The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out...

As he walked to the door she yelled..."I hope you die a long...slow...painful death."

He turned around and said..."So...you want me to stay???"
 
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life...the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning...

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103...when she died...

She left behind 14 children...30 grandchildren...45 great-grandchildren...25 great-great-grandchildren...and a 100-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
 
Why are Scottish weddings so rare???

Nobody wants to give the bride away...
 
My girlfriend: *Sobbing* One minute he loves me and the next he wants nothing to do me!!!

Therapist: That’s pretty typical cat behaviour...
 
What do you get when you cross a redhead with an alley cat???

A peeping tom...
 
Inappropriate wedding music (the classical music edition - bottom ten)

Richard Strauss: The Dance Of the Seven Veils (appropriate for the bachelor party...just not the wedding)
Dimitri Shostakovich: Selections from the first movement of the Babi Yar Symphony (Unless it's Godzilla's wedding music for his bride - just before the reference of Anne Frank)
Hector Berlioz: Faust's descent into Hell (from The Damnation Of Faust)
Berlioz: March to the Scaffold (from the Symphonie Fantastique)
John Cage: 4:33 (Dude...you were stood up)
Richard Wagner: Prelude to Act 3 of Lohengrin (the music played BEFORE the Bridal Chorus)
Joseph Haydn: finale to the Farewell Symphony
Gustav Mahler: Titan Symphony 3rd movement
Leos Janacek: Organ solo from the Glagolitic Mass (You want to keep people in the chapel...not force the whole congregation to change their religion...)
Leonard Bernstein: I Feel Pretty (especially when played on bagpipes)
 
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A hillbilly named BillyBob got married to his childhood sweetheart, SallySue. After the wedding, BillyBob and his new bride SallySue went off to the big city for their honeymoon. They got to the hotel, and SallySue excused herself to go to the "water closet", so she could slip into her new sexy nighty. BillyBob got all excited, took off all his clothes, and hopped into bed. SallySue came out of the water closet, looking all purdy in her new nighty. BillyBob admired SallySue, who was lookin sexier than a polecat in heat, and said "Come on, baby! Let's make this marriage official!". SallySue said "Okay, baby! But be gentle with me! I ain't never done it before!". BillyBob's jaw dropped, and he leapt out of bed, threw on his clothes, ran out of the hotel room, got in the truck, and drove all the way home. When he got home, BillyBob's Dad was sitting in the living room. His Dad asked "What are you doing here, BillyBob? Why aint'cha on your honeymoon with SallySue?". BillyBob cried "it's terrible Pa! SallySue told me to be gentle with her, on account a her bein' a virgin!". BillyBob's Pa shook his head in disgust and said "ya done right, son! If SallySue ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours neither!". 😁😂
 
Two blondes were walking down a dirt path in the woods, when they came across a set of tracks. The first one stares at the tracks, and says "Those are deer tracks!". The second blonde says "nah, those are bear tracks!". They two blondes stood there arguing as to which one was right, until the train came along and ran them both over!
 
Two blondes walked into a bar. You'd think the first one would have warned the second one!
 

A salesman decided to venture into a new housing development...​

He thought no other salesmen would have gone there because it was a new development... He wanted to be the first one, the early bird... So he knocked on the very first house that he saw there... A lady came and opened the door... Without giving her a chance to speak...he slipped into her house...took out A LOT OF COW DUNG from his bag and threw it all over the new carpet...


He said 'See...I have a wonder vacuum cleaner... Watch this...I will clean this carpet without leaving the slightest odor... If I don't do it...I will eat every piece of this dung myself...' The lady asked...'Would you like some tomato sauce to go with it because we don't have electricity in the house...'
 
A stutterer gets a job selling books door to door... The boss is wary...but they're short on salesmen and he's willing to give it a shot...

On his first day...the new salesman comes in during lunch... "C-c-can I g-get some n-n-new B-Bibles... I'm out of st-t-stock..." he says...

The boss is flabbergasted... "How on Earth did you manage that???" he asks...

"S-simpl..." the man says... "When th-th-they opened th-the d-d-door I just a-asked them: d-d-do you wan-want to b-b-b-buy one or sh-shall I r-r-read it t-to you???"
 
Will the manager of the Braille league hockey team please get them off the ice???

They're beating the Sharks 6-0 in the second period...
 
Instead of bashing fans over the head with pans
Find a way to appreciate various hockey fans
Invite them over for Thanksgiving dinner
This shows in their hearts that you're a winner
In this manner of charity you can be said to be able
To have the biggest turkeys in the NHL at your table...
 
Two women went outside to fix their solar panel, but suddenly, they dropped their tool kit.

It usually would not have been a big deal, but it was outside the international space station.



















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NASA astronauts Jasmin Moghbeli (at left, in the spacesuit with red stripes) and Loral O'Hara are seen working outside of the International Space Station during the fourth-ever all-female spacewalk on Wednesday, Nov. 1, 2023. (Image credit: NASA TV)
www.space.com

Astronauts dropped a tool bag during an ISS spacewalk, and you can see it with binoculars

A tool bag that gave astronauts the slip during a spacewalk at the International Space Station is surprisingly bright and can be seen with binoculars.
www.space.com www.space.com
 
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There was a streaker who was running naked through the First Baptist Church last Sunday.

Luckily, there were two off duty police officers in the congregation that morning.

They chased him around, and finally grabbed him by the organ.
 
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A streaker tried to cross the road in Las Vegas and got hit by a car...

This is why they don't have any streakers during Formula 1...
 
I once stayed at this motel near a train station owned by this gorgeous redhead and her mother... Just when I thought the redhead and I were just starting to go beyond tenant/landlord...this train kept knocking me out of bed every hour on the hour... I was getting so fed up with the situation that I knocked on the landlord's door and asked the daughter to lay on the bed with me to show her what was happening firsthand...

She was definitely dressed for it in a delicious red see through negligee...

About two hours...her mother walked in and caught us sleeping together... Before her mother had a chance to open her mouth the daughter said..."It's all right Mom... We're trying to catch a train... He left the written complaint at the desk as well..."
 
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