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Thread: The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

  1. #241
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    Someone asked me about a friend of mine the other day...

    I told her "He's been nuttier than a squirrel's fart even before I met him..."

    She was laughing so hard that I thought she was going to bust a rib...

    It was then that I remembered that I was best man at their wedding...

  2. #242
    Kings season be like...
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    got an invite to a premature ejaculation party.

    I asked about the dress code.

    was told to just come in my pants.
    I BELIEVE I'll have another beer!

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    If you have an erection lasting longer than four years...a career in architecture is right around the corner...

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    A young man hired by Ralph's reported for his first day of work.

    The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

    “But I’m an Anaheim Ducks fan,” the young man replied indignantly.

    “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.

    “Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how to do it.”

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    The Irish devised a new method for counting inanimate objects...

    It goes

    One Potato
    Two Potato
    Three Potato
    Four...

  6. #246
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    The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

    The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

    Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

    The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

    Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

    Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

    The teacher sat down and cried.
    "Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment." Harlan Ellison

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    Ladies, if a man says he?ll fix it, he will.

    There?s no need to remind him every six minutes about it.

  8. #248
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    A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner." "Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!

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    The Anaheim Ucks fan fight song...
    (Sung to "God Save the Queen")

    Owa tana siam
    Owa tana siam
    I yamut wit
    Owa taphoo lamai
    Owa taphoo lamai
    Owa tana siam
    I yamut wit

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    Meanwhile, at the golf course.....

    Golfer: “Well Caddy, How do you like my game?”
    Caddy: “Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf.”

    Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
    Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, Sir.”

    Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,”
    Caddy: “Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

    Golfer: “This is the worst golf course I’ve ever played on!”
    Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!”

    Golfer: “Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?
    Caddy: “Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”

    Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”
    Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, Sir, it’s a compass!”

    Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
    Caddy: “The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!”

    Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old.”
    Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”

    Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
    Caddy: “Eventually.”

    Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.”
    Caddy: “I doubt it, sir” replied the caddy. “That would-be too much of a coincidence”

    Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
    Caddy: “Sir, I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

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