The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II
- Thread starter KickEm
- Start date
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea... “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a homecooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.
“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.”
His mother had an idea... “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a homecooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.
“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.”
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, ?When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don?t love me any more.?
?Nonsense, darling,? replied the husband, ?you just cook better now.?
?Nonsense, darling,? replied the husband, ?you just cook better now.?
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
Paraphrased from Billy Graham's testimonial made at Dean Martin's roast of Bob Hope...
Hope is honest about everything...except his golf scores... One day Bob and the Reverend Graham were paired off during a charity golf event... At the end Hope asked Billy to sign his score card...
Billy said "I refuse to do so under the 9th Commandment 'Thou shalt not bear false witness...'"...
Bob then signed Billy's name on his card stating that "There is no commandment that says 'Thou shalt not commit forgery'..."...
Hope is honest about everything...except his golf scores... One day Bob and the Reverend Graham were paired off during a charity golf event... At the end Hope asked Billy to sign his score card...
Billy said "I refuse to do so under the 9th Commandment 'Thou shalt not bear false witness...'"...
Bob then signed Billy's name on his card stating that "There is no commandment that says 'Thou shalt not commit forgery'..."...
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a Sharks fan, a Kings fan, and a Ducks fan, and they get captured by some Amazons.
The head of the tribe says to the Sharks fan, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The Sharks fan responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the Sharks fan has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the Sharks fan away, and say to the Ducks fan, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Ducks fan, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the
Kings fan.
He responds, "I'll take the Ducks fan!"
The head of the tribe says to the Sharks fan, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The Sharks fan responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the Sharks fan has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the Sharks fan away, and say to the Ducks fan, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Ducks fan, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the
Kings fan.
He responds, "I'll take the Ducks fan!"
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orpheus
The Dolphin Cares!
So there was some dude sitting in a bar alone just staring at the glass in front of his for hours. And then, some good for nothing drunk comes in, sees him, walks by, takes his glass and drinks it.
The man then starts to cry.
The good for nothing drunk feels bad and tells him, "Hey, I was just messing with you. I'll buy you another drink!"
"Oh, it's not that," the man replies. "It's just that I've had the worst day today! I woke up sick. Then on my way to work, the train was malfunctioning, so I was late to work. My boss, who was going crazy for some reason, took it on me, and then fired me. After going home, I caught my wife cheating with one of my friends!"
"And so, I have just been sitting here thinking that I should end it," continued the man. "But, now, I can't even do that since you just drank my poison!"
The man then starts to cry.
The good for nothing drunk feels bad and tells him, "Hey, I was just messing with you. I'll buy you another drink!"
"Oh, it's not that," the man replies. "It's just that I've had the worst day today! I woke up sick. Then on my way to work, the train was malfunctioning, so I was late to work. My boss, who was going crazy for some reason, took it on me, and then fired me. After going home, I caught my wife cheating with one of my friends!"
"And so, I have just been sitting here thinking that I should end it," continued the man. "But, now, I can't even do that since you just drank my poison!"
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
King Solomon wasn't really that wise...
What wise man would want 700 mothers-in-in-law???
What wise man would want 700 mothers-in-in-law???
J
JETS GARAGE
Lurker
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid the hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Shaken and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I?ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I?m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
"I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the
Bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of
boobs I?ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
Shaken and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I?ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I?m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
"I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the
Bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of
boobs I?ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
J
JETS GARAGE
Lurker
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonay.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonay.
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
One of my favorite romantic songs written by one Gerald Wiley...
It Don't Mean That I Don't Love You
Now just listen to me, darling
What I say to you is true
If you really want to leave me
That's entirely up to you
But believe me when I tell you
I am really not to blame
All your silly fears are groundless
I still love you just the same.
CHORUS
It don't mean that I don't love you
Just because we never speak
And I never give you presents -
Take you swimming in the creek;
Just because I hate your cooking
Oh, please don't get in a stew -
Just because I'm not your grandma,
Doesn't mean that I don't love you.
It don't mean that I don't love you
When I punch you in the nose
And go out with other women
Never buy you any clothes.
How can we remain together
With so many ifs and buts?
It don't mean that I don't love you-
But my wife - she hates your guts.
It Don't Mean That I Don't Love You
Now just listen to me, darling
What I say to you is true
If you really want to leave me
That's entirely up to you
But believe me when I tell you
I am really not to blame
All your silly fears are groundless
I still love you just the same.
CHORUS
It don't mean that I don't love you
Just because we never speak
And I never give you presents -
Take you swimming in the creek;
Just because I hate your cooking
Oh, please don't get in a stew -
Just because I'm not your grandma,
Doesn't mean that I don't love you.
It don't mean that I don't love you
When I punch you in the nose
And go out with other women
Never buy you any clothes.
How can we remain together
With so many ifs and buts?
It don't mean that I don't love you-
But my wife - she hates your guts.
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $200!"
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $200!"
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
Three prisoners, a Dallas Stars fan, a LA Kings fan, and a Ducks fan, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.
They bring out the Stars fan and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the Stars fan runs away.
Next, they place the Kings fan in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the Kings fan escapes.
Next up is the Ducks fan. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
They bring out the Stars fan and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the Stars fan runs away.
Next, they place the Kings fan in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the Kings fan escapes.
Next up is the Ducks fan. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
JWR
TEAM LGK
The Origin of the White Wedding Dress
A son asked his mother the following question:
' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:
' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
(He'll be out of intensive care shortly)
A son asked his mother the following question:
' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:
' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
(He'll be out of intensive care shortly)
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
Remember the IRS this Mother's Day and send them a card to show them that you care...
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
Don't make me break out this stinko de Mayo joke again...
http://letsgokings.com/showthread.p...read-Part-II?p=3239492&viewfull=1#post3239492
http://letsgokings.com/showthread.p...read-Part-II?p=3239492&viewfull=1#post3239492
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
Alex Faust and Jim Fox are bungee-jumping one day.
Faust says to Fox. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
Fox thinks this is a great idea, so they two pool their money and buy everything they?ll need ? a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
Faust jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Fox notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Fox isn?t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Fox misses him.
Faust falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up ? he?s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Fox finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Faust says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
Faust says to Fox. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
Fox thinks this is a great idea, so they two pool their money and buy everything they?ll need ? a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
Faust jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Fox notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Fox isn?t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Fox misses him.
Faust falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up ? he?s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Fox finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Faust says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans defeating the French... Everybody else calls it Saturday...
