The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

Sometimes, Even After All These Years, I
Wake Up And Look Over At My Wife
Sleeping Peacefully Beside Me And Think,

"MAN IS SHE LUCKY".
 
If you were a used car dealer and saw Columbo pull up with his POS car...how much would you bribe him to park it on a competitor's lot???
 
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
 
This was among my operatic short courses that I've done over the years...

I Pagliacci

The prologue basically states that "all the events in this opera are real... The names have been changed to protect the innocent.."

A clown troupe comes into town...and immediately the head clown gives everyone a headache beating a damn drum... He gives them information on the play for tonight and later states that he'll kill anyone messing around with his wife...

Another clown from the troupe tries to mess with his wife...and she slaps him sillier than he already is... Later when he catches her with one of the townspeople...he tells the head clown who is not only putting on makeup...but obviously cutting onions for the meal because he's crying like mad...

The play comes in and they're almost on track until the head clown hears a line that sets him off BIG TIME... It ends up with him killing his wife and her lover...

The suspect (I. Pagliacci) has been found guilty of two counts of first degree murder and is now serving his sentence in a padded clown car...
 
When going to my Salvation Army kettle...I have to face a few detours due to a Santa Run... I usually heckle the first Santa I see...

All I do is mention my top item from my list over the last 25 years...

The phone numbers of all the female redheads on his naughty list between the ages of 18 and 25... I've been REAL good and STILL never saw that list...
 
A man got in an argument with his wife and walked out on her... He went to the bar...got in a fight with a bunch of bikers...stabbing two of them...got thrown out and arrested...

The jury gave him 30 years on all charges...

15 years later...he gets a note saying his wife died...

He yelled "HOORAY!!! I'M FREE!!!"...
 
A man was on vacation at a swank Mexican resort... In the bar...he talked to one of the locals about politics...

"I wish you could talk to my cousin Juan if you like politics... He made a campaign for city council... He make it... He made a campaign for President... he made it... He ran for the border...and he no make it..."

"What happened to Juan???" asked the man.

"Senor...it's a sad happening...the opposition...they shoot Juan with a golf gun," the local replied.

"A golf gun???!!!! What is a golf gun????"

"I don?t know... But they made a hole in Juan..."
 
An angry Scotsman sent a letter to the editor of a newspaper...

"If you don't stop writing about Scotsman being so stingy...I'll stop stealing your paper!!!"
 
Dinner-Prayer.jpg
 
A woman went shopping in a crowded department store with her four year old son...Johnny... They pushed into a packed elevator...and suddenly a big blonde standing in front of Johnny turned around and slapped a much surprised man next to her...right across the mouth... She got off at the next floor in a huff...

“I wonder why she slapped that man???” said the mother to the little Johnny...

“I dunno...” said little Johnny... “but she stepped on my little foot...and I pinched ‘er....”
 
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I had to get even with a guy who wouldn't pick up after his dog... The worst part of this was that he was our regular mailman...

After a week of this...I put some fresh dog Eklund in a paper bag and acted like I threw it in the trash... I waited till a few minutes after he left for the post office to unload that same bag inside his mailbox and put the flag up... The look on his face was priceless when he stuck that hand in his own mailbox and that "unexpected package" was all over his hand...

Even funnier was that the guy on the other side of him threatened to do the same thing to him just a few days prior to this...and that poor guy got all the blame... All the while I was trying not to break a rib from laughing so hard at the victim...behind a closed door...

From the next day until the day I moved...he picked that dog excrement up like they were holy relics...
 
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, 'I will give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, ' What is it? '

The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'
 
It's been a while since a Metro officer last locked himself out of his cruiser while I was the bell ringer...

I remember half of the jokes I made towards that officer...but I'll just list the best one I made and the one the fire department used...

One of my regulars came by and I let this singer fly...while pointing at the scene... "I'm collecting money for slim jims so Metro can get back inside their patrol cars..."

The regular asked how long he's been there... after he regained his composure...

"Four hours!!!"

The poor cop even asked the fire department to help him... One of them said "USE YOUR GUN!!!"... I just lost it for an hour... I couldn't let that poor cop see me laughing myself sillier than I already was...

45 minutes later the mechanic showed up... The first words out of his mouth were "You're not going to be able to live this one down..."
 
During World War II, a grande dame calls the company commander at a local Army base. "This is Mrs. George Harrison Wattersill. I would like to invite 10 of your men to Christmas dinner here at Long Acres."

"That would be very nice," the commander replies.

"But," Mrs. George Harrison Wattersill continues, "no Jews, please. I hope you understand."

"Perfectly. Leave it to me."

Christmas comes and the guests are announced at Long Acres. Descending the staircase, Mrs. George Harrison Wattersill is horrified to see 10 black enlisted men standing at attention.

"My God!" she gasps. "There must be some horrible mistake!"

"No, Ma'am!" the first sergeant booms. "Cap'n Goldberg, he nevuh make a mistake!"
 
Santa Claus got arrested on the Las Vegas Strip for pimping...

He was pointing at the girls yelling "HO!!! HO!!! HO!!!"
 
Someone asked me yesterday why my picture wasn't on my Salvation Army ID...

I told him "I was last in line for photos and there were just too many ugly bell ringers in front of me..."
 
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