The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. ''Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives,'' she spoke wisely. ''I agree completely, ma'am,'' the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. ''This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.'' ''That's a great idea, miss,'' the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. ''I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?'' ''No, thanks,'' came the reply. ''I'll just wait on the cops to get here.''

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A man got a call from his doctor who said "I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?"
The man says "The bad news."
The doctor says "The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!"
The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than that!!??"
The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!"
 
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Razzilla, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr. Razzilla, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the girl you need. Say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Razzilla, "I have two redheaded sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."
 
Pirate walks into a bar

Barman:...long time no see Capt'n. wasup, you look awful..

Pirate: I,m fine, feeling good.

Barman: Well, what happened to your leg.

Pirate: Was is in a canon fight, took my leg off but got it fixed, it's all fixed fine.

Barman: So where's your hand...

Pirate: Ahh, boarded this ship and there was a hell of a sword fight so it got cut off but it's all fixed fine..

Barman: So what happened to your eeeeeye..

Pirate: One day we was way out to sea and this massive flock of birds flew over. I was looking up at them when one pooped in my eye.

Barman: You mean you lost your eye because of bird poo.

Pirate: Arrrrg was my first day with the hook.
 
Yesterday I went to get a few items at the store and on the bus there was a Kings fan and a Ducks fan arguing... When they finally stopped I said dryly to the Kings fan..."Funny... The Ducks never have a second Cup at home..."...

The driver finally realized what I said and started laughing so hard I thought he was going to lose control of the bus...
 
What did the cannibal do after he ate his girlfriend?


























He dumped her.
 
What did the cannibal get when he was late to dinner?

The cold shoulder.
 
Hear about the cannibal who ate his mother-in-law? She still didn?t agree with him.
 
It was so cold in the mountains last week, I saw two teenaged boys with their pants pulled up
 
My sister-in-law passed a cop like he wasn't even moving... Eventually...she gets pulled over...

"Miss...did you know you were going 80??? I'm afraid that I'm going to have to write you a ticket..."

"Please write that down.. The guy I'm trying to sell this car to doesn't believe it will go over 40..."
 
King Ludwig said:
Yesterday I went to get a few items at the store and on the bus there was a Kings fan and a Ducks fan arguing... When they finally stopped I said dryly to the Kings fan..."Funny... The Ducks never have a second Cup at home..."...

The driver finally realized what I said and started laughing so hard I thought he was going to lose control of the bus...
Click to expand...

Took kme a sec as well. Too damned funny!!

 
didja hear about the movie called Constipation?

no? right, because it hasn't come out yet.
 
Following the death of Quasimodo, the Archbishop went looking for a new bellringer. That evening an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop, declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."
 
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your F'n brother won't let me in without a tie!"
 
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
 
What's the difference between a chickpea and lentil?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face...
 
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup???

Anyone can roast beef...
 
King Ludwig said:
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Click to expand...

That reminds me of the purchase order that NASA got from the Polish Gov. for 100 shuttles.

They just loved the idea that the top doors opened so they could just stand there and throw out the bombs as needed...
 
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