The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP ?Make America Great Again? cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn?t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn?t seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, "Thank you!!"

Frustrated that he can?t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I?ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
 
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A young boy on his way to school one morning passed the outhouse by the pond behind his home.

All of a sudden he got a wild urge to push the outhouse into the pond, so with a running start he knocked it over and watched it roll a few times then slowly sink under the surface as he ran off toward school.

In class that day, they learned about how George Washington cut down the cherry tree, but when confronted about it he told his father the truth and thus did not get a whipping for the deed. So he decided to use this strategy if questioned about the outhouse when he got home.

As he approached his house, he saw his father on the porch brandishing a big switch.

When he got close enough his father said, ?Boy, I?m only gonna ask this one time ? what do you know about the outhouse getting pushed into the pond??

The boy swallowed hard and said, ?Dad, just as George Washington cut down the cherry tree, but decided to tell the truth, I must admit to you that I pushed the outhouse into the pond.?

With that his father grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and began to give him a good ole country whippin?.

The boy cried out, ?But Dad, George Washington?s dad didn?t whip him!?

?Yes son,? the father replied, ?that is true, but George Washington?s dad was not IN the cherry tree when he cut it down!?
 
Hanging in the hallway at the high school are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year ? ?62-63,? ?63-64,? ?64-65,? etc.

One day the principal spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos.

Turning to him, the teen said, ?Isn?t it strange how the teams always lost by one point??
 
A chauffeur worked for a wealthy woman who took her cat with her on rides.

The driver often dropped the woman off at a mall before going to the gas station to fill up the limosine. The cat would remain in the limo, lying down on the top of the back seat.

The gas station attendant often glanced at the unusual passenger. One day he asked: ?Sir, is that cat someone important??
 
A co-worker just told me this, and I'm seriously going to try to get this guy fired.

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I couldn't figure out what they were laced with, and ended up tripping on them all day."
 
A month ago...two Ducks fans bet each other $50 on who can stay underwater the longest...

Three weeks later...the police are still searching for their bodies...
 
A farmer and his wife were dressed and ready to go out dancing for the evening with a couple who had just moved in down the road. They turned the answering machine on, put the cat in the back yard and waited on the neighbors to pick them up.

The neighbors arrived but as the couple opened the front door to leave, the cat scooted back into the house. That was a problem because the cat always tried to eat the parakeet. The wife went on out and got into the car while her husband went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs with the man in hot pursuit. A little on the paranoid side, the wife didn?t want the new neighbors to know the house would be empty. She explained that her husband would be out soon. ?He?s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.?

A few minutes later, the husband got into the car. ?Sorry I took so long,? he said as they drove away. ?She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me while I dragged her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!?
 
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"S**t," shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.
 
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
 
Two guys are in a health club, one is putting on a bra.

"Since when do you wear a bra?"

"Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my car!"
 
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times.

When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
 
?Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I?m about to get picked up for a blind date ? can you call me in a half hour just in case it?s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We?ll speak.?

Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror and headed outside to wait for the guy.

Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed.

Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, ?I feel terrible, but my grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now.?

?No problem!? said her date with a big grin, ?In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!?
 
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his back yard, hooting like an owl.

One night, an owl called back to him. For six years, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the ?conversation.?

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor.

?My husband spends his nights ? calling out to owls,? she said.

?That?s odd,? the neighbor replied. ?So does my husband.?
 
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Whoza talkin' about sexa? I'ma just tellin my frienda how to spella Missisippi.

[h=2][/h]
 
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