The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

Christmas Eve at my Salvation Army post at the Smith's...two workmen were coming in with a mirror to replace one in the men's room... Before I had a chance to open my mouth...the store manager...just coming in the store...yelled while pointing at me...

DON'T DROP THAT MIRROR OR HE'LL BE HERE ANOTHER SEVEN YEARS!!!

He WOULD steal my joke...
 
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:facepalm:
 
Husband and wife are fast asleep.
Suddenly, the wife wakes up mad and wakes up her husband.
"I had a dream and you were terrible to me"..."why, what did I do?"
"We were driving in the middle of nowhere and you stopped the car and kicked me out and drove away"
"go back to sleep, I'll come pick you up"
 
New Secret Service names for Pres Trump and the 1st lady have been leaked to the press. "Heads up team, Bada$$ and Centerfold are on the move..."
 
A guy was meeting a friend at a restaurant, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty gals looking at him.

He heard one gal say to the other, ?Nine.?

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered to the table and told his buddy the women had just rated him a nine out of ten.

?Sorry to burst your bubble,? said his friend, ?but when I walked in they were speaking German.?
 
Three mischievous boys skipped school and instead went to the zoo for an outing.

They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo-security officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, ?Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.?

The second added, ?My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.?

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said, ?I'm Peanuts??
 
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

?I?ve just discovered the 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!? the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, ?Bring him in. We?ll check it out.?

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. ?You were right about the mummy?s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know??

?Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ?1,000,000 shekels on Goliath.'?
 
There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza. For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush to fulfill their greatest desires.
After about a half an hour of rustling around in the bushes they emerge, panting and sweaty.
"Wow" says the one statue, "that was amazing" "A dream come true" says the other "but we've got a half an hour left, what should we do now?" "I know, lets switch positions" the first responds "this time I'll hold the pigeon down while you crap on it"
 
A State Police Officer is sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. He is not having any luck until he sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”

Because he wants to make sure everyone is safe, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. As the young spritely State Police Officer approaches the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

Although he is a young man, the State Police officer has seen a lot during his time on the force, but not this. Trying to contain a chuckle, he explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. She promises never to make the same mistake again.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
 
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs.

So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
 
How can you tell when Corey Perry is in the desert???

The buzzards are flying over him with one wing over their eyes...
 
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.
Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
 
During a flight, a pilot who was going on vacation was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "My goodness, that's a good looking baby ... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that during the flight, the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The pilot sadly shook his head, and in true United Airline pilot fashion exclaimed, "And to think all these years, I've been chewing bubblegum."
 
A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational!
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.'
'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
 
Justin Bieber was on a United flight and the stewardess came out and said "If you don't give us one million dollars...we'll have Justin Bieber sing for you"...

At last count they raised more than $25 million...
 
After United Airlines killed a giant rabbit they came up with a new slogan...

It used to be
United Airlines: Best Chinese Take Out In the World...

NOW it's
United Airlines: We Kill Bugs...DEAD!!!
 
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A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann?s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico but as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
 
New Cocktail being served at the PPG Arena in Pittsburgh.

"The Ovechkin"

A White Russian without a cup
 
One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it?s been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, ?Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
 
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