The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

Two blonde young women go into the beauty parlor and the stylist says, "are you two sisters?"

The one blonde says, "sisters? we're not even catholic"
 
I never can get my car into first gear!

That's because the car is Swiss and always stuck in neutral!
 
California has gotten so bad that even the earth quakes are moving to Idaho.
 
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb???

None... They're too busy arguing over who is going to pay for the light bulb...
 
Last night I played...

Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
Followed by
The Doors - The End
Followed by
The best of Radiohead
Followed by my termination at the suicide hotline...
 
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace. In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So, the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time, torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So, the king hired the donkey.

And so, began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
 
Hey Algebra, quit asking us to find your X. She not coming back, don't ask Y
 
A wife screams at her husband “I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex! I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” He answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
 
I once did CD reviews for a magazine and had this to say about a particular recording of Bizet's Carmen... Also note that this was the nicest thing I said about this performance...

Casting Jessye Norman as Carmen is like casting Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Sugar Plum Fairy...
 
Look-at-that-drunk-guy.png
 
It's time to recycle those leftover holiday fruitcakes. That's right, you can have your cake and use it too*. Just consider the possibilities:

Pothole filler.
Book case.
Shot put.
Hitching tow.
Skeet.
Speed bump.
Barbecue (cheaper than the ones made with inferior brick).
Boat anchor.
Saw in half and use as bookends.
Flower press.
Decorative driveway/sidewalk.
Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them on enemy.
Chopping block.
Teach your dog to play dead FOR YEARS.
Sledge hammer.
Paper weight.
Bed warmer (heat to 350?F).
Ice pack (chilled for 12 hours).
Wrecking ball.
Dent-proof bumpers.
Tombstone.
Christmas tree stand.
Scratching post for your cat.
Salvation Army kettle stand weight.
Slice to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
Use as sand bags during flood season.
Railroad ties.
Bowling pins.
Save for next summer's garage sale (slice thin enough so they can pass as kitchen tiles).
Pin cushion.

*User assumes all liability for busted toes, hernias, and other medical ailments resulting therefrom.

- adapted from an article written by Suzanne James for America West Airlines Magazine.

(I felt she left some things out and decided to update it... LVC)

I missed one for the tech guys out there...

Give it a second coat of lacquer and use it as a Raspberry Pi case...
 
My girlfriend asked for a little peace & quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.
 
My girlfriend asked for a little peace & quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

When my wife was alive...she had to be the worst cook in creation... She once burnt a 6 inch hole in the bottom of a Teflon pan making Jell-O... When it came to simple no bake no cook desserts...she pretty much thrived in them... Just when she went near a stove was when we had to notify the fire department the second she started cooking...

Basically I had to do all the cooking or suffer the consequences...

Her mother was a great cook...two of her sisters were also great cooks...the third one was pretty bad on the stove (everything was so bland it could rival Alex Faust in the broadcast booth)...but could have given a few bakers a run for their money... I know I get on how horrible her (now) oldest sister was...but if someone could rival my skills in the kitchen...it would have been her...and I was the one who taught her how to cook... Too bad that didn't sweeten her personality...
 
A distressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?" The woman replies, "get away from me you sicko!" The hobo turns to leave and mutters, "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
 
A man and his wife were sleeping in bed one night. Suddenly, she woke up from a dream and shouted: " OH MY GOD! My husband is home! Jump out the window!" Her husband woke up startled and groggily jumped out the window.
 
You might be a redneck if the manager at a storage auction offers people money to haul the contents of your locker away...
 
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