The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

An American tourist was visiting Australia when he was involved in an accident. The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked “Did you bring me here to die?”

The orderly replied “No mate. We brought you in yesterday”.
 
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
 
My worst job was as a MC at a karaoke bar... For someone who believes that karaoke is the Japanese word meaning "tone deaf"...it didn't help the stereotype I gave it...but it was much worse than even I ever imagined... These are some of my highlight zingers after hearing those particular performances... I'm also surprised that I'm still in one piece after those on mic reviews...

SWEET HOME ALABAMA - I just got a call from Alabama's governor... He's proposing legislation to change the state's name after hearing this performance...

GOD BLESSED TEXAS - That sounded like it was sung by a demon from Hell...

MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME - After hearing this...I fear they just condemned it...

GOD BLESS THE USA - That's it... I'm moving to Scotland... At least the bagpipes can drown this garbage out...

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' - Freddy Krueger sends his condolences...

I LOVE LA - You sang that like you were trying to get a bad taste out of your mouth... Do you live in Anaheim by any chance???

NEW YORK NEW YORK - The Indians made an offer to buy it back...but only if you stop singing...

TAKE MY HAND PRECIOUS LORD - He's got both hands over his ears and you want him to take your hand???

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? - You're going to be lonely for the next 50 years after singing that...

DON'T BE CRUEL - There's got to be an 8th Amendment violation for inflicting this upon the public...
 
Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?"

"Senor, It's only sand." replies Jose.

"Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analyzed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.

Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.

Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"

"Sand," says Jose.

A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.

For three whole years this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Tijuana.

"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For three years it's driven me nuts. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"

Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."
 
As a bell ringer for THE Salvation Army in Las Vegas...I do get a lot of strange situations happen around me... I forgot if this incident happened three or four kettle seasons ago...but it does involve one of the strangest days there...and glad it didn't happen to me... I just hope this never happened with SloMo26 while he was on active duty...

Metro was called in for an incident at the Smith's that I rang at (well...still do)...and he found himself locked out of his own cruiser for about four hours when he got back...

Imagine the poor ringer that had to witness this AND try to not laugh at the situation...yet failing miserably... Yet...as a former stand up comic...I was poking fun at the situation as well... It just couldn't be helped...

I think the moment I lost it was when the firemen came in the store when the cop asked for their help to get in his vehicle... One fireman yelled back "USE YOUR GUN!!!"...

Trust me...I couldn't stop laughing for an hour and a half after that...and had to turn my back on that poor cop for the next two hours to hopefully have him NOT think that I was laughing at him...

What was funnier was that it was the rookie cop that asked the stupid question to me at the kettle...and the final straw with me wearing those stupid I AM A BELL RINGER aprons a few years earlier...
 
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It's time to recycle those leftover holiday fruitcakes. That's right, you can have your cake and use it too*. Just consider the possibilities:

Pothole filler.
Book case.
Shot put.
Hitching tow.
Skeet.
Speed bump.
Barbecue (cheaper than the ones made with inferior brick).
Boat anchor.
Saw in half and use as bookends.
Flower press.
Decorative driveway/sidewalk.
Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them on enemy.
Chopping block.
Teach your dog to play dead FOR YEARS.
Sledge hammer.
Paper weight.
Bed warmer (heat to 350?F).
Ice pack (chilled for 12 hours).
Wrecking ball.
Dent-proof bumpers.
Tombstone.
Christmas tree stand.
Scratching post for your cat.
Salvation Army kettle stand weight.
Slice to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
Use as sand bags during flood season.
Railroad ties.
Bowling pins.
Save for next summer's garage sale (slice thin enough so they can pass as kitchen tiles).
Pin cushion.

*User assumes all liability for busted toes, hernias, and other medical ailments resulting therefrom.

- adapted from an article written by Suzanne James for America West Airlines Magazine.

(I felt she left some things out and decided to update it... LVC)
 
I ran into an old friend the other day...

Halfway through the conversation I mentioned that I was half German and half Scot...

"So... THAT'S why you're such a cheap kraut!!!" he said...

Well...I have a NEW set of friends now...
 
I know a few of us have problems with telemarketers and other scam artists... My favorite two ways to get rid of them are the following...but #2 is best over a cell phone...

1) An air horn blasted in the phone...
2) (works best with a Sicilian dialect)
Pretend you're arguing with a hit man named Vinnie... After about three or four minutes...act agitated and yell "YOU HID THE BODY WHERE???" Then hang up...
 
Remember to tip your waitress...

BUT...how you mistook her for a cow might take some very serious explanation...
 
A gorgeous rehead came to me and said..."Do you want to join the Alex Faust Fan Club???"

I said "I really don't want to join the Alex Faust Fan Club..."

She said..."If you decide to join...you get a tie pin and it only costs fifty dollars..."

Again I said "Please leave me alone... I don't want to join the Alex Faust Fan Club..."

She kissed me...hugged me and started nibbling on my ear...

After two hours of this I told her "All right...I'll join that stupid club..."

"Okay Honey... Here's your tie pin...and here's your fifty dollars..."
 
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