The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

KickEm

KickEm

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Looks like the original thread got wiped out during the cleanup, so here we go:


What to you say when you are comforting a Grammar Nazi?

There, their, they're.
 
Once upon a time, I slept with your mother.
Good night Timmy
 
Here's an old one.

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
 
A guy goes to his doctor and says,"Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
 
I was in a pub the other night. Had a few brews when I noticed two rather large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them chirped: “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!”
So, I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
 
KickEm said:
Looks like the original thread got wiped out during the cleanup, so here we go:


What to you say when you are comforting a Grammar Nazi?

There, their, they're.
Click to expand...

It's their, they're, there.
 
After Jim finished converting to Judaism, the rabbi held out his hands over him and said three times, you are now a Jew.

A week later, the Rabbi saw Jim on a park bench stuffing himself with a bacon cheese burger, and gasped, telling him that as a Jew he isn't allowed to eat that.

"It's okay, Rabbi" said Jim. "Before I ate this burger, I held out my hands over it, and said three times, you are now kosher."

mhihi: :facepalm:
 
Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered.

The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends."

"Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."
 
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."

The man walked around the corner of the building. He was wearing a short-sleeved T-shirt, so he stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down. The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants to let the chicken stick its head out. The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
 
A sexy, well-endowed redhead was in an embarrassing situation, for her arms were filled with packages and she was wearing a dress too tight to allow her to step up into the bus. A crowd pressed from behind, and so she reached back, unobserved she hoped, and pulled down the zipper at the back of her dress. It didn't seem to work, so she reached again for the zipper and additional freedom, but again it was no use.

Then from out of the crowd, I picked her up and deposited her gently inside the bus.

"What right have you to pick me up like that?" she gasped. "Why I don't even know you."

"Well," I said, "after you pulled my zipper down the second time, I began to feel as though we were pretty good friends."
 
A neighbor heard the farmer to his left screaming in joy. He ran over to see the cause.

"I did it" the farmer proclaimed. "I finally finished this jigsaw puzzle and it only took me 6 1/2 weeks!"

"Is that good?" asked the neighbor.

"It must be" said the farmer. "On the box it says 2-4 years."
 
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
 
What condiment is also a declaration to your sweetheart that you have to use the restroom?
 
Mrs. Harris asks her students to come up with a sentence using the word "fascinate." Sally says, "Disneyland is fascinating."

"No," the teacher said. "I said fascinate."

Mary then tries by saying, "There is so much fascination with people when it comes to wild life."

Again, Mrs. Harris says, "No. The word is fascinate."

Billy then yells out, "My mom's boobs are so big she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her blouse!"
 
John: I like salmon, baked or fried.

Bill: What do you like, sober?
 
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied - "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
 
what's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

you can unscrew a light bulb.



(credit - My Blue Heaven)
 
A redhead rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, looked her up and down for a second, smiled and said, "Not bad."
 
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