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Thread: The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

  1. #271
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    A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."

  2. #272
    Kings season be like...
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    I BELIEVE I'll have another beer!

  3. #273
    Kings season be like...
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    I BELIEVE I'll have another beer!

  4. #274
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    It's time to recycle those leftover holiday fruitcakes. That's right, you can have your cake and use it too*. Just consider the possibilities:

    Pothole filler.
    Book case.
    Shot put.
    Hitching tow.
    Skeet.
    Speed bump.
    Barbecue (cheaper than the ones made with inferior brick).
    Boat anchor.
    Saw in half and use as bookends.
    Flower press.
    Decorative driveway/sidewalk.
    Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them on enemy.
    Chopping block.
    Teach your dog to play dead FOR YEARS.
    Sledge hammer.
    Paper weight.
    Bed warmer (heat to 350?F).
    Ice pack (chilled for 12 hours).
    Wrecking ball.
    Dent-proof bumpers.
    Tombstone.
    Christmas tree stand.
    Scratching post for your cat.
    Salvation Army kettle stand weight.
    Slice to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
    Use as sand bags during flood season.
    Railroad ties.
    Bowling pins.
    Save for next summer's garage sale (slice thin enough so they can pass as kitchen tiles).
    Pin cushion.

    *User assumes all liability for busted toes, hernias, and other medical ailments resulting therefrom.

    - adapted from an article written by Suzanne James for America West Airlines Magazine.

    (I felt she left some things out and decided to update it... LVC)

  5. #275
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    I ran into an old friend the other day...

    Halfway through the conversation I mentioned that I was half German and half Scot...

    "So... THAT'S why you're such a cheap kraut!!!" he said...

    Well...I have a NEW set of friends now...

  6. #276
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    I know a few of us have problems with telemarketers and other scam artists... My favorite two ways to get rid of them are the following...but #2 is best over a cell phone...

    1) An air horn blasted in the phone...
    2) (works best with a Sicilian dialect)
    Pretend you're arguing with a hit man named Vinnie... After about three or four minutes...act agitated and yell "YOU HID THE BODY WHERE???" Then hang up...

  7. #277
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    Remember to tip your waitress...

    BUT...how you mistook her for a cow might take some very serious explanation...

  8. #278
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    Alex Faust was in the hospital today...

    They ran out of anesthetic...

  9. #279
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    A gorgeous rehead came to me and said..."Do you want to join the Alex Faust Fan Club???"

    I said "I really don't want to join the Alex Faust Fan Club..."

    She said..."If you decide to join...you get a tie pin and it only costs fifty dollars..."

    Again I said "Please leave me alone... I don't want to join the Alex Faust Fan Club..."

    She kissed me...hugged me and started nibbling on my ear...

    After two hours of this I told her "All right...I'll join that stupid club..."

    "Okay Honey... Here's your tie pin...and here's your fifty dollars..."

  10. #280
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    Jack the Ripper isn't dead...

    He's doing my dry cleaning...

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