The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

Little Johnny's father is at work when he gets a call from his son's teacher...

"Hello Mr. Johnson... I was in the middle of a lecture today when your son just got up and left the room without a word... I'm very worried about him, is he alright???"

The father just laughed and said "oh you have nothing to worry about, Johnny has been sleepwalking since he was 5 years old!!!"
 
In a blackout...a Golden Knights fan was stuck on an escalator for two hours...

I asked him..."Why didn't you walk down???"

He said..."because I was going up!!!"
 
This Anaheim Ducks fan used to go to school with his dog... Then they were separated...

His dog graduated!!!
 
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out...

How does he get rid of his trash???

He puts it in a sealed Amazon box on his front porch...
 
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says:

“Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”

The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”
 
A group of men are changing in the locker room at a golf club. Suddenly a cell phone on the bench starts to ring, and a man puts it on speaker phone as he continues getting dressed. He says "Hello?", the woman on the other line says "Honey, it's me. Are you still at the golf club?"

"Yeah, what's going on?"

"I'm out shopping and found this great new leather coat, and it's only $500 dollars, can I get it?"

"Sure, if you like it"

"Thank you! I was also at the dealership earlier and saw the new Mercedes models, and there is one that's absolutely gorgeous, and I really want it!"

"How much is it?"

"About $80,000..."

"Alright, but for that price I want all the extra options included."

"Great! One other thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market, but they're asking $3,500,000 for it."

"Well, go ahead and make them an offer, but don't go above 3,400,000."

"Really? Okay! I love you, see you later!"

"Love you too."

The rest of the men in the club stare at him wide eyed. As he hangs up the phone, he looks at the men and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
 
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer, and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched. “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.


Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”

The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
 
A very well-dressed man is walking along the street when he is approached by a filthy old beggar.

“Please sir, can you spare me a couple of dollars?” the man looks the fellow up and down and says,

“I will not, chances are you’ll spend it on drink!”

“I haven’t touched drink in all my life!” says the tramp.

“Well, you’ll probably spend it on cigarettes then” the man persists.

“Never smoked in my life sir!” the tramp exclaims.

“Ha, I know what you’ll do with it,” the man says triumphantly, “you’ll gamble it away on some hopeless horse!”

“But sir,” the tramp protests, “I never gamble!”

“So, if you don’t do these things, how come you ended up a tramp?” asks the rich man.

“Why sir, I once was as wealthy as you, I had shares in some big companies. However, my wife said I should take them out and invest in a business. I did, but the business never worked out and I ended up as you see me now sir, penniless.”

“Then,” says the man, “come along with me to my house, where you will have dinner, a new suit of clothes and I’ll give you some money to help you start up again.”

“But sir,” the tramp says, “surely your wife will get angry at you for bringing home a dirty old tramp like me, feeding him, clothing him and giving him money.”

“Oh she will,” says the man, “but I just want her to see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, doesn't smoke or gamble and always does what his wife tells him!”
 
Little Johnny's teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child... She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says "Johnny when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed...my face would stay that way..."

Little Johnny looks up to her and says "Well Miss... You can't say that you weren't warned!!!"
 
Man goes into a pet store to get a bird.
Owner says we only have one left but to wait until next week when they get more.
Man asks why.
Owner says this bird is a bad bird, a mean bird.
Man buys it anyway and takes it home.
Man comes home from work the next day and says 'hi bird'.
Bird answers 'go f*** yourself'. Man gets a little mad.
Next day, man comes home and says 'hi bird', bird says 'go f*** yourself'. Man gets real mad.
Man comes home the 3rd day and says 'hi bird', bird says 'go f*** yourself'.
Man loses it. "If you tell me to go f*** myself once more I'm gonna kill you, burn your cage down and watch you die".
Man comes home next day and says 'hi bird'. Bird says nothing and gives him a look.
Man says 'what?', bird says, 'you know what'.
 
The leader of Tibet just created a new hotline...

It's called the Dial a Llama...
 
I yelled "COW!" at a woman as she rode past me on her bike.
She turned her head to look at me, scowled, and gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
Hey, I tried.
 
George's nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem...

Funeral director: "Sir...it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem..."
George: "Ship her home!!!"
Funeral director: "But sir...why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money???"
George: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead... I can't take that chance!!!"
 
During my check-up I asked the doctor,..."Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

He replied..."I doubt it somehow... Mercury is in Uranus right now..."

I said..."I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense..."

He replied..."Neither do I... My thermometer just broke..."
 
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies...

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says..."Congratulations!!! You're the father of twins!!!"

"That's odd..." answers the man..."I work for the Minnesota Twins!!!"

A nurse says to the second guy..."Congratulations!!! You're the father of triplets!!!"

"That's weird..." answers the second man..."I work for the 3M company!!!"

A nurse tells the third man..."Congratulations!!! You're the father of quadruplets!!!"

"That's strange..." he answers..."I work for the Four Seasons hotel!!!"

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall... "What's wrong???"...the others ask.

"I work for Baskin Robbins!!!"
 
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