The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat he found was one directly across from a well-dressed, middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip to the end of the train, he found himself once again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, but you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he might please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate."

The soldier didn't say anything else. Instead, he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 
Little Johnny remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy's one Christmas Eve...

Dad said..."What a marvellous train set... I'll buy it..."

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured... "Great, I'm sure your son will really love it."

Dad replied with a glint in his eye... "Maybe you're right... In that case I'll take two..."
 
The answer is:

(Opening the envelope Carnac style)

12 Drummers Drumming
11 Pipers Piping
10 Lords a Leaping
9 Ladies Dancing
8 Maids a Milking
7 Swans a Swimming
6 Geese a Laying
5 Gold Rings
4 Calling Birds
3 French Hens
2 Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree


Q: Who scored against the Sharks during their last game???
 
World's worst Christmas cards

Looking forward to seeing you here again next Christmas
Signed
Your friends at the friendly VD clinic...


My darling...I love you like no other
I hate to tell you this...I slept with your mother...


Our Christmas feelings may have led into a blur...
How the hell did I wind up in bed under your sister???


After all that fruitcake...eggnog and mistletoe
It just reminds me that you're my favorite ho...


How can I ignore such a beauty
When you're bouncing gently on my knee???
I wish that you knew
After the game's through
I'll show you true love after Kings hockey...


On the twelfth day of Christmas our agents just cannot wait
We have the order to repossess your house
And it's due to deadbeats like you that are nine months late...
Now go out and get a job...you louse...
Signed
Mom and Dad
 
My boss called me into his office this morning and said to me:

"Yesterday, I went to your office 3 times and you weren't there. I paged you 4 times and you never answered. I walked the floor, and you were nowhere to be seen. I looked in the parking lot and your car was gone. What do you have to say for yourself?"

I told him:

"Well sir, you know what they say, good employees are hard to find."
 
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out, man!
 
My brother-in-law bought his wife a car for Christmas... She said ‘that’s no good to me... I want something that will go from 0-160 in 3 seconds’... I bought her bathroom scales...
 
I Bought my wife a Jaguar for a birthday present and hid it in the garage... When I opened the door...it bit her head clean off!!!
 
What's the difference between an intelligent blonde and the Loch Ness Monster???

There have been sightings of the Loch Ness Monster!!!
 
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After the passing of the late Peter Schickele...I'll throw in a little ground round that he did under the pen name of P.D.Q. Bach...

Jane, my Jane
From The Art Of The Ground Round (S $1.09 lb)
By P.D.Q. Bach

Jane, my Jane you are my queen
For your hair is your crown
And your breath is like down
With your eyes black as nuns
And your face like the sun
You are my queen

(2nd and 3rd rounds same as the first but with little additions)
For your is your crown (that you remove when you retire)
And your breath is like down (wind of a compost heap on fire)
With your eyes black as nuns (like nuns they cross themselves each day)
And your face like the sun (set over Pittsburgh USA)
You are my queen (last round only) (for a day)...
 
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question...

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window... For a second, everything was quiet in the cab...

Then the driver said..."Look...mate...don't ever do that again... You scared the living daylights out of me!!!"


The passenger apologized and said..."I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much..."

The driver replied..."Sorry...it's not really your fault... Today is my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years..."
 
Just how many LGKers were on this flight???

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City... It was only discovered after take off...when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals...

So...the airline had bungled...and the crew was in a fix... However...one smart flight attendant had an idea... A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced,..

"Ladies and gentleman...we don't know how this happened...but we have over 400 people on board...but only 200 dinners... Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else...will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!!!"

Her next announcement came six hours later..."Ladies and gentlemen...if anyone wants to change their mind...we still have 180 dinners available...."
 
You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party...
 
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