The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Drop an ant in the water, if it sinks: Girl Ant. If it floats: Boy Ant.
 
What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
 
Smoking will kill you...

Bacon will kill you...

But smoking bacon will cure it

:grin:
 
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."

He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle."

He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"


His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
 
This cute redhead of a therapist saw me yesterday and asked me if I wanted anything...

Without missing a beat...I said...a kiss...
 
An anesthetist went to a blood bank to donate blood...

The nurse stuck him with the needle and he screamed out in pain...

The nurse shot back "This is coming from a man who causes people to pass out!!!"...
 
A guy walks into a fish and chips shop with a cod under his arm...

“Hey, do you sell Fish Cakes???”

The shop guy says “No”...

“Shame to hear that...it's his birthday today”...
 
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I saw a sign while hunting a few years ago that read "if you sight a leopard...shoot it on the spot..."
 
You know what I want to see just once...a suicide bomber instructor...

"All right men...pay attention...I?m only going to show you this once..."
 
A young Irish boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he calls home.

"Dad" he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog, Jack, how to talk!"
"That's amazing, "his father says. "How do I get Jack in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $10,000" the young boy says " and I'll get him in the course."
So his father sends the dog and $10,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home. "So how's Jack doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read ??"says his father. "No kidding! How do we get Jack in that program?"
"Just send $20,000, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog!!!

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Jack? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad" the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jack was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does. Then Jack turned to me and asked,

"So, is your father still having an affair with that pretty lady Rachel who lives down the street ?"

The father went white and exclaimed "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, dad!
"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school and is now a politician.
 
What do you get when you cross a moron and an idiot???

A Golden Knights fan...
 
A nurse and a doctor in the same hospital flirted with each other for a couple of months and finally went on their first date...

Both of them drank heavily and wound up naked in her bed...

She told him that "I can guess your specialty from the way we had sex..."

He took her up on the offer...

"You must be an anesthesiologist!!!"

He said..."How did you manage to guess that was my specialty???"

She said "For starters...I barely felt a thing!!!"
 
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A guy told his friend "This is the last time I get a vasectomy at Harbor Freight... Every time I got an erection'...my garage door opens..."
 
What is the difference between a Tkachuk and a sewer rat???

The rats hate being compared to Tkachuk...
 
When two vegans fight, it is not considered a beef.

It is considered a beet down.
 
I heard that Irish Spring tried to sponsor the Edmonton Oilers... They pulled out when they realized there wasn't enough soap in their entire inventory to even take the first layer of dirt off...
 
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Times sure have changed. Years ago folks used to say "a penny for your thoughts." Today psychiatrists charge $200.00 an hour to learn what's on your mind.



What do you give a man who has everything?












Antibiotics.

:homer:
 
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