The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, so early in the morning he drove over to Kenny's.

Farmer: "Sorry son, I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny: "Well then, just give me my money back."

Farmer: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

Farmer: "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny.

Farmer: "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
 
My girlfriend and I were scolded by this Karen about us holding hands as we were getting some whipped cream...

"Hey you idiots... You're not safe distancing!!!"

I retorted "We sleep together in the same bed... Why shouldn't we hold hands???"
 
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
 
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He was a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. And, he never, ever forgot to put the seat down. He wasn't like me,” he continued. “I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy, then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I made the mistake of marrying his widow.”
 
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed, "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people. We hate that.
 
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The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800s. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Billings, Montana."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Billings."

"I know," the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:

"Grandma
, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. "The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.

" Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
 
A distracted fellow dashed into the police station at three o?clock in the morning.

?Captain, you?ve got to help me!? he pleaded. ?My wife?s out every night gambling! She?s a fiend for it?neglects the children and her home and I have to get my own supper. It?s terrible! Now, at three o?clock in the morning she?s still away from home?gambling!?

?Do you know where?? asked the Police Captain.

?Yes. She?s playing Gin Rummy in a clubroom on the corner of Grand Boulevard!?

?Tell you what I?ll do,? suggested the obliging Captain. ?I?ll throw the fear of God into her. I?ll send a police car and raid the place!?

?That?s fine,? enthused the man; then after a brief moment added, ?but Captain, do you think you can arrange it without arresting my mother??
 
One night Mr. and Mrs. Bloomberg were walking home from a party. No word had been spoken since they left.

“What are you mad at me about?” inquired Bloomberg. “You disgraced me tonight!” she replied.

“What? How? When?” asked her surprised husband.

“When Mrs. Epstein was at the table, she said, 'Mr. Bloomberg, please pass your plate,’ and you took out your teeth and said—‘upper or lower?’”
 
A schoolteacher was pointing out the difference between right and wrong to her little pupils, stressing the wickedness of stealing. She tried to illustrate her point.
?Now, children,? she said, ?if I put my hand in a man?s coat pocket and took all of his money?what would I be??

?You?d be his wife!? shouted Little Johnny.
 
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


And...


6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF

THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
 
The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very. very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper.

"Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief.

"No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!"
 
Sam and Max were in their office.

Suddenly Max called, ?Sam, catch me! I?m dizzy!?

?What made you dizzy?? asked Sam.

?I was reading a circular letter!? gasped Max.
 
A country visitor questioned a farmer...?How does the land lie around here???"

?It ain?t the land that lies...? informed the farmer...?it?s the real-estate agents!!!?
 
Did you hear about the two Ducks fans who went hunting in the woods in Arkansas???

They spotted some strange tracks in the woods and decided to follow them... They got hit by a train...
 
An Arab Sheik says to an American tourist. “Mr. Smith, your wife, she is beautiful. I must have her. I will trade you for her weight in gold.”
Mr. Smith says, “Can you give me a few days.”
The Sheik asks, “To think it over?”
Mr. Smith says, “No. To fatten her up.”
 
Two scientists at a conference enter a bar...

The first scienist says to the barman..."I will have a glass of H20 please..."'

The second scientist says..."I will have a glass of H20...too..."

The first scientist was fine...but the second one was seriously ill for days.....
 
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