The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

Two dogs are walking along a street.
They are passed by a third dog driving a logging truck.
One dog turns to the other and says "He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there."
 
Ways to tell if your country club has been taken over by the mafia

You got to be a union member to join now...
New rule: Machine guns must be carried in golf bag at all times
Jimmy Hoffa found in the sand trap near the 10th hole
Sign in clubhouse reading "If you breaka da course record we breaka you knees"
Hits made on course count as strokes...IF done with golf clubs
Instead of yelling FORE you fire a machine gun in the air
Penalties for placing dead bodies out in the open
Dirty cops allowed to play on course
Republicans refused entrance to course
You suddenly find out the brakes on your golf cart don't work
Beware of exploding golf balls
Frank Sinatra muzak system in clubhouse
Your caddy's name is Guido
You never see anyone placing golf bags in the trunks of their cars anymore
Golf cart starters hired instead of caddies
Italian curses placed on the ball when missing a one foot putt
Balls are used for target practice at the driving range
The groundskeepers go into the witness relocation program
You can now shoot the ball with a machine gun after missing putts under three feet without taking a penalty
They start placing hits on people that don't replace their divots
The Teamsters Open
Bribes will lower your golf score
People hired to take opponent's knees out with golf clubs
Golf trophy resembles a horse's head
The new course record is 15 on an 18 hole course set by Nunzio
There are more holes in your opponents than on the course
You are thrown out for being a government informant
You have to move the body before placing your golf bag in the trunk...
 
My wife was a horrible cook...

I can't recall anyone else that can make a PB&J sandwich taste like it was cremated six times over...
 
I sent a friend a Travoltagram the other day... He knocks on your door...looks confused for 30 minutes and leaves...
 
In the spirit of Red Buttons doing a Dean Martin roast...

Why are we giving a dinner for this guy when there are people in history more deserving who NEVER got a dinner...

Dolly Parton's son...Golly Parton...whose first words were..."This is all for ME???"... NEVER got a dinner...

King Solomon who once said "I only took 700 wives to save the rest of you from 700 mothers- in-law..." Not so wise...but NEVER got a dinner...

George Speri Sperti...the inventor of Preparation H while asking a clerk at the patent office..."You want me to stick this patent WHERE???"...NEVER got a dinner...

Dimitri Shostakovich when asked if he could write an opera about Don Rickles said..."This will be impossible because I can't write notes that low..." NEVER got a dinner...
 
I ran into one of my high school's principals the other day...and he still remembers me from an incident that led me to his office in 1985...

I butted heads with a few teachers...mostly English teachers...because their classes were extremely boring and repetitive... One of those teachers assigned an essay of "Why I love/hate (fill in the blank)" due the next morning... Sure my 20 page single spaced typed copy of "Why I hate this class" (which I also had to recite in front of the class) got me in trouble enough the principal had to get involved...

The principal had her as a teacher when he was here... He said "She's still not assigning that stupid love/hate essay again is she???"...

"Why do you think that???"

"I average one or two comedians a year off that thing alone... From the bulk of this one...it looks like she really got ticked off at you..."

"Yeah... I didn't even get past page two when she ordered me to see you..."

"Okay... Let's see how bad it is..."

He went through all 20 pages and was in tears and on the floor laughing himself silly around page 8...

"My God... This is the funniest one that I've read in 22 years...but you're missing a few things..." He then added six more pages to the essay as an afterword and added a one page introduction to get everyone in the mood... We both dedicated the book to the most boring and humorless teachers in the history of education... HIS WORDS not mine...

We published it and sold all 1500 autographed copies to fund our new music program as well as building the new auditorium... The English teacher retired a year after I graduated...but I hope she bought one of the books...
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Guys like you keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. It?s because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee"?
 
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops. They all hide in a barn.

The brunette hides with the pigs, the red head hides with the horses and the blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes. The cops enter the barn and shine a flash light on the pigs, the brunette says "oink oink" and the cops move on. The cops shine their flash lights on the horses, the red head goes "neigh neigh". Finally the cops shine a light on the sack of potatoes and the blond says " potato potato".
 
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.

Finally, it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

?What?s going on?? she yells out the window.

?Cow on the track!? replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, ?What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again??
 
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
 
Favourite Pub

"As good as this bar is, " said the Scotsman,
"I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's
a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll
buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus, " said the Englishman, "At
my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you
your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin', " said Paddy
Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite
pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll
take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me-self, personally, no, " admitted
the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite
a few times."
 
I got a job as a young lad as a bagger at the supermarket. One day, the store put in a machine for squeezing oranges.
I asked my boss if I could work on the machine.
"Sorry," he said, "baggers can't be juicers."

Later that day, I loaded up some bags for a pretty lady, the lady and I proceeded out to the parking lot.
On our way out, she says, in a low, soft voice, " I have an itchy cooter". A few more steps, again, " I have an itchy cooter".
I'm sorry lady, but, I can't tell the difference between all these new foreign cars, you'll have to point it out.
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son again.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching Stormy Daniels movies."

Dad says," What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were."

The robot slaps the father!

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
 
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Gallagher and Carrot Top are in the hospital...

They're doing a study on laughter being the best medicine and needed them for the control group...
 
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