan Ellison

  7. #367
    Team LGK
    JWR's Avatar
    Karma: 11603230
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    3,262
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    452 Post(s)

    Default

    The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

    "May I help you, sir?" she asked.

    "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

    "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

    "No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

    Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

    The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

    Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

    The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800s. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

    After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

    The man replied, "Billings, Montana."

    "Really," she said. "I have family in Billings."

    "I know," the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."

    The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

    1. Death

    2. Taxes

    3. Being screwed by a lawyer
    "Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment." Harlan Ellison

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •