The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

Sales: “You want answers?”
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Finance: “I think we are entitled to them!”
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Sales: “You want answers?!”
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Finance: “I want the truth!”
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Sales: “You can’t handle the truth!!!”
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Sales (continuing): “Son, we live in a world that requires revenue. And that revenue must be brought in by people with elite skills. Who’s going to find it? You Mr. Finance? You, Mr. Operations? We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.
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You scoff at sales division and you curse our lucrative incentives. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know: that while the cost of business results may seem excessive, it drives in revenue.
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And my very existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, drives REVENUE! You don’t want to know the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at management meetings … you want me on that call. You NEED me on that call!
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We use words like fleetview, volume control, discounts, flex licensing, total cost of ownership. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent negotiating something. You use them as a punch line!
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I have neither the time nor inclination to explain myself to people who rise and sleep under the very blanket of revenue I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a phone and make some sales calls. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!”
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Finance: “Did you expense the lap dances?”
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Sales: “I did the job I was hired to do.”
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Finance: “Did you expense the lap dances?”
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Sales: “You’re goddamn right I did!”
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This man took his car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise...

The mechanic removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine...
 
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A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. The mechanic looks up and says “Looks like you blew a seal.”

“No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”
 
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