The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

What's the difference between a mosquito and an IRS agent???

One is a blood sucking parasite and the other one is a mosquito...
 
I don't remember if I posted this one or not...

Motherless and fatherless, born without a skin...
Spoke when I first came into the world and never heard again...
What am I?











A fart...
 
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said:

"No, just up to my boobs,
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to."

:)
 
A blonde...a brunette...and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early... "Hey girls..." says the brunette... "Let's go home early tomorrow... She'll never know..."

The next day, they all leave right after the boss does... The brunette gets some extra gardening done...the redhead goes to a bar...and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!!! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time...

"That was fun..." says the brunette... "We should do it again sometime..."

"No way..." says the blonde... "I almost got caught!!!"
 
I walked into a bookshop and I asked the store assistant if Prince Harry’s book is available to download.
She said “do you want the PDF file?”
I said no, that’s his uncle.
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel on his belt buckle.
Bartender: “What’s with the wheel?”
Pirate: “YAAARRR it’s drivin me nuts!”

Old joke, but my all time favorite.
 
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman... The general replied "1956...ma'am..."

The woman...in disbelief said "1956???!!! That long??? Come with me and let me make your night better..."

The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour... Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well...you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..."

The general looked at her...confused...and replied "I sure hope not... It's only 2130 now..."
 
What's the definition of perfect pitch???

When you throw a banjo in the bin and it lands on an accordion...
 
Why does the French flag have vertical stripes???

To tell everyone to read between the lines...
 
Emmanuel Macron...the French President...is sitting in his office when his telephone rings...

"Hallo...Mr. Macron!!!" a heavily accented voice said... "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare...Ireland... I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!!!"

"Well...Paddy..." Macron replied..."This is indeed important news!!! How big is your army???"

"Right now..." says Paddy...after a moment's calculation..."there is meself...me Cousin Sean...me next door neighbour Seamus...and the entire darts team from the pub... That makes eight!!!"

Macron paused... "I must tell you...Paddy...that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command..."

"Begoora!!!" says Paddy..."I'll have to ring you back..."

Sure enough...the next day...Paddy calls again..."Mr. Macron...the war is still on... We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!!!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy???" Macron asks...

"Well...we have two combines...a bulldozer...and Murphy's farm tractor..."

Macron sighs amused... "I must tell you...Paddy...that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers... Also...I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke..."

"Saints preserve us!!!" says Paddy... "I'll have to get back to you..."

Sure enough...Paddy rings again the next day... "Mr. Macron...the war is still on!!! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!!! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit...and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!!!"

Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat... "I must tell you...Paddy...that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes... My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided...surface-to-air missile sites... And since we last spoke...I have increased my army to 200,000!!!"

"Jesus...Mary...and Joseph!!!" says Paddy... "I will have to ring you back..."

Sure enough...Paddy calls again the next day... "Top o' the mornin'...Mr. Macron!!! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war..."

"Really??? I am sorry to hear that Paddy..." says Macron... "Why the sudden change of heart???"

"Well..." says Paddy... "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness...and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners..."
 
Every comedian breaks at least one of the Ten Commandments...THOU SHALT NOT STEAL...

I don't consider it as stealing jokes rather than recycling them...
 
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