The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

a man walks into a bar, sits down and asks about the wifi.

bartender: you need to buy a drink first.

man: ok. I'll have a beer.

bartender: here you go. six dollars please.

man pays up, takes a swig, then says: so, about the wifi?

bartender: you need to buy a drink first. all lower case, no spaces.
 
I go into a restaurant, sit down at a table and an attractive young red-haired waitress comes for my order. I give her a smile and says, "I want a quickie."

She turns red in the face and ahems, "Sir, I don't know what kind of restaurant you're used to eating in, but I can assure you you're not going to get a quickie here!"

"How disappointing," I replied. "Could you ask the chef to make an exception?"

"He doesn't have anything to do with it!" says the waitress indignantly.

"Hmmm," do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?"

"I'm SURE I don't know," answers the waitress loudly.

A patron from the next table leans over and taps me on the shoulder, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."
 
I'm going to rewrite a joke I did earlier...because I forgot two words...and will substitute another comedian (one that I mentioned was putting more people to sleep than NyQuil at the kettle) for Gallagher...



Carrot Top was in the hospital today...

They were holding a study on whether laughter really is the best medicine and they needed a placebo for the control group...
 
Dave walks into a bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled on the bar ,depressed .Dave walks over and asks Jeff what’s wrong.

” Well ,” replies Jeff,” you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out ,but I got a hard on every time I saw her?”.

“ Yes “, replies Dave with a smile .

” Well ,” says Jeff ,straightening up ,” I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out,and she agreed”.

That’s Great !”. says Dave ,” When are you going out?”.

” I went to meet her this evening “, continues Jeff,” But I was worried I’d get a stiffy again. So I got some tape and taped my dick to my leg,so if I did it wouldn’t show”.

“ Sensible “, Says Dave.”

"So I get to her door”, says Jeff,” and I rang the doorbell. she answered it in the shortest skirt I have ever seen “.

“ And What happened then?”.

Jeff huddles over the bar again.” I Kicked Her In The Face “.
 
What do Rob Blake...PLD and a clumsy flapjack cook have in common???

They're all useless tossers...
 
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As I was watching my cat chase his tail...I thought that cats were easily amused...

Then I realized that I was watching my cat chase his tail...
 
Two Golden Knights fans were getting married at one of the wedding chapels...and the groom asked the minister... "Is it all right if we can wait for my parents... They're stuck in traffic..."

The minister...without missing a beat said..."Sure...I specialize in double weddings..."...
 
Old-couple-are-sitting-on-the-porch.jpg
 
I wouldn't say that Logan Couture's got big teeth but...

He has to get planning permission every time he goes to visit the dentist...
To clean his teeth...it takes the same team that did the Hatten Garden jewelry heist...
When his wife had their first child...the tooth fairy filed for bankruptcy...
Couture started brushing his teeth ten years ago...and he's nearly finished...
When Couture got married...his bride wanted to ride in a horse drawn carriage to church...but had to drop the idea so as not to confuse the photographer...
Couture is one of the most followed hockey players in history...mostly by ivory poachers...
They have to bring in the Deepwater Horizon every time he needs to have his teeth cleaned...
At summer solstice millions of druids make a pilgrimage to his mouth to dance...
When Couture was born...the doctor mistook him for a runaway beaver...
When the tooth fairy first visited him as a kid...the first thing he did was buy a car...
 
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A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes...

?How do they feel???? asks the sales clerk....

?Well...they feel a bit tight..." replies the man...

The clerk bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man?s feet...

?Try pulling the tongue out...? offers the clerk...

?Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth...?
 
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather. While eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he notices his plate isn't clean. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that day, they went out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the man's grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

His grandfather shouts, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"
 
I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

That was when the fight started...
 
A farmer hauling fertilizer was pulled over by the police...

The policeman asked the farmer what he was using the fertilizer on...

"I put it on my strawberries!!!"

The policeman replied..."That's strange... I put cream and sugar on mine!!!"...
 
Picture the situation of what you would do in either my position or the one I put her dad through as I was kissing his "precious little girl" good night... It wasn't funny at the time...but years later we both laughed ourselves silly...

During the final kiss of the night I noticed that one of Heather's high heels snapped off...

Thinking fast...I dragged her on top of me to lessen the fall... On the way down...my ring got stuck in the back of her bra... When I landed in the ground...the finger and ring were free...but with one addition...her bra was still stuck to the ring...

It was then her dad walked in on us...

How do you explain a broken shoe lying on the ground in three pieces...lipstick smeared all over your face and shirt (from the fall itself) AND a 46DD bra hanging off your ring to an irate father???

Three weeks later I got hired at his mortuary just to stay away from Heather...not knowing that I set her up with my best friend...after bribing him $50 to go out with her... He became my best friend only after he married her and moved to Florida...
 
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