The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "189."

"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The lady answers, "143."

"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "38."

Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the guy who wants Rob Blake's jersey retired!"
 
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."
 
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu, called himself "Buck."

Chu called himself "Chuck."

"Fu" decided to return to China...
 
Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."

Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop and was trying to catch up with me to give her back!"
 
You know your team is doing bad when a Salvation Army bell ringer offers YOU his kettle...

(And WHY did it have to be Steve Ott's father-in-law when I did it last year???)
 
A married man is approaching his 25 year annivery and because he loves his wife very much, he tells her he will take her for a vacation anywhere in the world. So she tells him she would like to go to Israel; always wanted to see the holy land. So the husband says OK, and then she says, "but we need to take my mother along with us."

The husband has never liked or gotten along with his MIL, but, as I said, he loves his wife very much, so he acquieses. So all three of them go to Israel and are having a lovely time seeing all the sites until the mother all of a sudden collapses from heart failure and despite thd Isareli doctors' best efforts, she dies.

So the hospital tells him they can make arrangements with an funeral home to have the MIL buried in Israel, at a cost of $500. Or, arrangements could be made to have the body shipped hom to America, and by the time all the fees are paid, it would be about $5,000. The husband says, "I'd rather have her buried in America."

"Wait", the hospital rep says, "You'd rather go to the expense of shipping your MIL home when you could bury her here for far less money? Why is that?"

The husband replies, "Well, you see, a while back you had a guy who died, was buried, but came back to life after 3 days, and I don't want to take any chances!"
 
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
 
I was shopping for a Christmas present for my niece and decided to get her a doll...

I picked up one with red hair...held her and squeezed her until she cried out "MAMA!"...

I picked up a second one with red hair...held her and squeezed her until she cried out "DADDY!"...

I picked up a third one with red hair...held her and squeezed her until she cried out "SECURITY!!!"...
 
A dude calls 911...

Dude: "I think my wife is dead"

Dispatcher: "God that's terrible news sir, but what make you think she's dead"

Dude: "Well I don't know....the sex is the same...but....the ironing is starting to pile up".
 
The board members of a catsup company were wowed by their new billboard. It showed a smart husbandly type seated before a delectable steak in a smart restaurant. A pretty young waitress was handing him a bottle of catsup.

They decided the title, ?What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don?t?? was too suggestive, so they changed it to ?He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home??
 
Teacher: Jimmy, if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Jimmy: Seven.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Jimmy: Seven.

Teacher: Okay... let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Jimmy: Six.

Teacher: Good. So let's try this again. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Jimmy: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the hell are you getting seven from?!?!?

Jimmy: Because I have one at home!!!
 
A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!"

"I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?"
 
It's nearly Christmas and I've never seen so many shopping bags... There were some pretty girls too...
 
This happened during my first year with the kettles...and it wasn't at the Smith's I normally ring at...but my first (and final) year on the Strip (except for that one day of troubleshooting duties I had to do the following year and that cured me of the Strip for good)...

There were six mounted policemen on horseback going past my kettle... I took a drink of water at the same time this sadistic little kid (about four or five years old) yelled out...

"MOMMY!!! WHY ARE THERE 12 ASSES ON THOSE HORSES???"

The water shot straight out of my nose and almost got the kid... I also had to turn my back to avoid having those policemen seeing me cracking up after nearly choking on the water... For the next hour and a half I was trying to concentrate on the kettle instead of that stupid kid...and was failing miserably...
 
Thank you, meatloaf, for being only a slightly more appetizing name than "protein wad." -Jimmy Fallon
 
Q: What's black, and sits at the top of the stairs?







A: Stephen Hawking in a house fire.
 
The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.. The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks.. Ten men down, and the piper plays on... Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out. Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can ye not play something they like?"
 
An elderly man had a stroke and his family drove him to the emergency room...

After a while a surgeon comes out wearing a long face... "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain dead...but his heart is still beating..."

"Oh...Dear God..." cried his wife... "We never had a Ducks fan in the family before..."
 
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