The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
 
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RockPile said:
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Whoza talkin' about sexa? I'ma just tellin my frienda how to spella Missisippi.
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Trying to make sense of that English is hard. lol
 
An old priest was dying.
He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the Rectory.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old guy mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
 
A Greek and an Italian were chatting one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek Said, "We have Olympus"
The Italian Said, "We have the Coliseum"

The Greek Said, "We gave the world Plato and Aristotle"
The Italian Said, "We gave them Cato and Marcus Aurelius"

The Greek Said, "We had Alexander the Great"
The Italian Said, "We had Caesar and the Roman Empire"

And so the debate went on and on until finally they agreed on something:

The Greek Said, "We invented sex"
The Italian Said, " That is true, But it was the Italians who introduced it to women"
 
3 reform Judaism rabbis were arguing about whose temple was the most progressive. The first one said, "In my temple, we have ashtrays by the seats since we allow members to smoke in the temple."

"Oh, yeah?" The third rabbi said. 'In our temple we serve snacks which happen to be ham sandwiches!"

"That's nothing! The third rabbi said. "In my temple, when Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur arrive, we place a sign outside the temple letting our members know: We're close for the holidays!"


That's pretty reformed all right, haha. ;)
 
How many Ducks fans does it take to change a light bulb???

None...

They cry till their mommy does it for them...
 
A Ducks fan goes in a police lineup for identification by a woman who was raped...

He yelled and pointed..."THAT'S HER!!!"...
 
This happened during my first year ringing at the Smith's and also happened to be one of perfect timing of a joke AND a flawless Jeff Foxworthy impersonation including that redneck dialect to boot...

Inspection day was there and one of the baggers/cart retrievers asked the following question...

"There's a dead pigeon in the parking lot... What should I do???"

Without missing a beat I gave him the answer as Foxworthy would... "Notify the deli and tell 'em to far up the rotisserie..."

I knew I was in trouble when I heard laughter behind me... It was one of the inspectors... He was in tears from laughing so hard... He took me aside and said "That was so wrong on so many levels...but it was funny as hell..." Then he put a $20 bill in my kettle...

13 years later...neither will look at me without cracking up...and that bagger is now the produce manager...and the inspector announced to me that he will be retiring in March...
 
There were some nice things said about the wind yesterday at my kettle...

If it blows any harder...it would be wearing a Corey Perry jersey...

The same joke also applied by substituting Anaheim Ducks for Perry...an hour later...

And a certain bell ringer we all know in love with this one...

Got a fruitcake I can borrow so I can weigh down this stand???
 
I once reviewed a sneak peek of The Santa Clause 2...and this mother with her four year old son stole the show... That kid actually said out loud what I was thinking... I gladly put that kid's remark in my review as the headline...

"Mommy...Is Santa REALLY that stupid???"
 
I think Santa is getting nastier by the year... Instead of coal (or toys)...he's leaving fruitcake to the kids on the naughty list...

If he was really going to get even nastier...he would be giving them gift cards from Taco Bell...
 
Atop The Christmas Tree: The Legend Of the Angel

At about the middle of one Christmas Season in the mid 1800, Santa was in the worst funk he had ever experienced. All the elves had the mumps, Mrs. Claus was having one of her migraines that had lasted for weeks, all the reindeer had contracted thrush in their hooves and the jolly old fat man was not too jolly and fat as he had not gotten used to his new false teeth and had hardly eaten all year.
He was in the worst mood ever and was decided to cancel his Christmas eve ride. He consoled himself as he chewed on his pipe will sitting in his chair by the fire, when he heard a hard knock at the door. "come in he said". Nothing happened. After a few minutes there was another knock, louder than the first. "Come in" he bellowed, "the door is unlocked" Again, nothing happened and Santa is now getting pissed thinking that someone was messing with him. After several minutes more, hammering so loud that the door was shaken on its hinges came. As mad as he had ever been, Santa jumped up from his chair and stomped to the door and threw it open to the sight of a seven foot tall Christmas Tree held up by a tiny one foot tall Angel from below. With Santa sneering at the little angel, she looked up and asked. "So Santa, where do you want me to put this tree this year"?
 
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
 
One recent evening, Hayward and his two friends are talking at a bar.

The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed."

The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed."

Hayward says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both of his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed," says Hayward.
 
Two Ducks fans went deer hunting and shot a deer... The two hunters were dragging their dead deer by its hind legs back to their truck...

Another hunter...a Kings fan...approached pulling his along too....

?Hey...I don?t want to tell you how to do something?but I can tell you that it?s much easier if you drag the deer the other way... This way the antlers won?t dig into the ground...?

After the third hunter left...the two decided to try it...

A little while later one hunter said to the other...?You know, that guy was right... This is a lot easier!!!?

?Yeah...but we?re getting farther from the truck...? the other added...
 
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